You are in a tight place for sure. You will feel that you are damned if you do and damned if you don't for a while about most everything. First, do you have more than one bathroom? Would it help if she were to bathe the D in one bathroom while you bathed the S on the other? If that does't work, I would just very calmly and politely tell her that you were only trying to help her and that you certainly were not trying to take over. Tell her that nobody could take her place with the kids and then simply ask her what she wants you to do. Now to me, this is not acting like a doormat, but it is saving yourself a lot of frustration if you don't know which way to go. If she says anything about how you just started this last week or whatever, then tell her that you are trying to be more helpful b/c you realize that you weren't in doing enough before, but you are trying to "take over". Just ask her what she prefers about the kid's baths. If she wants to do it by herself, then so be it. If you want to be there when the kids go to bed (which I think a dad should be) then stick around until they the good-nights are said. Afterwards, you are free to do whatever you want to do.
You see, this won't work if she gets the wrong idea about why you are suddenly bathing the kids.
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I am wondering now, is it not really the act of helping or doing it all but rather one of making her feel valued for what she does with the kids? She did all of this through the past two years with little recognition on my part, of which I am sad.
I think you may be right about this. Also, she may see it as you thinking she was not doing a good job at it (like being a poor mom) and it is hurting her instead of the reason you had intended.
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I have thanked her over the past week when she does help with the kids.
Okay, my suggestion would be that you tell her that "I don't know how you do this all the time!", or look at the kids and say something like, "Mom sure has a better touch at this than Daddy does". Just say the words that you never knew how to tell her how much you appreciated her in the past for all she did. It is fine to thank her for helping with the kids, but she sees that as her job anyway and apparently she is not understanding why you have suddenly jumped in to do all this work.....and she thinks she has lost her job. She may, in fact, sort of resent you "thanking her" at this point, since she is misunderstanding your help with the kids, etc. So, if there is some way you can throw in those words that show she is "valued" for who she is and what she does......instead of thanking her, it may go farther with her. Does that make any sense...what I just tried to say?
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One minute, nice and friendly, apologetic for running late, next morning, kaboom!
Yes, you are going to see her ever changing moods, but the point is that you are showing strength and staying on an even keel. The kids need that from you since their mom isn't doing it right now.
Hopefully, she will see what you are doing as a sign of "your awakening", like the DR book says. But, if she brings it up again, just remind her that you are trying to give her more time and space. Don't get into a fight about it and you might try to be prepared to leave the room to go do something else....or better yet, have some place you are going and say, "and now, I am going to give you more space". Then leave and she won't have time to get into a fight about it, but maybe she will think about what you said and remember that is what she wanted.
Good luck.
Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
