Trying ... well if you can call it that, I guess.

[Abbey]

Chris, the thing about the ADs working... is that I still feel *real* sadness. You feel that too? I'm not consumed or weighted as I felt before under the depression though. This feeling is depressed over the pointlessness of the sitch, and over the fact that the mountain I face to even try to fix this is enormous. Almost a pre and post exhaustion because I know the effort required to redirect our lives in a way needed to obtain the kind of married life together we deserve, needs BOTH OF us to really be committed to in a way that we'd lost a long, long time ago. It's kinda like standing in front a your house after it being bulldozed and you're now standing there with a screwdriver in your hand. *rolls eyes* Ya know what I mean?

I still cry, still want to lay down for an hour in bed and just pull the covers over my had and pamper myself (my T said that I'm allowed to allow myself to do this.) This was a concept that I really have had a hard time with. Allowing myself to take care of me. Strange, isn't it. I do find that if I stay "in" that mode for too long though, it takes me longer to get out of it. I'm going to have to put a time limit on it I think. One hour, nap,... then get up and put my make up on and self indulge in something.

Michelle,... yep, I need some kind of boy toy too. I hope this doesn't offend anyone, cuz it's not meant to at all... I've SERIOUSLY thought of putting an advert in the local music scene website for a male guitarist, who leans towards acoustic music and can sing harmony and want to write and gig some. The rub is: He must be gay. *smile* Good looking but gay. *tongue in cheek* That's where I'm at. I want a bud but someone I don't have to have the complication of ever having to worry about being romantically involved with,... who can have fun with me, do some tunes together and well... gay guys of the music variety can be such EXCELLENT female pamperers and amazing conversationalists.

Ahhhh.
Abbey