I just got home from my monthly book club meeting (7 minutes book discussion, lots of wine, food, and friends) and everyone else is asleep, and I probably should be. It was fun, as usual, and as usual I managed to have distressingly (to others) strong opinions. Well, I guess only one opinion, but still managed to upset someone. If someone makes a choice that they are now unsure of, am I responsible for their feelings of uncertainty and possibly guilt? I don't think so, but I'm apparently in the minority.
So, had the talk this afternoon. H had told me that he had had multiple affairs the same day he told me he was leaving and he talked about that more today. I learned that he had had a one night stand shortly after we were married, nothing else until he started the online stuff about six years ago. I listened more than I talked, but still probably talked too much.
He seemed relieved to be able to talk about it. I think I'll have a lot more questions as time goes on - guess I'll have to decide which ones to ask.
I have fixed my errors as I've gone along, but have there ever been a lot of them in this post! Typing while drunk is definitely not a good idea. I've only had about 4 glasses of wine, so I am apparently a very cheap date.
He said he has spent some time (as recently as last night) trying to figure out if this is really what he wants (me, and the family) and hasn't even 'been able to go there'; that he doesn't have any sense that he's 'settling'. That's good, but what if he does start to feel that he's settling? I've been telling myself that all I can do is continue to be the best me I can, the one that he apparently wants to be with, that he 'really likes'...
Something else I've wondered about for a while is whether I'm hooked on the emotional intensity of all this, or perhaps my H is. When we are dealing with this stuff, it all seems so life and death. Normal life is much less intense - can seem boring compared to the rest of it.
The last email I found was part of an online relationship that has been going on - off and on, apparently - since last fall, when H said he was leaving. Today he said that that correspondence helped him to see that that wasn't what he wanted, that what he wants is our family and me.
I have moments when I feel really happy about that, but mostly I'm really scared to trust it. And I'm worried about slipping into the old patterns of behaviour if I take it for granted again. On the other hand, do I always have to be scared? Not much of a way to live.
