Sorry you felt shot down. I wasn't trying to see how cruel I could be....I think you have had enough of that from your wife, already. I understand a little more now than when I sent the post, but I don't back down from what I've said. I do think you are getting crossed messages or advice by going to this counselor. I know I saw another poster that uses that style of program and it seems to work okay for her, but her stitch is different than yours.
Anyway, I am sure you are at the point of not knowing what in the world to do now b/c of all the different things you are hearing. But, I don't think what is going on now is working at all. Surely you can see that the more you pursue her and catter to her, the more she is backing away and walking all over you.
There is a time to be nice and polite as the DR books explains, but you are kissing a$$ big time. You two don't even act like a couple that is separated. That is not going to get the job done. The only advice I can give you is what I told you in the first post and stop seeing the C yourself and begin strickly following the DR way. I think you need to serious detach, which I have not seen where you have done that since she (so called) left you and then start working on that list I gave you. Seriously detaching is not the same as going dark....and I really don't think you understand how it works, but anyway.....
Have you ever read Dr. James Dobson's book Tough Love? That is along the same lines that Michelle goes. We want what we think we can't have...and your W knows she can have you any time she crooks her little finger. Yes, it is hard....it's not called tough love for nothing, but it works.
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This is where I get confused. Going to the C, she suggests some things I try and sometimes they go against DB. A couple of months ago, C said start going to this support group and leave that book laying around and maybe W will look at it.
The 13 week program may be okay, but I don't know so much about the counselor. That was not good advice at all....it was showing your "game plan" and that is not something you do. Now, everytime you try to implement on of the DB principles, she may throw it up in your face....but hopefully, she will forget what saw.
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This is where I get confused. Going to the C, she suggests some things I try and sometimes they go against DB.
That is why I feel that this C is not doing you any good. It is only causing confusion.
I'm sorry you were disappointed in my advice to you. I often shoot from the hip! But, it only means tht I care, and it upsets me seeing a H/W doing all the wrong things that need to be applied in DB. Too much soft peddled stuff is handed out and it doesn't do squat for the person that is needing some hard fact information. I thought that was what you needed. You need to be a strong man, especially with the wife you have. Let me tell you something about women, sweety, we will walk all over any man that we don't respect or that will show any weakness. But there is a way to show strength. Also, there is a time to be like steel and a time to be like velvet. You just need to know when to be like steel and when to be like velvet for the woman you love. That's the tricky part, and when you find that out, you will know how to make that wife of yours fall in love with you all over again.
All I know for you to do, is to decide which way you want to travel. If you decide that these people on this board knows what they are talking about and that Michelle's experience & knowledge outweighs the C, then I would do some big time detaching and start over. I have personally had a few dealings with so-called counsleors and they all were very incompetent. It doesn't take much schooling to become a counselor, I discovered, and schooling doesn't always give a person "wisdom".
So, God bless you on what ever discision you make. If you decide to stick with DB and you want to post back to me.....I will do what ever I can to help you step by step, but if not, that is fine too. In the end, it is your life and you have to be the one to make those decisions. Like you said about texting, it is hard to know what tone of voice I am using here, but believe me, it is one of compassion.....not condesending. I pray for the best for you and your family.
Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
