I wished that I found this website before I confronted my marriage crisis. This is my story and I really appreciate any comment or advices in advance.
My story: Me 38 W 32 step D(12)/step S(10) from her previous marriage S(5) M 6, T7 Bomb 5/2008(NILWY) EA 5/2008 ended EA 6/15/2008 Will get separted 7/5/2008
I thought that our marriage was great and I didn't realize how much my wife had been hurting by my not showing affection enough. I thought I was showing enough but it was not enough for her.
She started traveling nurse in 5/2008 and at that point I realized how much I was missing my wife. When she came back after 3-4 days, I tried to hug and kiss but she was very cold not like before. Since we aruged about her showing no affection to me and found out that she's no longer in love with me. She had been such a loving my wife for whole our marriage and it hit me so hard. I was totally lost.
She kept telling me that she was leaving for another state, staying while working. Basically she wants to live separately. I begged and begged not to leave, I'll change, make you happy all crap I shouldn't do for a month. I really wish that I had found this website at that time. I asked what she wanted with our relationship and she said that she didn't want to get divorce but wanted to live on her own with kids. She said she didn't want to get hurt by not loved by me. Sad thing Is that I LOVE HER TO THE DEATH!!!. However, she believed that I didn't love her. sigh
She had 9 days vacation with her sister and when she came back, she wanted to get divorce and I was totally in despair. I begged and begged and we settled to try to give 6 months trial. That night she said she had been having EA for a month. She said that his compliments made her feel good but their realationship is not more that that yet. I asked her to stop EA right away but she refused at that night.
Next day, of course barely any sleep and all thoughts, I felt that if she wasn't willing to put her whole to fix our marriage then it wouldn't work so I told her that I let her go and let her do whatever she wanted. even divorce! Funny thing is that point she wanted me to sit beside her and talk more about our future in posivite way. At the end, we decided that she'll stay in other state and work with kids and I'll finish my Master degree in here, which will take around 1 and half year. And she said she'll end EA right away. The place she wanted to go is b/c they pay much better and nice place to live. She wanted to live that place for a few years.
I found this webiste in 6/19/2008 and read and read and read. Sometimes they gave hope and other times despair by realing case by case. I haven't bought books but I'll in one week.
My wife and kids are leaving in 7/5/2008. We barely have physical contect b/c she's so reluctant and cold. We still sleep on same bed and no hug or anything. We chit chat all the time. After I read this forum, I'm trying to avoid R talk and ILY. She doesn't feel that I love her no matter what I do. Reality is that I DO love her! damnit! She think I'm just scared being alone. I admit that I'm sared to the death losing her, yes. BUT I love her!
Anyway, I'm lost with what I need to do and how to keep improve our R while separated for this long. I can visit them Christmas break but that's it.
Please give me some guide and enlightment and hope please!!!!
Mostly likely I won't see her and my kids for 4-5 months. All I can do is calling or webcam everyday. In my situation, is it possible that I can improve our R? I Do believe that once we go through this tough time, we can make great marriage but for now, I don't know how to go through.
It's so hard to focus Detach and GAL. I'll feel much relieved if I know that I still have hope and way to improve our R while separated like us. Are there anybody who had similar situation as me and went through?
your post sounds JUST like a friend of mine who used to post in "piecing your M", it is possible. She's leaving soon, can you ask her if she could go to M counceling at least before she leaves? to at least set the grounds of the separation a bit better and to help you and the kids cope? Does she have to leave so soon? anyways, there is always hope, and do get the book, it will help you tons.
Take all you read here with a grain of salt, there are horror stories but also stories of triumph, retain the good, dont' dwell on the sad stories.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
Can you link that thread from your friend? I tried to find but I coudn't.
She refused to go MC first b/c she's very stubborn and thinks that none can tell how she act and feels. Secondly, she thinks MC is the waste of money. I even made MC apppointment and had to cancel.
We(esp. I) did great job with kids dealing with our separation. We explained to them that dad have to say to finish his school and at the end we can have better life. We added that the place they are going is much better and there are lots of exiting stuff for them. Actually they are very exited to go right now. It's incrediblly hard for me to see all family except me seem very happy and I'm trying to LOOK happy. From time to time, our kids are saying that they'll miss me a lot and asking why I can't go with them even though we did explain.
I just wish that the crap ends right away but I know it won't. sigh..
Sharing this unbearable pain with you all gives me some kinda energy or enthusiasm to help other people in pain. I didn't realize that I could be in such a pain and there are so many people in same agony as me. I was living under the rock and had not seen the world. My marriage brought me back long lost my strong sympathy for trouble people.
I'm pretty down since last night. I thought I was doing good at detaching but still long way to go, sigh.
She seems so excited to leave and live separated. Whenever I remember she were saying she coudn't live even one day w/o me, my heart hurts. She watch youtube and laugh. She playing online game and talks to people and gets all attention from them. Whene I asked how she was so happy and spent her whole time only for fun not thinking about our relationship, then she replied that she was trying to make her mind occupied so doesn't have to be depressed. I barely sleep but she sleeps so sound and well... I don't get it if she really worrys about our R or now.
I had beening trying to detach, GAL, 180 and PMA etc. I hate be deperessed at night before going to bed b/c I barely can sleep. I gotta read forum to find some encouragement and bring myself back.
I wished that I found this website before I confronted my marriage crisis. I really wish that I had found this website at that time.
Hi hsd, Don't beat yourself up about reacting the way that you did before finding this website. I imagine most of the people who are here did the same, and some of them have been successful piecing their marriages back together despite their early responses to the Bomb.
I had been reading a few other websites before my H moved out the second time and acknowledged that there was another woman. I didn't cry, plead, try to bargain and he left anyway.
I've recently said this somewhere else, but, sometimes it is a lot easier when they have gone. It was in my case. My husband has said it is a "difficult transition" for him now that he is in his apartment. I really think it is more painful when they are living under the same roof and make it obvious that they can't wait to leave to be with the other person.
Hang in there, we've all had some of the same experiences that you are having now.
Me: 59 H: 59 Together: 28 years Married: 25 years in August "There may be someone else" 12/26/07 H signed a one year lease 4/1/08 H moved out 5/11/08 H beginning to show a tiny amount of interest 7/5/08 Is it possible that he is courting me? 9/30/08
