another date set today!

[sandi2]

Hi jandn,

I read your post on another thread and you asked for somebody to please help you. I started at the very beginning of your thread and tried to read all of it, but it dragged me down to much, so I started skipping over some places. I think I missed the part about having sex. I thought it was a little strange that unlike most men that talk about how much they want their wife back and miss her and talk about trying to get some kind of physical touch from her.....I never saw where you mentioned this at all. Perhaps that was the part I skipped.

I also noticed that you never talked much about the children except the tossing them back and forth between the two of you (my words...not yours). You are very, very obsessed with your wife and getting her back (I think), but if the problems are not resolved before she comes back home.....then you have not accomplished anything other than her living under the same roof. The two of you will be miserable.

If you made any attempts in detaching from your wife....I missed that also. I have never seen a couple that is suppose to be separated making so much contact and "hanging out" together and going out to dinner together. I suppose you are calling this your attempt to "date" her and woo her back into the M? But to be honest, I had a hard time understanding the way you posted....not your fault, just me. I did get the idea that you were just "journaling" instead of seeking advice from the people here on the board. I never saw you make any goals or objectives or talk about any specifics where you had changed. You just recored every day's events and what she said and what you said.

I am also wondering if you are even using Michelle's DR book. I did not see where you referred to it, however you did refer to another book. Maybe that is one of Michelle's and I don't know about it. If so, please infrom me.

Did have some sex talk about the other day. She asked if I regretted it, I said no. I let her look at my DivorceCare book and recommended she go, cause she is feeling like I am. I showed it to her cause I said "is this what you are feeling?" Was a ball of entangled emotions and she said yes it is and looked through the whole book, my notes and all.

First of all, if this is one of Michelle's books (which I haven't heard of), it was not for her to see. Michelle gives tools for you to use and not for the other spouse to see you "game plan". Why would you do that?

Said "well on these losses you never mention anything about me, just the kids and money" I countered with "thats what the whole program is about is being torn apart from you".

As I see it, showing her this book and program backfired on you. First, it showed her that you are being "needy" instead of her seeing a strong man standing in front of her. Seondly, it brought up resentment over the money and kids. So in the long run.....it was not a good thing for her to see your workbook.

Here is another thing I would like to point out to you....and it was hard to pick just one out of so many.....

I might have been a little pushy after W left, cause sent text thanking her for coming over and really enjoyed your company. She thanked me for having her and brownies. I went out on a limb and said, welcome, too bad you couldnt stay longer or all nite:-( See you in the morning! Didnt get anything back.

I cannot begin to tell you how pushy you are! That is why I feel that you are not using Michelle's principles. Aslo, the 5 love languages are always mentioned by somebody, and that is okay except I feel that it is a litte difficult to implement that when the couple has split and headed for divorce. The time that should have been used was when the wife was home before the split.

Here's another example of what I talking about you being way too pushy and putting pressure on her and pursuing.

So I show up with D and we play with her a little bit and say too bad we cant hang out today. W says, I dont have any vacation time and really cant take any more days off. Said thats ok. So, I didnt give her that book or flower, but put it on her door after I left, then sent text about how to check it that was a just a lill something from yesterday since I wasnt able to give it to at your work:( Have a good day 2day!

It's a good thing that it is your wife and not me b/c that would would probably make me want to throw up. Man you are so weak and needy and cliny.....why would she want to go back to that? You think you are romancing her......you aren't! You are showing her how weak you are without her. You need to first detach and do all the things Michelle outlines and then later when the time is right....think about the romancing stage. This is not the right time and it is pushing her further away.

Then I bit later a song came on that she mentioned cause I said to W lastnight "dont think I dont think about it" in reference to how the things I have done. Texted her to tell her it was on but no response, think she has crawled into her shell, need to lay back and wait for contact. Thought I would be getting something about the D possibly being sick.

No, she has not crawled into her shell.....you are making her sick of you! My God, give the woman some breathing room. She walked away from you....rememeber?

One thing she keeps bringing up is how she is going back to school this fall. "Im going to better myself and make just as much if not more than you in a few years",

See? She has goals in her mind for her future and you don't seem to be a part of that.

ok thanks for bragging and trying to put me down I thought.

Well, you should have gotten the message and stopped.

Instead, you go on with this:

Guess maybe I should be more supportive of W when she talks about going back.

Look, I am going to copy and post which is a long list that I have given to a few people that simply have no clue what DB is all about--and you clearly do not. So, here it is and please start to work on it as soon as possible. You asked for help and this is the only way I know how to give it to you. It will be up to you to use it as a guide or not. I have the idea that you are a hard man to get through to and that you already think you know what is best and determined to go that route. However, I hope whatever program you are using...you will throw it away and use Michelle's.

1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore!
2. No frequent phone calls to him/her.......let him/her be the one
to call you. Then don't try to hang on to him/her through
conversation.....say good-bye first.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage or try to get him/her to
read marriage books, etc.
4. Do not follow him/her around the house like a puppy dog trying to
get his/her time and attention. (Remember, you are drawing him/her
back with this technique.)
5. Do not encourage talk about the future.
6. Do not ask for help from family members.
7. Do not ask for reassurances (That is showing neediness and
being clingy.)
8. Do not buy gifts. (Can't buy his/her love and affection.)
9. Do not schedule dates together. (That is pursuing.)
10.Do not spy on spouse. (Not good for you and will make
matters worse.)
11.Do not say "I Love You" (It is being "pushy" and trying to
make him/her say it too......he/she will despise you for it.)
12.Act as if you are moving on with your life!
13.Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive at all times!
14.Don't sit around waiting on your spouse – get busy, do
things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.
15.When at home with your spouse, (if you usually start the
conversation---then don't, wait for him/her) then, be scarce or
short on words. If he/she asks what's wrong....just
say "nothing". Keep it short and simple. Don't get into an
argument! Stay polite and don’ t act like you are pouting.
16.If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his/her
whereabouts, ASK NOTHING!! No matter what time he/she comes home!
17.You need to make your partner think that you have had an
awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to
move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18.Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait
to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he/she
will be missing. (But never ask him/her if he/she has noticed any
changes!!)
19.No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse
happiness and contentment. Show him/her someone he/she would want to
be around, somebody that is attractive and fun.
20.All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until
your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while)
21.Never lose your cool! Don't let him/her trap you into a fight.
22.Don't be overly enthusiastic b/c it will come across as fake.
23.Do not argue about how he/she feels (it only makes his/her feelings
more negative.)
24.Be patient......very, very patient. Give him/her space and time.
25.Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you
26.Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to
speak out (or scream and yell).
27.Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all
the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil)
28.Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly. Read self
help books, inspirational books or listen to tapes.
29.Know that if you can do 180's, your smallest CONSISTENT
actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say
or write.
30.Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting
more than ever and are desperate and needy
31.Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse
32.Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what
you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because
he/she is hurting and scared.
33.Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34.Do not backslide from your hard earned changes.

It's a long list, but very valuable. It may be late in the "game" of things to start implementing this guidline, but I don't think what you are doing is working.

Again, if I am mistaken about the material you are using, please tell me more about it b/c I have not heard of that book by Michelle.

If you do have her Divorce Busting or Divorce Remedy....please read it again and highlight the parts that apply to your stitch.

Sorry about the 2x4, but as I told others, I am speaking as an almost WAW from a 41 year M. I think I know what I am talking about here. People want what they think they can't have. Remember that, please. You are chasing her and it is not working. You will lose her. Please reconsider the game plan.

One more thing before I go.....in your posts, I often felt that your wife was playing you just for the money. It seemed very obvious to me, but I hope I'm wrong. She may be "trying" to go along with you in order to get money. Be careful and take care.

Sandi