I haven't contacted him for three days other than to 'crack' and call him on Wed night to hear the sound of his voice. He didn't sound pleased to hear from me so I went to bed feeling miserable.

I just want to be able to sit with my feelings and not try looking for external factors (eg h) to bump me back up to normal speed again. Where is that line between knowing how to self-care and genuinely needing some external propping up (ie having someone else show belief in you).

I kinda don't want to talk to him because I have to deal with the situation. It's me running away again.

He did finally call me this morning to remind me to get d7 to wish his mum Happy Birthday. He seemed a little surprised that I had already called her myself but I promised that I would get d7 to talk to her too. A few minutes later he called up again and wanted to know what was going on (with us). I was madly rushing around cos I was late for work and told him I didn't have time to talk about it right now and that I would call him later.

When I got on the train, I did call him. I managed to explain a little bit of why I had pulled away and that it had taken me close to a week to figure it out (hell, I'm still figuring it out). I tried to explain that some of what he said really hurt and revealed the 'nasty h' that I feared was still underlying all his trying new behaviours.


**
Purple

As soon as you trust yourself you will know how to live. Goethe