Wow Ali, I don't know what to say. I'm still trying to get my wife to get a job again, She hasn't worked for 17 years now. I have aways thought she needed that outside interaction. So I tend to agree with you on this one. I know she had much more sex appeal then, because it got her into the habit of looking good for work.
If it is something that makes you happy maybe you can talk with him about it again when he is not so stressed.
I, on the other hand, would love to be told to quit my job, even though I work at home. Perhaps when my kids are older I'll feel more of an actual desire for outside work, but right now, it would be great to have lots of time for all the things that need to be done around here. I didn't work for about 10 years, until both kids were in school, and life was much more peaceful and organized.
Ali, is there a way to compromise? Or maybe you could talk about what most bugs your H about the current situation and find a way to address that one specific thing? Can you give up the work you enjoy without being resentful about being forced into that choice? Can you find some volunteer work that will give you the same boost you get from paid work but will allow you greater control over your schedule?
I bet there's lots of options between the two you've considered so far.
Thanks you all your support means the world to me ~ really.
I have not had the talk yet but I think I will tomorrow. PLus the extra $ doesnt hurt either. Today alone I probably made close to 200 dollars. So I have fun and I get paid for it....
There are alot of positives going on and I am doing well in the backing off initiating so much, but I am still letting him know I am up for having fun by massaging his back and giving lots of physical closeness. being playful.
The other day he called me and sang to me .... I just called to say I love you and I mean it from the bottom.... he was so sweet. And we even went for a walk. All things that keep my love tank full.
We are getting along well... and it really sometimes feels like I am dreaming to be honest. Sure he has his occasional outburst but he is human.
I am going to see the Dr. on Monday. I have been having alot of discomforts and just a general feeling of exhaustion. Swelling of the feet, tingling.of the feet,heart palpations and headaches.... this is how I felt last time I had anemia. Last time the DR. told me he was surprised I could function with how my bloodwork came back.
A lady at work told me to get checked out for diabetes too. uuuggh~...
I am feeling just exhausted today and before I started to tear up and my H said what is the matter ? I said .. I dunno.. I just dont feel good and started crying.
For some reason he gets frustrated when I am weak.Or sick.... last time I had Anemia he was also sex starved and so he didnt ubderstand it or have the desire too. I felt so hurt by that. So this time around I will talk to him about it and I need him to be supportive...... I need to feel that he has my back ...
Last time he just expected me to wave a wand and be well again. It took me nearly 2 years to get better. I think that is where the tears come in aside from be feeling upset that I may be "sick" again. It brings back old memories I would rather not remember at all.
I pray this time he can be supportive... I really do. God bless... ~Ali
For some reason he gets frustrated when I am weak.Or sick.... last time I had Anemia he was also sex starved and so he didnt ubderstand it or have the desire too. I felt so hurt by that. So this time around I will talk to him about it and I need him to be supportive...... I need to feel that he has my back ...
Ali,
You brought back the memory of one of the more shameful aspects of being an hurt, resentful, sex-starved husband. I too had the hardest time taking care of my wife when she was feeling sick or overly tired. I resented it, and she knew that I did. If she got sick, I would get angry about it -- irrational as that is -- as if she had done it on purpose just to have another handy excuse to avoid being physically intimate with me. And then I would feel guilty about feeling angry about something she couldn't have prevented: I KNEW that it was selfish and childish of me to react that way.
To make things worse, when -> I <- got sick, my wife was extremely loving and caring with me, always. I felt like a real bone-headed, self-centered jerk then, remembering how I was when it happened to her. She should have given me a taste of my own medicine, but care-giver that she is, she couldn't do that.
I am SO glad that those days are behind us. The hurt, anger, and resentment have faded, and my self confidence as a man and a lover are very much on the mend. I now enjoy taking responsibility for the family again, supporting and cherishing my wife, and caring for her when she doesn't feel well.
Every now and then Murphey's Law will stack things up against us in the area of physical intimacy: let's say I've been away on a conference trip (and trip reunions can be nice), come home to a wife who's period started that same day (and period-sex puts her in even more discomfort), and then her and kids get some bug that they've brought home from school. About that point, I'm ready to go find a knot-hole in a tree somewhere, and am perhaps not at my best bedside manner. The difference nowadays is that we would BOTH be feeling pretty frustrated about the situation, and I know that -- it isn't just me any longer.
Which makes all the difference in the world.
Take care,
-- B.
Last edited by Bagheera; 06/29/0809:13 PM.
Me 50, W 45, M for 26 yrs S25, D23, S13, S10 20+ year SSM; recovery began Oct 2007
I've done that, too. I actually acted like the caring guy who would bring soup, fill hot water bottles, and take care of things, but I resented it all deeply.
Partly, it was that "excuse" aspect--"Here we go again, your stomach hurts, huh? I guess I know what we won't be doing for the next week."
Partly, it was that little-boy voice that whines about what's NOT FAIR!!!!! "Sure, I'll be glad to fill hot water bottles and bring you everything you need even though you can't lower yourself enough to have sex with me. . . . since I'm not good enough to be your husband, but apparently I'm good enough to be your &%%$*ing nurse . . . ."
It isn't rational. I'm not proud of it. But I'm finding that it happens to other people, too. (OK, this is interesting if not exactly a proud moment: when I typed those words (things I really used to say to myself) my face got hot and I tensed up. I was feeling the old anger again even while I talked about it in the past tense--it's right there, close enough to be called up by familiar words.)
So I am procrastanating and I havent made my appt but I have been resting extra. And so far we havent had to have the "talk".... (( about that he will need to be supportive ))
He has been allowing me to be human and he has been supportive to be honest. Most likely cause his sex tank is relatively full...... Yesterday was fun~ * wink * wink*
Yeah SB even when you type about old feelings it is like you are right there until you are able to deal with them and move on. They are somehow just there underneath the surface.
For example I can talk about the OW or his Tattoo and not get upset anymore but that took me 2 years..... So In time you will get better. You relly will.
Thanks for your input guys.. it really helps me to get a male perspective. I have no male friends and so it it such a blessing to read your posts.... Thank you....
I never thought abut it like that..... he is also probably thinking " oh GOD Anemia again ???!!~? &^&**% somebody shoot me.."
Last time I was so tired like when you are in your first trimester... this time around I have been taking naps when I can , so I am more functional. Last time I tried to be superwoman and it was too much. The Dr had even told me your iron is so low I am surprised you could function. I do feel weak and he will ask me whats wrong and I will say.. " I am ok , I just feel weak."
We have been getting along great....... we threw a party on Sunday and we both had fun. He was even hugging me in front of everyone.
* ( hugging me with me facing him and like I was his favorite teddy bear when you are 5 years old ) *** NICE! *( and NO~ he wasnt drunk!)
He is usually very private with public displays of affection. Very resreved. I can honestly say this is the first time he has ever done that. I felt like a million bucks... He recently bought me a new bike and so I am going to go on a bike ride I will check on you all later. Take care and God bless... ~Ali
