Julia Hi!!, thanks for being a friend to me. I have to agree that a simple thanks should be enough. I liked "the smiley" idea a lot. Makes it "light" and may bring a smile of his face as well... K
I know this is really stupid but I must have been holding out for my h's family to acknowledge my birthday. I didn't get a card in the post this morning. I know that they won't have forgotten. Also no card from h more importantly. This means I'll either get a text message or nothing at all. I hate text messages, they take no effort.
I haven't enjoyed birthdays the past few years. The one after I got married I was really excited about but my h was too ill to come out. We didn't know what it was so I thought he was just being a hypochondriac and spent the whole evening cross with him
Last summer I am so ashamed. It seems, and I didn't realise this about myself, that birthdays are important to me and I like to be made to feel special, it meant a lot to me that my h would make me feel special. Instead he woke me up at 5am because he needed to get to work early with a breakfast and some little cupcakes which he expected me to eat then. All he could see was the effort he'd gone to and all I could see was that I was bleary eyed as I'd just woken up and the thought of eating sugar made me feel sick and I resented that he didn't spend more of the early morning with me.
He didn't have a present for me as he said it hadn't come yet and I got inwardly really upset with him as it seemed he had made not effort in my eyes. I had berated him that morning for not planning anything for me for my birthday and he said it was because he was too busy at work. I went off to work and started resenting him more and more 'for not making an effort' and decided by that lunchtime that I was going to my parents for a few days.
After work he asked me to meet him in London so I met him in London with a bag packed and he asked me what it was for and I said I'd tell him later. He took me up to his office where he'd bought a little picnic and produced two tickets for Wicked because he said he'd felt guilty. I’m not sure whether he'd been planning it all along or he'd just felt guilty but the damage had been done in my eyes. I told him I was going to Mum and Dad's for some space. WE sat through the first half of Wicked and then left and I went back to my parents.
I also banned him from coming to my birthday outing as I needed space and was convinced that was it for the relationship. I'm so ashamed of myself. That must have made him feel awful. I think he went to work instead.
I spent about 5 days there realised how awful it was and how much I missed my h and went home. He never really mentioned it, just glossed over it and I felt that he didn't care whether I was there or not. That was what led up to the conversation in August the led him to leave. He had bought me the gorgeous bike for my birthday but it was the lack of time allocated to me that I couldn't get over. The bike made me feel guilty for my behaviour and made me defensive and even more convinced I was right.
Why couldn't we just be honest with each other? All those stupid games of us interpreting each others behaviour wrongly and blaming. It was so pointless and now look where we are.
I know that I shouldn't really look back but I woke up with that all in my head as I am carrying around huge guilt from that. I thought I would get it all out here and then start my birthday weekend. I am debating keeping my phone off tomorrow so I am not waiting on a text from h.
Right so, new positive attitude. The likelihood is that I won’t hear from him or his stupid family so get over it, get on with it and enjoy my time with the people that do want to celebrate with me! I do realise though I have grown so much in that time from that stupid, spoilt brat who took her marriage for granted to hopefully someone who would value things even if they didn't work to her timetable or expectation. I just hope it isn't too late for me and h, I do still love him and miss him terribly.
happy bithday again... Don't do that to yourself. Don' t go back. No use unless you are trying to learn from it.
H's family are all feeling awkward I am sure. Unfortunately relationships that fall appat have this effect to the broader circle of friends and family. Don't take it personally.
Thanks Kalni, I know I am getting that blame stick out again to hit myself with! Going off to my parents now as my mum has cooked me my favourite roast dinner and then off to stay at a friends house in preparation for my pottery painting tomorrow. I figured it was better I didn't wake up alone and maybe this has just proved it! :-)
