Wife Filed And I Need Help With Busting ASAP

[Scott123]

SD,

The friend I was talking to was not an affair. She seriously is only a friend.
She is engaged and regardless of that we've never had any
kind of romantic feeling for each other. She's actually
like a sister.

When my wife told me months ago about an OM and her EA, I forgave
her and we made a mutual agreement to not seek support outside
of our marriage. I told her that I would even cut ties with my friend
and I did. It really sucked, but I did it anyway because I love
my wife. I have not talked to her since then. My
wife thinks I talk to her, but I honestly don't and have not
since we made that agreement with each other.

The support I was referring to was not really emotional on my part,
I'm talking about support with my health. She helped me stay
on track with my nutrition, did a lot of research with me,
helped with a mood/food log and helped me keep a positive
attitude and focus on getting healthy etc. She does not
even know about this last setback, like I said I have not
talked to her in a very long time. Even though it was not
the correct treatment, it still helped me on the road to
finding out the real problem.

--
After moving some more stuff out, my wife was clearly anxious
and annoyed. She was really being a total jerk to the girls too.
Nit picking and yelling at them for really no reason. I feel
really bad for them as they are the ones who are going to
suffer the most. I just keep telling them not to take it
personally and try to stay out of her hair as best they
can.

She asked me for money too since she pretty much emptied her
bank account. I just said do you need something? She said dog
food and some other stuff so i said i would grab them because
I was going out again and she got annoyed at that. She
basically wanted the cash. She just blurted "fine, but I'm
going to need money until I get paid" and I said I don't
have any on me, but we'll work something out.

I have no problem helping my family, paying bills and getting
what is needed. However, obviously I have a serious problem
with giving my wife any cash at all because of the gambling.
I can see this really getting her angry. Any advice on
that aspect? I don't even want to mention gambling because
she will literally fly of the handle and just attack me
about it and it will just be a major backslide. Even my
friends and family agreed that I should definitely not be the
one who says anything at all about the gambling for now. they
are still trying to figure out what to do in that regard. Right
now she has no money and I can see her mood really swinging
over the next couple of days because of that. The kids are going
to be in for a real storm.

Another thing - she knew I was moving all of this stuff today
as I had boxes and stuff all over the house. Right in the middle
of moving stuff she took the van pretty much ALL DAY running
all over the place. I hardly even moved anything because of
that. It's like she did it on purpose. Maybe because it's
starting to sink in that it's not going to be as easy as
she thought. I even called her and said I needed the van back
because I had a lot of stuff to move and she snapped and said
I have things to do and hung up. For someone who wanted me moved
out ASAP she sure isn't helping. (that's when she went to the
casino as I posted before my friend drove by and saw the car)

- Scott

[sgctxok]

Just be vague about the cash and don't give it to her, don't get into an argument about it.

[Scott123]

Arrggg... here's the thing now. She has the kids asking me for
money.

I'm almost moved out, just a couple small things to do and I
should be able to go either tonight or tomorrow. Most likely
tomorrow.

Things I've noticed over the last couple of days:

- She has lots of mood swings.
- yelling at the kids
- she keeps going through my stuff including my cellphone
- shes making it difficult for me to move by always taking the van
- she started smoking again!
- she's had migraine headaches last two days
- one minute she ignores me like I'm not even present and the next
she is hostile.
- she has been filling out job applications.
- been telling her for a while now that her van needs breaks,
oil change and an alignment. She just ignores it.
- shes not eating right at all, all total junk, soda all
day long and all empty calorie crap.

She has worked part time, but really she has not had to
work at all in the past. I've taken care of everything. I
think it is really starting to sink in now that she will
have to work a "full time" job now since I won't be here.

I've also learned that she has talked to family members in
the past and said I did not give her money and she was
struggling etc. which is 100% false. In fact, she has had
an account that she manages herself. I have not touched it
for years. There's always between several hundred dollars
to 1k being deposited in it from me for bills, household stuff
etc. Plus, I use other money for groceries, going out and
misc. stuff. There are lots of casino charges on her account
and she constantly has overdraft charges etc.

I said nothing to her about this and have no plans to, it just
hurt hearing that she was saying that to people. I'm only
guessing that she has said it out of guilt to try and cover/justify
her own actions and problem? I'm trying to focus on the
future and just let this past stuff go, but it is difficult.

I'm really wondering if she is having some kind of mid life crisis.

- Scott

[Bworl]

From what you've shared, I would not be thinking mid life crisis, but perhaps an addiction crisis. Sounds to me like she's about to crash and crash hard.

Are you ok with leaving the kids with her? It sounds like she's deteriorating rather rapidly if what you share is not overdramatized. I would keep a very close contact with the kids just to make sure they are taken care of if you're planning to leave them with her.

The two of you should have worked this all out already, prior to you leaving.


Custody and visitation.
Support from you financially.


Leaving is not as simple as just packing up and walking out. If she's in a mess and you're stable, the burden is on you to make sure this is done right. And if this gambling is truly becoming a significant issue, you better be damned sure that you've set something up money wise than ensures the money will be used for bills and necessities.


Again, you are the healthy one, so the burden is on YOU. You don't get to just walk away and pretend like everything is fine if you know it is not.


Bill

[Scott123]

Bill,

If anything I have UNDER-dramatized this. I agree, she is really
bad.

Her sister, our best friend, my parents and the older couple
we are friends with all know every detail and are trying to
figure out how we can help her.

I will be here off an on with the girls as much as I can.

I have no plans on walking away and pretending it never
happened. I'm not sure where you're going with that comment
or if you misinterpreted something I said. I love this
woman to death and the last thing I want to do is walk away
from her. It's really painful watching her go through this
and not being able to help.

For money, when she asks, which is going to be soon I am just
going to tell her flat out that she can come get me or I'll
come get her and we can go get what she needs and take care
of any bills. I will under no circumstances give her any cash
at all. I plan on just telling her that I've seen the bank
statements and see how much money was spent at the casino
and cannot give her cash. I won't attack her about it or
criticize, I'm just going to state the reason I cannot
give her cash and say nothing more about it. If she tries
to get into R talk or talk about the past I'll just
validate and backout of it so there's no backsliding.

I predict she will do one of two things. She will attack me
and try to start a fight, which I am prepared for or she
will break down, which I am also prepared for.

As far as visitation - shes agreed that I am welcome to
see the kids anytime. She has never tried to prevent
me from seeing them and I don't think she would. If she
did I would let L handle it.

Our friend already confronted her yesterday about how
she is being towards the kids. My wife was complaining
to her about how rotten they were being and acting out
to her, but friend basically said that she is over-blowing
it and they are not being anywhere near as bad as she
is making it out. She said YOU are the one that is
acting out and they are feeding off it. W simply
changed the subject. So it seems she is starting to
wake up to herself. Hopefully this awakening keeps
up.

I was packing up the very last of my things, stuff from
the bathroom, my vitamins etc. She was actually civil
to me tonight, but in a fake good mood which was strange.
I'm not going to read into it too much, but I got the
impression that she was also nervous, like it was
sinking in that this is probably not what she wants.

Our 10 year is coming up so I know that must be weighing
on her because we did have big plans for it.

I wish she would just reach out and ask me for help, but I
know she has to face up to this herself before she can get
any help.

I'm just going to take it day by day.

- Scott

[Scott123]

Last of the things are moved out, all I have left is to go
back and grab two bags of clothes. When I took this last
drive, she seemed really upset and it looked like she
was crying. I didnt say anything and just kept moving
my stuff.

When I go back in a bit to grab those two bags I'm going
to tell her that I'll be there for her to talk and lean
on anytime and if she needs anything all she has to do
is reach out and ask.

- Scott

[Scott123]

I'm moved out now in full. Before I left I told W that if
she needed to talk to someone, needed someone to listen to her
or someone to lean on that I'd be there for her any time and
all she had to do was reach out. Her only words were "I know
you will"

I said that while I was rubbing her back a bit and gave her
a brief squeeze and then left.

I have a surreal feeling now... like it was a bad dream, but
I guess that's expected.

Talked to the older couple today and they were shocked,
especially when I showed them the bank statements. They
really don't know what to do either. I actually found out
they lent her almost a grand not too long ago. Not much
of a surprise to me.

Well see what's in store tomorrow. I'm not sure if I'm going
to go dark now or not. I'll test things slowly.

- Scott

[Scott123]

Having doubts...

I've been out of communication and the house for two days. I have
talked to the girls, but not W.

To tell you the truth it really sucks bad. I miss her deeply
and I'm very uncomfortable away from home. I'm having doubts
on the future because of the following:

* She has "already filed" for divorce

* She was/is quite adamant that she wants a divorce and
nothing I say or do will change her mind.

* She won't listen to anyone that talks to her and just rejects
everyone and any logic.

* Possible affair. Don't know if she is having an EA or PA, but she might be.

* Has told all family and friends that she is getting divorced.
Even people we have not talked to in a while. I know this because
people have asked me "Hey I heard you are getting divorced" etc.

* She pretty much ignores me and does not want to talk to me
at all about anything.

* Seems to me she does not even want to be friends, which is
really crushing me.

* Gambling guilt is probably taking a huge toll on her internally
especially related to stress and our relationship. I think it's
too much for her to face and she would rather just turn her
back and run then face up to anything.

* She is 110% focused on past negativity and sees zero positives.

* She seems happy to be going out partying and could care less
about neglecting the kids or anything else. Unless it is just a
good front she puts on... I really cannot tell at this point.
Women are extremely good at hiding their real moods.


I'm not sure what to do now. So far I have been dark for two days,
but I'm not sure if that is the right choice.

Should I wait for her to contact me or should I try initiating
something? I want to somehow test the waters so to speak, but
don't know how.

My main concern or probably fear is that by continuing dark and
waiting too long that she will just drift further and further
away and possibly even look for EA or PA.

I'm wondering if staying dark will just help her validate that
the divorce is the right thing to do. Basically that she'll get
comfortable not having me around, which will just make trying to
work anything out almost impossible.

In some previous posts I mentioned that the house has a lot
of work left to do in terms of remodeling. I wonder if I should
just go over there and start working on some stuff. Not with
an intention of getting into some kind of R talk, but maybe
to get an idea on her mood and maybe to try and let her
see that my moods/actions are not just some short lived
phase. I mean the house needs to be finished regardless of
what is going on and she has zero money or skills to
do any of it. What do you guys think?

- Scott

[Scott123]

Uh, was talking to a friend this morning and he mentioned he saw
my W last night at the usual bar she goes to. She was dancing it
up having a blast and pretty drunk.

This is like non stop, she blows the weekends (friday & saturday)
out drinking and spends no time with the kids. I really have a
hard time understanding how she can just go and have so much
fun with all that is going on.

[craig54]

scott, i know this is hard, but your wife is lost. she is in a fog, she is in pain, partying and drinking are ways to not think about the situation. yes she has filed, my wife filed 6 months ago. that does not mean she will go through with it. please no r talk,give her space. be the rock for your kids. look deep within yourself, do you love her? if the answer is yes , read the dr book and start praying. this takes time and patience.there are guarantees. hard work.