Mulesqb still getting kicked in the a$$

[mulesqb]

Hey Phoenix -Good point. The truth is that I would like a separation right now - just not the legal one where we end up selling the house.

I am not pushing counseling at all. I don't even ask her about it. She brought up her IC session to me the other day and I went about my biz. Her parents are another story - but I am staying out of it. They asked her the other day to stay in their house and they would move out for the time being and she replied that she didn't want to leave her house. I believe that is because of the neighbors - not us.

You make good points - I don't know how to get there yet.

[Phoenixdeux]

Mules,

If she brings up how miserable she is with you and the kids, I might take that opportunity to suggest that she get a place of her own for awhile (not legal separation...just her go, you stay), but until then, just let her chart her own course.

[mulesqb]

She was in twice a week counseling with a Doctor not just a therapist, and he encouraged her to do "what will make you happy."

That is my fear right now. At least with our MC - she was pro-marriage.

Your wife and her actions is definitely not one of those things, despite how helpless that makes us feel.

I feel completely helpless right now. I need to talk to people constantly because of that - that's why I journal here and look for support. Can't thank you guys enough.

If you ALL can tolerate each other at home, wonderful. Just know that in many of these situations, people tend to find that the distance is ultimately helpful. For sanity at the very least and possibly for the relationship as well.

This is where we are now. I do think distance would help us but not the kids. What do I do about that??

This is not an easy journey Mules. It will wear you down more quickly than you could believe. But your marriage and your family is something that you would endure just about anything for, right? Honestly, until and unless infidelity comes in to the picture, can you morally do anything but continue to fight for this marriage?

]

Bill - thank you for this part- I am going to print this out and carry it in my wallet for the time being. The roller coaster of emotions is the hardest part. I have noticed that the periods where she acts normal are longer than they used to be. Is that a good sign or meaningless??

But pressure from the outside, whether from you, the boys, or her parents has typically shown to be a big negative.

I promise that I am a non-factor with her counseling. She has brought it up twice and I did not ask one question either time. I felt like she wanted me to ask questions but I don't want to. I just think it will lead into one of those big conversations. And quite honestly I'm not up for any of those right now.

The MLC'er is experiencing a level of frustration similar to what the rest of you are going through. In their confusion they cry out, act out, and vascillate back and forth between seeming in control and out of control. This is NORMAL in this situation, and the down times she goes through is NOT because of you or the boys.

It was good to read this. It makes sense and will help me cope. I have been increasingly frustrated this week.

I hate to keep bringing it up, but Sue Monk Kidd was experiencing basically an MLC at the time of writing the book I recommended. While much of her story is from the spiritual side, she talks at length about the feelings of restlessness, dissatisfaction - especially with things that were once satisfying - and the sense of being lost with no direction. She found her way out, and your wife can do the same.

Bill - I don't know if you saw my post on Monday - but I was all set to give it to her then. But then I heard about her meltdown with her Dad and i figured I better wait. I have been reading it in the meantime. There are many uncanny similarities that she will be able to relate to. I think at times it gets a little heavy for her, but when I do give it to her I will encourage her to get through them.

You CAN do this. It will be hard and painful, but you can. And it IS worth it. Ask Jackthreebeans.

It is so worth it. She's my soulmate - somehow she will find her way back to me. At least that is what I believe - and there have been times that all my logic says differently. I keep telling my sons - she can keep knocking me down - I'll just keep getting back up.

[mulesqb]

If she brings up how miserable she is with you and the kids, I might take that opportunity to suggest that she get a place of her own for awhile (not legal separation...just her go, you stay), but until then, just let her chart her own course.

Ok - I will do that. The last time I did - she went into a tirade about how she is a good mother and loves her kids. But I do think she is thinking about this. Maybe the neighbors can go too! (Just a little humor, I need to laugh)

[mulesqb]

Journal - Last night she dropped S10 at baseball practice and S14 at a graduation party. I told her I would pick both up. I did that and got home to find her sleeping in her bed with S7. I got changed and she woke up and said she was going downstairs to watch TV. I put the kids to bed and asked S7 how his day went. He told me about his day but said that he ate dinner all by himself. He told me that my W put his dinner on the table, and then went next door to have wine with the neighbors. I was furious. But I know the kids are way too involved in this so i am wondering if he has the truth or is making it up.

I asked my W this morning and she said he was acting up when she ate with S10 so she waited and gave him dinner afterwards. She claims that she just went outside and was watering the plants while he was eating. I don't know who or what to believe anymore. Even in this state of mind I can't see my W leaving him alone in the house to go have wine. I don't think my S7 should ever eat alone - I am very upset about that.

S14 has a baseball game tonight. My W has to bring him - I will get there by the time it starts. I told my W this morning that I would take the kids to dinner after the game - she said SHE would love to go but it will be too late.

She has been drinking wine every day - she has never been a drinker. She drinks this stupid red wine and orange soda mix they showed her.

Right now we are just existing in the house. She is hot and cold with her moods. After reading Bill's post yesterday I can see this is normal MLC behavior. The shame is that when she is her old self - it is such a tease. It's torturous - it makes me want to hug her and have a romantic evening. But then I realize she tells her father that she doesn't love me anymore and it's not going to change.

Here's to validating, supporting, and unconditional loving!

[mulesqb]

Update - Hey guys. Came home tonite - W was very depressed. She said she needs to do something about this. Said I am just a stranger to her and she doesn't know me anymore. Then she went into a a whole thing about how the kids hate her. She said she needs space. We decided to go back to the trial separation. She is going to her aunt's tomorrow and will stay until Monday. On Monday night I will go to my parents and stay until Friday.

I'm very down. We actually are getting along pretty well. I don't understand this stranger comment - but I'm not arguing. She still can't articulate what's really bothering her. I told her that I loved her and still consider her my best friend. I told her that i can see something is terribly wrong and that i wish I had an answers for both of us but honestly don't. I than went about my biz and called my parents to make arrangements for Monday. I still don't think she has called her aunt yet. She is in the basement right now painting a birdhouse for our neighbors.

Please say a prayer for better days for my family.

[faithisbelieving]

mules.....I read your last post and it does INDEED sound like MLC as Bill posted. Let me reiterate some things he said as reinforcement:
-THIS IS NOT ABOUT YOU!!!!!!
-these are HER deepseated issues

W was very depressed

-

Said I am just a stranger to her and she doesn't know me anymore

This is projection...she seems strange to herself and does't know HERSELF anymore

Having been thru this, I can tell you that none of the following will work:
-forcing her into counselling
-telling her how much you love her

You must TOTALLY focus on your kids right now. Open the door if she wants out...do it with love...do it without sarcasm or anger...do it for emotional relief. As Bill said, this does not go away quickly. It takes a LONG TIME and if you stay on this rollercoaster, hanging on every little positive sign, you will become exhausted quickly.

Even tho' the hourglass is running out on my M, the most comments that I got from my W stating that 'she didn't want a D' .....came after filing and after I gave up. Again, I am NOT recommending that you file. I read that you saw the Mets, if you live in NY, like me, perhaps there is a way that you can do a sep without doing it legally. Let her know that if she does leave, she is safe and that you won't label this as abandonment.

Hang in.
FIB

[Phoenixdeux]

Mules,

I agree with the above. Tone down the ILYs. I personally don't like you going to your parents, unless you are taking the kids with you. I think it's preferable to have her be the one that does all the leaving. It's her issue and you can't bail her out by being the one to leave. If it's at all possible, I'd look at something that can be a longer separation...like an apartment. A week isn't going to cut it. And leaving her a week at the house, with the neighbors, is going to do NOTHING to further your cause. She'll probably be happy as a clam with that arrangement...she'll have the house and her best buddies.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Mules,

I agree with the above. Tone down the ILYs. I personally don't like you going to your parents, unless you are taking the kids with you. I think it's preferable to have her be the one that does all the leaving. It's her issue and you can't bail her out by being the one to leave. If it's at all possible, I'd look at something that can be a longer separation...like an apartment. A week isn't going to cut it. And leaving her a week at the house, with the neighbors, is going to do NOTHING to further your cause. She'll probably be happy as a clam with that arrangement...she'll have the house and her best buddies.

I agree.

[faithisbelieving]

I agree. Don't leave the house for now. FIB