Memories of today

[Beth 83]

Hi All,

I saw H last night. We went out to dinner and then the movies.
The place we went out to dinner was the new restaurant of the same owners of a place we used to go to all the time. The owner recognized H.

I said to owner, "you know, (restaurant) was our first date!"
Owner: Really? How long ago?
H&me: around 11 years ago now.
O: wow (looks at my hand w/o my wedding band) And when are you going to pop the question?
me: Oh! we're married! I don't wear my ring.
O: OH! neither do I.

When the owner walked away, I apologized to H about the exchange and said that there was no reason to apologize. We had a good time.

Ended up sitting at the bar some and talking. H expressed that he still feels like he has something in him "big" that he needs to express creatively (he's ALWAYS said that). We talked alot, but it was a little awkward. It was awkward b/c he is very much in the same place. I really feel like he hasn't made any progress and it is just disappointing to me.

At the movies, H held my hand in my lap. Toward the end, to adjust myself, I swung my legs over his lap. We were fine with that.

When he left, kiss on the cheeck.

What I had talked about with my therapist yesterday was that this time during the separation, I finally am becoming comfortable in my own skin. That I finally feel like an adult, a woman, a person of my own. Understand that when H and I started dating, I still felt like a awkward teenager (at 18) and ever since then, it has been "us". This time for myself, I'm learning about my sexuality, my personality, my confidence.

And, when I'm w/ H...it's like: I want him to fill the space of being my other half, but I don't know if he can. I need to feel desirable and he doesn't treat me that way. I need to feel secure and I don't with him. I need to feel loved and even that, I question now.

It really is a time of reflection for me.