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sg
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
My H hasn't been willing to be transparent, both for reasons that have only to do with him and because I have not been a safe place to disclose. He would not have been wrong to expect me to be very angry and vindictive and of course he would have been scared to lose access to the kids.
However, DBing has apparently made me a safe place. I can't even believe I'm going to type this, but it's apparently true:
Wednesday afternoon, driving to pick up my kids from school, I came to the conclusion that I had to ask him to move out, because I simply couldn't take the constant shocks that the last several years of my marriage have been. The cell phone bill (which I opened because I open and pay all the bills, I had no idea it wasn't one of our usual bills) was just the last straw, that despite my efforts he was still lying to me and probably would never stop.
My H came straight from the airport to our D's grad ceremony. He was friendly and so was I - he kissed me in front of my mother, which he hasn't done during this entire thing. I put it down to being horny after almost a week without sex and continued to be friendly, but not really friendly, if you know what I mean. He took our S home and I went with our D to a friend's place, so the girls could spend a bit more time together on their almost-last-day of school (today was their last day).
I got home after my H was asleep, and stayed up a bit longer just to make sure. I didn't want to deal with sex until we had had a chance to talk. He woke up a bit, enough to put his arms around me. After a while, we said good night and he gave me such a wonderful, tender kiss. I'm still thinking 'he wants sex', but he ended up just moving away from me and going to sleep. That kiss was sure melting my resolve to ask him to leave, though.
This morning, he said that HE WAS GOING TO TELL ME EVERYTHING! That it was the only way to go forward. I'm still amazed. Even more amazing was that he also told me that he LOVES ME!! TWICE!! That he couldn't tell me that before because of all the secrets between us, and that he's not sure that I will still love him after he tells me 'his story'.
I told him that I had decided to ask him to leave, since I had given up hope that he would ever stop lying to me and he said he could tell that I'd made a decision when he saw me at grad.
I've had a smile on my face all day. I know that what he's going to tell me will not be easy to hear (or to say), but I think I can handle it. Someone remind me I said that when I'm weeping on the floor, okay?
Anyway, now we have to find some uninterrupted time to talk - more difficult, now that there isn't any school. Perhaps we'll just rent a couple of movies for the kids and lock ourselves in the bedroom, but it really would be better if they weren't here at all. I'm sure we'll think of something, but I want it to be soon, while he's still feeling strong enough to tell it all.
He said that watching what I've done 'for him' in the last 8 months has made him feel that if I can do it (change so much), he can do it.
It is totally weird to be this excited about something that really isn't that good, my H's confessions of ongoing infidelities? Maybe I won't love him anymore afterwards, but at least I'll no longer feel like I'm constantly surrounded by shadowy things I can't see, or that I'm in constant danger of finding something upsetting that I didn't know about or have been lied to about.
Wow Ingrid! It sounds like he is making real progress! I hope the talk goes well. Do you still want him to move out? Have you thought about what it would take for him to convince you that he should stay?
Hey, na - I was just on your thread, small board, hey?
What I have really needed and wanted all along has been the truth. And of course, that the cheating stops - that may go without saying, but I guess I'd better say it to him too, just to be clear.
The last couple of days, I have just felt as light as air, knowing that we are finally going to get everything out in the open, or as he said, that the bulls**t will finally be over. I think scheduling is going to be a problem. As I was writing this, it occured to me that we could just head over to the park by our house and sit there. I have no idea how long the initial conversation will take, but I'm guessing at least a couple of hours.
I'm feeling strong enough to just listen, although I know questions will keep coming up for me and so we will have to decide how to handle that, whether I ask questions as they come up or if we continue to schedule times to talk about it and just let it go otherwise.
H seems very happy too, to have made the decision. Last night we ML, really ML - at one point, he told me he loved me with such an open face and shining eyes. I could cry just thinking about it - I haven't seem that guy for such a long time.
I know that this is not going to be easy and it's going to hurt, probably more than I can imagine at this point, but it must be done in order for us to get that fresh start.
He wants to do things with me - we're going out with friends Saturday night, a date, yeah! The kids are going to stay home alone and I'm even okay with that. They are 14 and 12, for god's sake, they should be fine, but I'm a worrier. They will patiently answer the phone just so I can check in a couple of times will we're out, kindly humouring their crazy old mother.
He said he wanted to play golf with me this summer. The last time we played golf, it was not good, mostly my fault, ranting about chemical use on golf courses. So, when he said he wanted to golf, I said I wouldn't mention the chemicals, and he said, with a big smile, that he was "so past that".
All of this is so good, it's really hard not to get caught up in expectations. Remind me, someone, that he will probably pull away again, perhaps a few times, as he works through this. I have to keep being the person I've been lately - I like her much better than the old version, and she's apparently much easier to live with!
I could not have gotten to this point without the help of the people on this board - thank you all!!!
Nice work, Ingrid. Your H has been watching all along. I'm so glad he's ready to step up and truly begin to bridge that distance between you.
The exchange about golf is telling. We were just discussing the other day that when your hearts are in the right place, things are seen in such a different light. H said that the same "quirks" that irritated him to no end in the past, he now finds endearing.
Just listen, sweetie, and stay that safe place you've worked so hard to be for him. Let him give you the information and know you can take all the time you need to process it.
It takes courage to ask for help. But it's not just men who are prone to shame attacks for voicing vulnerability and asking for assistance. Many women have this problem too, especially eldest daughters who learned growing up that they could not rely on a parent to be competent and nurturing. In this common circumstance, a woman may possess a towering competence but have enormous difficulty in putting forth the more sensitive, vulnerable parts of herself. It can be an enormous achievement for her to say to a partner, friend, or family member, "I'm having a terrible day. May I come over and talk?"
Hi, D! The weekend was nice - Friday evening gathering with friends including kids (my daughter's last year at her lovely little school so we got together with the class) and Saturday an evening out with adults. Not people that I feel particulary drawn to, but it was a date with my H, so that was nice.
However, no information yet. We're both busy and it is hard to schedule uninterrupted time, but I am starting to get a little impatient, mostly because my anxiety around the whole thing is rising. I hope we'll get a chance to talk tomorrow, because there won't be another chance until next week.
I'm also realizing how really scared I still am, both about more cheating and him deciding once again that he isn't in love with me. Things are/will be different and I have to find a way to deal with the fear. I'm totally premenstrual right now, so it's just as well we haven't talked - the road ahead looks pretty black to me from this point on my hormonal rollercoaster.
Hope you're doing well, down there in the land of the crawdads - crawdads? why does that word come to mind?
I just got home from my monthly book club meeting (7 minutes book discussion, lots of wine, food, and friends) and everyone else is asleep, and I probably should be. It was fun, as usual, and as usual I managed to have distressingly (to others) strong opinions. Well, I guess only one opinion, but still managed to upset someone. If someone makes a choice that they are now unsure of, am I responsible for their feelings of uncertainty and possibly guilt? I don't think so, but I'm apparently in the minority.
So, had the talk this afternoon. H had told me that he had had multiple affairs the same day he told me he was leaving and he talked about that more today. I learned that he had had a one night stand shortly after we were married, nothing else until he started the online stuff about six years ago. I listened more than I talked, but still probably talked too much.
He seemed relieved to be able to talk about it. I think I'll have a lot more questions as time goes on - guess I'll have to decide which ones to ask.
I have fixed my errors as I've gone along, but have there ever been a lot of them in this post! Typing while drunk is definitely not a good idea. I've only had about 4 glasses of wine, so I am apparently a very cheap date.
He said he has spent some time (as recently as last night) trying to figure out if this is really what he wants (me, and the family) and hasn't even 'been able to go there'; that he doesn't have any sense that he's 'settling'. That's good, but what if he does start to feel that he's settling? I've been telling myself that all I can do is continue to be the best me I can, the one that he apparently wants to be with, that he 'really likes'...
Something else I've wondered about for a while is whether I'm hooked on the emotional intensity of all this, or perhaps my H is. When we are dealing with this stuff, it all seems so life and death. Normal life is much less intense - can seem boring compared to the rest of it.
The last email I found was part of an online relationship that has been going on - off and on, apparently - since last fall, when H said he was leaving. Today he said that that correspondence helped him to see that that wasn't what he wanted, that what he wants is our family and me.
I have moments when I feel really happy about that, but mostly I'm really scared to trust it. And I'm worried about slipping into the old patterns of behaviour if I take it for granted again. On the other hand, do I always have to be scared? Not much of a way to live.
Well... your goal was to "reconnect". He's talking, Ingrid. It doesn't appear that there were any new "bombs", but rather he wants to come clean and stop living a lie.
I understand what you're saying about being hooked on the "drama". As intense as some of our initial <ahem> conversations got, the cathartic feeling of getting it all out and getting through it was amazing. The make-up sex incredible.
For a while after things got more "normal" I was more afraid than ever that we were headed back to the place where it could happen again. We aren't the same people anymore though, and we never will be.
As for living with fear. I'm guessing that most of us realize at this point that we never had any guarantees. If you are afraid now, in this relationship after all the disclosure, wouldn't you be afraid in a new one? Would you trust someone else more just because there is no prior history?
Obviously your H has some work to do to assuage your fears and give you the reassurance you need if you can trust him with your heart again.
Can we trust without taking things for granted? Should we be able to take some things for granted?
I think you can find excitement in normal life to replace the drama once you get past the withdrawl from the drama-drug. Don't borrow trouble; if he says he isn't "settling"-- he's not... although everybody "settles", in real life, once in a while. Don't they?
You write better tipsy than I do sober. Bleah. Have you looked for a golf league you can join together? We used to sign up for those charity "scrambles" where ya get to use best ball to take off the pressure. But that's 'cause we pretty much suck at golf.
Oh.. still trying to figure out the question you posed from your book club. I think I totally agree with you, but since I don't know the context I can't be absolutely sure..... but, ok. I agree. You are right and they are wrong. So there.
Now, it's a beautiful morning in crawFISH country (they call 'em crawdad's somewhere... I confused crawdads, crawfish, and crayfish when I first moved here but if you call them anything but crawfish or mudbugs[how yummy], they look at you like you have two heads.) and I have some new bachelors buttons to plant before the daily rain.
Have a lovely day... I'll check back later to see how you feel about it all when you're sober :-)
so we got together with the class) and Saturday an evening out with adults. Not people that I feel particulary drawn to, but it was a date with my H, so that was nice.