Not sure if this section is appropriate or not but here goes. I found this site some 10 months ago when my wife and I first seperated. It was really hard for me to cope with but in time it became easier. We've remained very good friends in the hope that one day we could come back together as a family and in fact have begun seeing each other in the last few months.
About 2 weeks ago I did a bad thing. I had become suspicious of some things she had said and was spending the afternoon at her apartment and went snooping. I found her diary and in it found that she had a one night stand some 6 months prior and a near miss with a close friend just days before. Remorse was apparent in her wrting to herself but the pain for me was still very intense.
I was obviously very upset, as we had promised each other that the reason for our seperation was to try to come back at some point and give it another go. On those grounds we promised not to date and see other people. I imediately said I wanted a divorce. I could not try to work things out with a person who could do that. She begged and pleaded with me not to make this decision. She didn't want our marriage to end like this. She didn't want a divorce.
I spent many heart wrenching nights being angry, crying, but never getting past the fact that I LOVE this woman. I talked with her about this and said I do love you and want to give us a chance. It still hurts. Heck it's only been 2 weeks but I'm doing ok with it. We even went on our first date in 10 months last Friday. However I do sense hesitation in her. She's not ready to jump back in. Well, neither am I. But I'm afraid that she's not really as commited to this as I am. She tells me she loves me. Sent me a card saying that she wants me in her life as her husband, but admits that she still has things to think about before she can say that she wants to come back. Which I can understand, as we had problems that caused us to seperated to begin with. I think the hesitation is actually harder than dealing with the infidelity. Here I was thinking that once I made the decision to try to make things work, to put the past behind us and move forward, she would be as happy as I am. But instead she's saying that my feelings seem to have come on too strong and too quick and have surprised her.
She does call me at least once a day to talk. Not always about us but just to chat. She does tell me that she loves me, which is obviously a very good sign. I bought her flowers yesterday and when asked why I said because it Tuesday and I love you. She really likes that. I feel we're on the right track as long as I cool my jets a bit and take things slow. But how do I read what she's says. Should I just go with it as long as we are communicating and seeing each other I would assume we are moving towards a goal. I want to continure to move forward with our hopes of making our marrige work. I a little scared that I may come off as too pushy or trying to make it go too fast. Any advice in that reguards would really be appreciated. I know that this will be a long hard road for us both and I want to do everything I can to help up make the right turns.
Now another problem arises today. It's a custody issue between her and her ex. She needs an attorney, and of course money for the attorney. She asked if she could borrow 1000 for part of the retainer. I'm not sure how comfortable I am with that at this point in our relationship. I told her this and she understands. I did tell her that we would talk about it though. Is this a bad idea. If we don't work things out and she doesn't pay me back for some reason I'll feel like an idiot. However, I do love her and she seems very genuine in her desire to try to make out marriage work. Is helping her with this money a good faith effort on my part to show her that I trust her? Geez why can life never be easy!?!
