Can we look at the positives in your sitch rather then all of the negatives...
He came home.
He said he loves you.
He ended it with OW.
He is actually talking about his feelings.
He is making himself accountable to you.
Look, it is really really hard to deal with an affair, and it takes alot of time to truly heal from everything, especially the betrayal.
My feeling is that he wants to make things right with you and if you truly fogive him then your actions need to match your words.
This doesn't mean that you throw things in his face or bombard him with questions each time the OW enters your mind.
You are allowed to be real, and he also needs to understand that you are still hurting.
Making ourselves vulnerable but NOT needy is a balancing act. It really is OK to say that you are feeling a bit insecure and sometimes you need some words of encouragement.
There are a few really good books out there, one is called How Can I Forgive You, and the other is called After the Affair.
Please read them privately, and do not discuss them with your Husband. They are for you to read, not for him.
Your Husband is walking around with an incredible amount of guilt and shame and even though he made the bad choices, it is best not to make him feel worse about what he did.
Be thankful it is over and he wants a fresh start with you.
Now, down to the nitty gritty...
What do you need to change about yourself?
What areas of your Marriage have you been neglecting?
What can you do to make yourself feel better about yourself?
As for the intimacy, it will return, be patient.
Give him time...
For Men, sex is also very emotional not just physical and he needs to feel comfortable again.
(((((((((((hugs))))))))))
Thanks for the reminder to look at the postives. Yesterday he was deleting pictures of her off his phone (there were a lot) all day I was thinking about that. He has not carried a picture of me for years - I don't have one of him either but I was so hurt. Today I sat back and thought about it and remembered that when we were first dating we took pictures all the time. His relationship was illicit, exciting and new, of course they snapped shots of each other. When I thought about it that way it did make me feel better. Still stings but logically I know it was not a slam at me. He is going away for a few days again and he said, "not with her I am not going to answer any phone calles from her, going to turn my phone off at night (that is when she calls) and please believe me. " I appriecate his honesty, he did tell me he talked to her yesterday and that she texted me many times but he did not answer. I did join a gym, took up a new hobby kept plans I had made before his return and still plan on doing those things. I know that I have been neglectful in lots of way about our marriage. Took a lot for granted, stopped being friends with him. Working on getting that back, Today he did touch me more than he has, came and sat with me outside after the kids were in bed. I gave him some space too, he wanted to watch a movie and I wanted to go to bed. I know smothering him by being around all the time will get old real fast. I know that logically - emotionally I want to be right next to him because I want him to remember what we had, I know that is a bad idea so I am backing off. I have done my best not to be judgemental about her and him, in fact I have done that really well as hard as that is. I know he needs to talk about it so I am just listening as hard as some of it is to hear. He drank a lot with her I guess and was still drinking a lot when he came home, he has started to let up on that. I am seeing that as a good sign. Tonight he has been real quiet, my emotions wanted to nag and nag what are you thinking, why are you so quiet. But I have shut up and came upstairs. As for our lack of sex, we always had a great sex life so I think that is why I am so insecure about it. Have not brought it up though. Thanks again _________________________
Bad, bad day. H left for business trip, he asked if he could go, I did not want to be crazy and controlling so I said "of course, go" He made promises about not talking to OW. Now I have gotten myself worked up. Anaylizing everything he said yesterday, his attitute, finding negatives and doubts in all of it. He was short on the phone, so now I think he is making plans with her, he is changing his mind about working things out. Yesterday I was thinking so logically and now I feel like I have gone insane. I did not call him back, will not call back but it feels like any progress I did make on myself is now out the window. Trying to calm down. I know I need to remember that this is a long process and it will take a long time. Needed to vent.
AT, I want to be straight with you. IF you do not stop this behavior then he will leave again, do you understand. He came back home. He ended things with OW. You took him back unconditionally. You said you forgave him. It is your job to work on yourself, and when you find yourself starting to spin, find a way to stop it. Please read some of the resources here that will help you with the healing. Vent here all day if you want to, but do not take it out on him. Both of you have alot of hard work ahead of you, and you can have an even better Marriage then you had before. Right now you have a chance to have that, something that alot of people here do not have. Now Breathe.............
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There can be no testimony without a test. I am praying to go through this test and come out the other end with a new and better marriage then before.
