I hope I can do it. Its just finding the right balance. It was a positive talk and I'm not sure she knows what she wants but me walking on eggshells is not it.
Tyring not to worry about screwing up and going about my business and not over thinking things will not be easy. But the alternative is life without her and that right now is not what I want and I really don't think she wants that either or she would have been gone a long time ago.
Something is keeping her in the house and our bed but just what that is I'm not sure, maybe neither of us want to give up. Hopefully I am reading that right now I just need to move on and start living my life.
She said lets take it one day at a time and go from there and that is what I need to do from here on out.
One thing I did say to her was that I am leaving all of the physical stuff up to her. I want to be near her and snuggle and hug her but I know that she does not want that. And since I am not sure when she does that I will not do anything unless she initiates it.
Right or wrong I feel it is giving her the scense that I undersatnd what she is going thru and that I will not pressure her into anything.
This took some back and forth between us because its hard to explain so that each of us understand and that feelings were not being hurt but I think in the end it was good.
When we sat down to watch tv instead of each of us in a corner of the couch, she was in the middle leaning towards me. No touching but atleast she was closer than normal and I like when she does that. She does not do this ofter but I feel when she does we are connecting a little bit better.
One thing I did say to her was that I am leaving all of the physical stuff up to her. I want to be near her and snuggle and hug her but I know that she does not want that. And since I am not sure when she does that I will not do anything unless she initiates it.
Right or wrong I feel it is giving her the scense that I undersatnd what she is going thru and that I will not pressure her into anything.
This took some back and forth between us because its hard to explain so that each of us understand and that feelings were not being hurt but I think in the end it was good.
When we sat down to watch tv instead of each of us in a corner of the couch, she was in the middle leaning towards me. No touching but atleast she was closer than normal and I like when she does that. She does not do this ofter but I feel when she does we are connecting a little bit better.
Can I make another suggestion?? You can tell me to shut up and F'off if you want and I want be offended..
since she has clued you in, what not take a break from this board for 2 days then come back and give us an update. The reason I suggest that is since you now have a clue then you could use this weekend just to sit back and evaluate her actions....without any impact from this board..
Like I said, just a suggestion...it will give you a break and let you evaluate a little.
I would never tell you to FO. Your advice and the fact that you tell me like it is and not what I want to hear has been unvaluable.
She is going to a family reunion on Saturday while I represent the family at a friends house for their sons graduation party so we wont see much of each other but taking some time from these boards might be good.
Sometimes reading about all the people out there gets me down and also makes me more suspicious of my wife since so many people out there are having A.
I just need to relax and learn to trust myself and gain that self confidence I use to have way back when. Once that happens I am hopeing all will fall in place.
I'm taking my S to his PT appointment and it is close to the OM house and we are eariry so for some unknow reason I decide to drive by. My W car is parked out front.
I pull in the drive way fly up top to the door and bang on it. I see my wife and enter the house. I cn not remember what I said but left immediatlly. She comes out says that he called me today to take him to pick up his car because his w wont be home till later and he had nobody else.
He comes outside and looks me stright in the eye and says that nothing is going on between them. They have been friends since High School and that He has been married for 17 years and we are just friends.
I am like look at this from my point of view. You are texting my wife for over a year without my knowlege. I see a text message that says I love ya. I look straight at my wife and say. You said it is like a love for a girlfriend but when was the last time you have ever said that to a girl.
He says I can see how you would think that. I would think that but nothing is happening. We are just friends and i needed a ride to get my car. My wife realizes that Our S is in the car. Thank god he is oblivious to anything. She gets pissed because he is in there.
Now as I am standing there looking at this guy and my wife. Furious as can be I actually belive these two. First of all he is dressed like a slob and is not at all what I would call good looking. But I can sense the honesty. Am I F nuts or have I just blown everthing out of proportion or did I stop something before it started.
I don't know at this point, I leave, she leaves and i take my S to his PT appointment.
I call my W on her cell and we taled for about an hour. She cryed, I cryed. We talked about me discovering what an A-hole I have been, how I lost who I was because of allowing everyone to dictate my life, how I am trying to get it back. The changes I have been making and why. The reason I am shopping for myself.
I told her I want to stop depending on other people. I want to be self sufficiant. I want to find out what make me happy and do things just for me. I appolologized for all the pain I put her and the kids thru in the past and how I have to deal with that everyday. I told her that I am a better person today and will continue to make myself better.
I told her that I want to make our marriage work but if the only reason she is still here is because it is what I want then that is not good enough. I want her to try because she wants to try. I want her to be with me because she wants to be with me not because I want her to be with me. I asked her if she understood and she said that she did. I said it will mean nothing to me if youare onluy here to please me, that is not what I want.
It was a long mentally draining conversation but some of it needed to come out. I told her since we don't go to councling I have no way of knowing what she is thinking or what direction we are going in. She almost said we should go but I wont hold my breath.
She admitted that she does not know what she wants and that maybe she should see a C to help her figure it out. She also hinted on reading some of my r books. Of course I will not give her DB or DR thay are mine.
Sorry for the long post but wow want an afternoon. I either settle the OM problem once and for all or ended my marriage. Either way I feel like I am in for one he** of a long couple of months.
I'm taking my S to his PT appointment and it is close to the OM house and we are eariry so for some unknow reason I decide to drive by. My W car is parked out front.
I pull in the drive way fly up top to the door and bang on it. I see my wife and enter the house. I cn not remember what I said but left immediatlly. She comes out says that he called me today to take him to pick up his car because his w wont be home till later and he had nobody else.
He comes outside and looks me stright in the eye and says that nothing is going on between them. They have been friends since High School and that He has been married for 17 years and we are just friends.
I am like look at this from my point of view. You are texting my wife for over a year without my knowlege. I see a text message that says I love ya. I look straight at my wife and say. You said it is like a love for a girlfriend but when was the last time you have ever said that to a girl.
He says I can see how you would think that. I would think that but nothing is happening. We are just friends and i needed a ride to get my car. My wife realizes that Our S is in the car. Thank god he is oblivious to anything. She gets pissed because he is in there.
Now as I am standing there looking at this guy and my wife. Furious as can be I actually belive these two. First of all he is dressed like a slob and is not at all what I would call good looking. But I can sense the honesty. Am I F nuts or have I just blown everthing out of proportion or did I stop something before it started.
I don't know at this point, I leave, she leaves and i take my S to his PT appointment.
I call my W on her cell and we taled for about an hour. She cryed, I cryed. We talked about me discovering what an A-hole I have been, how I lost who I was because of allowing everyone to dictate my life, how I am trying to get it back. The changes I have been making and why. The reason I am shopping for myself.
I told her I want to stop depending on other people. I want to be self sufficiant. I want to find out what make me happy and do things just for me. I appolologized for all the pain I put her and the kids thru in the past and how I have to deal with that everyday. I told her that I am a better person today and will continue to make myself better.
I told her that I want to make our marriage work but if the only reason she is still here is because it is what I want then that is not good enough. I want her to try because she wants to try. I want her to be with me because she wants to be with me not because I want her to be with me. I asked her if she understood and she said that she did. I said it will mean nothing to me if youare onluy here to please me, that is not what I want.
It was a long mentally draining conversation but some of it needed to come out. I told her since we don't go to councling I have no way of knowing what she is thinking or what direction we are going in. She almost said we should go but I wont hold my breath.
She admitted that she does not know what she wants and that maybe she should see a C to help her figure it out. She also hinted on reading some of my r books. Of course I will not give her DB or DR thay are mine.
Sorry for the long post but wow want an afternoon. I either settle the OM problem once and for all or ended my marriage. Either way I feel like I am in for one he** of a long couple of months.
Head, Insert 2x4 here.
No 2x4..I can't do it.
Take a step back-observe things for a few days..No R talks unless she initiates.
I feel so bad right now. All I ever wanted from my W and kids is their respect and what I now have is their fear of me. How do I deal with that. How do I forgive myself and move on. Understand this is not physical fear I have never layed a hand on my W or Kids but I have been hard on them mentally.
I told my W that I started to improve myself for me and then as I kept going I discoved all the things I had done to her and the kids and I must deal with that everyday.
She told me its time to forgive yourself. She had walked on eggshells for so long and tryed to keep the peace for so long she does not know how to do anything else. She does not know what she wants or what will make her happy.
I have cause so much pain to her. I asked her why she is still here, why she never left. Her only reply was that it was for the kids and she does not want to be seen as a bad person.
I feel like a monster an oger. I drove my W to this. How could I of done this to the most wonderful thing that has ever happened to me. How do I make it up to her and how do I help her get over all this and find herself again. Why did it take me this long to stop blaming her and realize I was the problem?
I told her last night that all I want from her is to decide for herself what she wants. I want you to make this decision for you, not the kids, not me and not because you think it is what I want. Take as long as you want and if you decide I have to leave I will go. No regrets, no feeling that you are a bad person.
I told her I don't know where all this jelousy came from but I don't like it. She said with all the good changes you have made it does not fit me.
I must now step way back from her. I must find it within myself to forgive me for the things I cannot change and I must prepare myself for what maybe the end of my marriage. I feel neither one of us what that but neither of us knows how to rebuild this R.
We both need time. We both must learn to trust each other. And we both must find the confidence within ourselves to be who we were meant to be. Together or apart we must learn to make ourselves happy.
I have never felt like this and I hope in time I will never have to feel this way again.
All this because I am a DAM who finally got smart. Who finally grew up and who finally realized that I am in control of me and all the actions and non actions I have done.
Hi Distressed, are you guys in MC ? I wish you could talk to my H, you sound so much like where he was at a few months ago.
Focus on the new you & be the best you can. One day at a time. Somedays, one hour at a time. Some hours, one minute at a time.
hugs
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
I fel much better today than on Saturday. It was our anniversary yesterday and we spent the day taking my S to scout camp. My W is really worried and instead of argue or trying to say that it will be all right. I told her I understood how she could feel that way and I made sure she was comfortable with the camp before we left.
Everytime she would bring it up I would just listen to her and tell her I understand.
We exchanged cards last night and things were ok.
We are not in MC I keep asking her but she wont go. After Friday I really want us to go and I am hopeing I can talk her into it.
I am throwing myself into work right now to give her space. I just don't want it to end this way. I think she has come to the realization that it was an EA and now she has that to deal with.
I want to be there for her but we need C and until she agrees it will take alot longer for us to heal.
I fel much better today than on Saturday. It was our anniversary yesterday and we spent the day taking my S to scout camp. My W is really worried and instead of argue or trying to say that it will be all right. I told her I understood how she could feel that way and I made sure she was comfortable with the camp before we left.
Everytime she would bring it up I would just listen to her and tell her I understand.
We exchanged cards last night and things were ok.
We are not in MC I keep asking her but she wont go. After Friday I really want us to go and I am hopeing I can talk her into it.
I am throwing myself into work right now to give her space. I just don't want it to end this way. I think she has come to the realization that it was an EA and now she has that to deal with.
I want to be there for her but we need C and until she agrees it will take alot longer for us to heal.
Hang in there and continue to do "what was working" before your backslide on Friday.
Sounds like she may now know that it was wrong of her to seek out the other guy.
She may come around as far as MC goes but don't try and push her into it.
