FIB, I am sorry that I caused your thread to get locked. As I explained in my post, I was NOT encouraging you to walk away from your marriage...I was only trying to encourage you to be sure of what YOU want. You know that I have been following your thread and supporting you for a long time. I have seen the way your w has treated you. I don't want to see you get hurt anymore than you have been already. I was trying to encourage you to set goals for yourself and work to achieve those goals. I believe that even Jack-Three-Beans once stated that he set "expectations" for his wife and then waited to see if she could meet them. (JTB, if I misinterpreted that, I am sorry.)
SG, I am sorry that you read what I wrote the way you did. Trust me, after 20 years of marriage....after being married to an alcoholic and an adulterer, I think I understand that marriage is about giving, not receiving and not just fulfilling our needs. Because trust me, I gave and gave lots in my m, not receiving in return...and my needs were definitely not always met. But, seeing how I am getting ready to walk down the aisle again tomorrow, I am glad that you pointed that out to me!
I have to tell you, I hate being in a position where I have to explain a comment that I made! And, it would have been nice if I could have explained myself on your thread.
FIB, I wish nothing but the BEST for you. As I have told you before, I admire the way you have dealt w/ all that you have. And, I pray that you find happiness and peace.
I posted to you before, but I must not have 'submitted' it.
YOU didn't lock the thread, I lock them wherever I 'am' on the board. So I will apologize for locking it when you would have liked to respond there.
And I will give you the chance to dialogue with me here if you'd like.
Originally Posted By: deb13
FIB, just wanted to throw in my two cents here....when my xH told me that he wanted us to try to reconcile our marriage, Bill "let me go". But, he gave me one important word of advice...he told me not to settle. Bill knew what I was wanting/needing in a marriage and from a husband. He told me not to settle for anything less than what I wanted/needed. The whole time Bill & I were apart, I was seeing things in my xH that indicated he wasn't completely into the reconciliation. The words were there; but, not the actions. I kept thinking about what Bill told me and asking myself if I was settling. I knew at that point that I no longer wanted my xH the way he had been or the way he was at that time. He was saying all the right things, just not always doing them. Goes back to "actions speak louder than words" and "believe what they do, not what they say".
FIB, I probably would have settled...not because I loved my xH or because I wanted my marriage back; but, because I thought I had to honor my vows and my commitment to my family. Thank God that I found out he was living w/ another woman because that reconciliation was doomed for hell from the start and our marriage would never have survived.
FIB, you are so much stronger now than you were months ago! I am so proud of you and the way you have carried yourself through all of this. Please be sure of what YOU want and do NOT settle...you deserve true love and happiness. Now, I am treading on thin ice by saying that; but, please know that I am NOT trying to encourage you to walk away...I am just saying know what YOU want/need. Set your goals and work to achieve them. And, above anything else, love your little ones, as well as yourself.
deb
Deb, that IS treading more than on thin ice.
Love/Marriage is about giving, not about receiving, and filling our needs.
Our purpose here is SINGULAR. To save marriages. Please remember that.
sg
You gave the advice in the context of YOUR own relationship, where you stopped working on your own marriage for someone else here:
[But, he gave me one important word of advice...he told me not to settle. Bill knew what I was wanting/needing in a marriage and from a husband. He told me not to settle for anything less than what I wanted/needed.
and
FIB, I probably would have settled...not because I loved my xH or because I wanted my marriage back; but, because I thought I had to honor my vows and my commitment to my family.
honoring vows and commitment to a family is a GOOD thing....and ok if it doesn't feel good for awhile.
Deb,
I'm not challenging your decision to divorce. I'm challenging the way you presented your advice. It sounds as if you are saying, make sure you really want this person back, it might not be a good idea.
If someone comes to that decision fine. It is not our job to encourage them to get there.
Deb ... I hope this next marriage lasts forever.
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
sg, I clearly stated in my post to FIB that I was NOT trying to encourage him to walk away. I shared w/ him MY experience and was trying to tell him to be sure of what HE wanted. I did NOT stop working on my marriage for someone here. While Bill and I did "meet" here on the board, we did not have any contact during the time my XH and I were attempting to reconcile. When my XH asked me out and approached me w/ the possibility of a reconciliation, Bill stepped back and gave me that opportunity. He just stated to me that I knew what I wanted/needed and to be sure of that and not to settle for less, rather it was w/ my XH or someone else. My marriage failed because the whole time my XH was attempting a reconciliation, he was shacking up w/ another woman and was lying about it. After ONE night at home and lots of empty promises, he went back to the other woman and I chose not to play his games. I decided that I deserved better than that...my children deserved better than that. It was MY personal choice to not fight for him or the marriage anymore.
Yes, you are right...honoring your vows and your commitment to family are GOOD things. I fully believe that our marriage vows are meant to last until death do us part. Unfortunately, sometimes that is not possible, whether it is by our doing or our spouse's.
My concern for FIB is that his wife has a history of pushing him away, pulling him back in, and pushing him away, again. That is why I told him to be sure of what he wants. If he decides that HE wants his marriage to work, then he needs to be firm in that decision and do whatever it takes within his power to make it happen. If he decides he can no longer take the roller coaster ride that his wife is on, then that is HIS decision, too. And, no matter which he decides, I will still be his friend and support him.
FIB, again, I apologize. I should have just not posted at all.
Thanks, Frank! I had planned to post after the wedding and honeymoon; but, I am thinking my time here on the board is over. I seldom post, and when I do, it's to someone I care about. However, it seems that no matter how careful I am w/ my wording, it always gets misinterpreted and I end up having to defend myself. I have done enough of that...therefore, I think it is time for me to put this place behind me.
I truly do appreciate the support that I received when I first came here. And, I thank those of you who have given Bill and myself your blessings. Words cannot express how much it all means to me.
Frank, thanks for "standing up" for me! I wish for you lots of love and happiness...as I do all my "friends" here. You know who you are and you know how to reach me, if you so choose.
Deb, when you DO post you always say something valuable.
I don't typically interact with you but I read your posts sometimes and I've crossed paths with Bworl on many occasions.
Both of you contribute immensely to this board.
I read your post to FIB last night and I had a completely different interpretation of it than SG did. In fact, I was quite shocked when I woke up this morning to find it locked (by the way mods, the "all threads lock at 100 posts" is a crock and all of us know it).
Deb I didn't - and still don't - feel that you in any way were encouraging FIB to stand down, give up, roll over or anything else contrary to what this site is about. In fact, I believe you stated to him "Please be sure of what YOU want" at the front of the particular sentence that got SG's panties in a knot. You did what should be done more often all across this site and that is support the PERSON - not just that STANDER.
Now I'd better zip it before I get too redneck up in here.
I wish you and Bworl a beautiful and blessed life together.
Everything I have told Bill in private holds true. You guys are amazing, and deserve each other, and everything happens for a reason. You guys are both amazingly compassionate and caring people. Now go enjoy your honeymoon and when you come post when you want to until you get banned. Not that I see it happening that way. I have never known either one of you to quit so stop talking like the anti-matter versions of yourself. geez.
FIB, no one should tell you what do to. Except support you. You are so war-torn from this you are mostly holes. F ANYONE who says you haven't done enough, or you could do more.
SG, I have come to know you and respect you. I do not envy the position you are in, company policy vs personal belief, and criticism for choices you make when not popular. I respect your dilligence and loyalty, and caring.
Amy, :p
Look, just take another look, all involved. Walk a mile in other's shoes. SG doesn't really have that option guys. No offense SG, but the Mods are now here. A good worker isn't going to ignore their duty, or what is seen as their duty.
Posts weren't deleted, can you imagine the outcry if they were, how pi55ed off people would have been then? They were locked, for all to see, even if possibly they were seen as contradictory to DBing. Notice 'seen as'.
Guys, we are few, and far between.
We stupid fools.
We all.
Us.
Peace.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
My concern for FIB is that his wife has a history of pushing him away, pulling him back in, and pushing him away, again. That is why I told him to be sure of what he wants. If he decides that HE wants his marriage to work, then he needs to be firm in that decision and do whatever it takes within his power to make it happen.
DB offers lots of ways to help change the dance and the drama. And our perspective always needs to be to help brainstorm ways to help change our part of the patterns of interaction. So, the better path for advice is to offer ways to help change the dance.
I 'hear' you saying, "Basically, FIB, I'm not telling you to leave, but what you're doing isn't working and it's all her fault, are you sure you want to stay in this?"
Last edited by sgctxok; 06/28/0801:07 AM.
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
The fact that Michele acknowledges that "not all marriages will be saved", implies that not all marriages can be saved (or are even meant to be saved). However, you seem to advocate that regardless of reality, or regardless of any earnest, wholehearted effort to save a M - which may not even be worth saving - one should simply continue to endure and just try harder? Or that any DB forum-developed support should only offer encouragement if they're Pro-Marriage, regardless of the circumstance. Otherwise they should simply butt out? Where's the logic in that? I don't get it? Am I missing or misinterpreting something?
I appreciate that response. That may seem to be what I'm implying and it isn't.
Our purpose is to help folks use the solution oriented tools in Divorce Remedy/Divorce Busting, etc, to save, improve marriages/relationships. People come here for hope and encouragement and solutions. Most everyone gets the opposite outside of this board. Your friends in real life are going to support you and tell you your H/ex etc is a jerk, just move on.
This is a DIVORCE BUSTING forum. And there is a place for support of those whose marriages aren't working out no matter what they try and for those who just can't work on it anymore. Our hope is that is a very small amount of folks living with that situation.
The client here is the MARRIAGE/RELATIONSHIP, not the individual.
Again, I appreciate your post.
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
