I haven't been here for over a month. i had Zoe on may 24 and she was perfectly healthy and just beautiful (though i may be biased )
I had a whole bunch of different little things, allergic reactions, infections... to deal with after delivery, but i'd do it all over again to have her.
H was so awesome while i was in the hospital and the couple days after i came home, but then it was the same old thing. Once i was able to move around after my incision healed a little more then it got worse. He's used to me doing everything and working, now that i'm home, he's convinced that everything needs to be perfect, you know, "since I'm just sitting around at home all day". Forget the fact that i just had major abdominal surgery, just had a baby and am now taking care of 3 little girls (one of which is breastfeeding and the others that are adjusting to having a new sister) and still keeping things cleaned and bills paid and dinner cooked every night. It's just not enough. I've decided that nothing will ever be enough for him.
I'm pretty much done. I know that i shouldn't be saying that here. i should be grateful that we are still married and that he's here and everything else, but i'm done feeling like this. I'm not leaving or anything, but i'm done trying so hard to make him happy. My life revolves around how he is feeling and i really have more going on than just that. He yells and screams and blames me for things and is just mean a lot of the time. I tell him and he tells me how he won't talk about it cause he doesn't want to fight with me. later that night or the next day, he'll apologize and tell me he didn't mean it. This is fine on occassion, but every day for the same thing is getting rediculous. His apologies have no meaning anymore.
I'm always frustrated and i don't even like being around him. When i tell him something he doesn't want to talk. He says i'm always trying to start a fight with him. Apparently, i'm not allowed to disagree with him anymore.
Just having had a baby, my body image is a little warped, if i ask him how i look, it's "you look just fine, don't worry about it" or "it's ok if you don't look good, you just had a baby" not that he even looks at me, but i suppose it doesn't matter.
One thing i will give him some credit for is that he is being better with the girls and that is what is keeping me here. I've been telling him when i feel uncomfortable with how he treats them and he gets mad at first cause i'm "telling him how i want him to raise his kids", but then later, he apologizes to them for screaming or spanking them for something stupid.
thanks for letting me vent some, i needed to get that out.
I hope you are all doing well. If anyone has advice for me that would be great. It's been just me sitting here thinking for the last month, so anyones opinion would be great!!
take care ann
If i can't fall in love... I'd like to fall in chocolate! ~ Author Unknown
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