Dancing With Myself

[redhottie]

I have moved from Newcomers after being there since Oct. I will give the cliff notes for those who don't know me from there.

Met H in Dec. '85 and we immediately fell in love and became college sweethearts. That summer H starts talking about M while we are apart. Return to school in the summer and H wants space and has an EA. We continue to date the whole time and H recommits in Spring but says we can still date others. I date one guy and H wants to dump me...I begged him not to...he has another EA. That summer we recommit and start looking for rings. Fall of 87 we get engaged and marry the following summer.

The day of our wedding we leave for another state almost 1000miles from all my family and friends. We live there for six years while H is in grad school. Our first D was born there. We move back home (based on his career) in 94. Three years later we have our second D and H has his first EA of our marriage. I suffered ppd without any help from H.

A year an a half later the EA just ends. H never acknowledges it or apologizes, we get no help for our M and just move on. Now it is '99 and things are what I thought were pretty good for a several years.

Spring of '05 H starts having unexplained medical problems. I fear he is dying and begin to push him away for whatever reason. (H did and said many things that made me feel responsible for what it turns out to be.) I believe I then went through an MLC. Things continue to go down hill.

Jan. '07, H begins sleeping on the couch...lies and tells me it is because he can't sleep because of his medical issues. As that year progresses H avoids me, home and our Ds more and more. I confront H in June of '07 and he drops the bomb. H began seeing an IC then for depression, but he hasn't made much progress. H finally started meds in Feb., but he thinks getting rid of me is going to solve his problems. I began DBing after the bomb and spent the last year trying.

H refuses to try for the whole year. H moves out the end of Oct. '07 but still hasn't found a place of his own. The whole time he sends mixed messages to the Ds and myself. Through out the last year H has told me several times that he is down and doesn't want to try. He refuses MC and finally verbalized a month ago that he wants a D. We have an appt. in 1 1/2 weeks with the Ds' T to discuss how to tell them.

So here I sit rehashing our whole history. I have been wondering more and more the last few days if the past 20+ years have been a mistake. I should have realized after what he did when we were dating that it would happen again. Oh, I forgot, H is currently having two EAs. Of course they are "just friends."

For those who are new to my sitch...thanks for reading. For my old friends, now you know the rest of the story. No wonder I'm in T.