Here’s my story, it’s seems a little different so I’ll be looking for some help. The main difference I see is that she has moved to her home country of New Zealand, so its not easy for her to see my changes, and another difference than the book is that we are very amicable and she states that I’m her best friend and that we will be friends for life. I’ll pose my current bigger questions first then give some background
I have been doing the LRT - being understanding but not chasing, crying or begging. When she asks, I say I am not angry, just sad that what we had is gone and sad when I think about the potential we had. I am practicing GAL and PMA and think I am doing pretty good. Pretty active, meeting people, and been working out. I don't go out of my way to say the great things I'm doing, but I will say "I thought about you when I went to" Napa, or camping, or rafting...etc. Or I say, "sorry I haven't gotten back to you sooner becasue I've been doing stuff most nights" etc....
My main questions right now are:
1. At first she was angry and wanted to get away from me and away from my influence(left 3-months ago), but now states that we are friends and hopes that I visit New Zealand (as friends) sometime. So when do I visit and under what conditions?
Some friends said I should go and show my love for her, but I know she’s not leaning toward getting back together and Michelle says not to drop the LRT and talk about the relationship until she is ready to come back. I believe if I try to persuade her now, she will still feel that I am trying to influence her. Also, what if she has a new boyfriend. She knows it would hurt me to hear about it, so I know she wouldn’t have told me about it. It would be hard on me if I went there and she had a new lover.
2. In e-mails, she tells me about her life and most of the time tells me how great things are and how great her life is. Currently, I let her initiate contact and when she talks about great things in her life, I show support for her and say that she is smart, or in shape, pretty, or whatever she is talking about, and I mean it. I don’t think I am gushing over her, just affirming what I think and what I think she would like to hear from me too. I am doing the right thing?
Background: W: turning 30 in Oct Me: 42 Dated since 1999 Married 2004 No kids 1 dog (that she loved and left behind) Bomb: Beginning of Feb 2008 She Left: March 10, 2008 (9 years together)
She truly is a great person and has tons of great qualities, but she had an abusive upbringing and moved every year or two the whole time growing up. Parents were divorced when she was around 8 and her step dad was depressed, suicidal, and abusive. She carries herself well, is smart, pretty, and seems mature for her age. There were three major issues for me. 1. One, she was very defensive so we couldn’t discuss relationship issues without a full blown fight. 2. I felt she wouldn’t be thinking of me in her actions day to day. 3. She seemed to have a negative outlook and was quick to blame others and get mad and hate others.
I am by no means perfect but believe in communication. I would truly suggest things to her (I would say “what do you think about….” or “do you think you should….”). Sometimes she would get really mad and say I was trying to “control” her, but in counseling, when I would suggest not giving any more suggestions, she would say that most of them were good and she wouldn’t want me to stop. After she left, she realized that what it really did was make her feel stupid as my way was usually better and she felt bad that I noticed she was doing something in not the best way and I guess wanted to feel proud in front of me. BTW, honestly, I never, ever once called her dumb, stupid, crazy or told her to “shut-up”. But she said the way I said things made her feel stupid. Also, I never ever hit her or ever threatened too. I don’t think she ever felt unsafe with me. I think my biggest fault was not showing enough appreciation and helping her to feel secure in our relationship (that we would stay together forever).
We met when she was just turning 21 and was 33. Again, she seemed mature for her age and she thought I was younger. We lived in San Francisco and literally spent everyday together. We did a lot of fun things together such as roller blading, camping, rafting, bar hopping, etc. She moved-in in less that a year. We saved money and after 3-years together, we quit our jobs and traveled for 2-years. After returning , we got married. She had stated that she got all her partying out of her whe she was youger (she started at 16) and didn't need it anymore. We would have bitter fights but knew we had so much in common. There were some doubts about getting married (together for 4-years), but everyone thought we were great for eachother. We moved to the suburbs, got real jobs and bought a house and got a dog.
There was never any thoughts of cheating and no wondering eyes. We started gottman counseling and our counselor thought we were great for eachother. We had all the majors inline/agreed (money, sex, religion, theory of raising kids), but just that we didn’t know how to argue and that she was unhappy overall and that I was unhappy how we couldn’t have discussion of the relationship and that she seemed self centered at times. Befroe she left, she told the counselor that 95% of the relationship was great, it was that just 5% was toxic to her. The counselor was floored and couldn't believe she was leaving.
She was unhappy with her work (she tried for 3-years but couldn’t get herself happy and she didn’t like the suburbs). Both were picked in preparation for kids. The job allowed flexibility and the area had great schools.
She gave the ultimatum to have kids now or she was leaving, so I checked with the counselor and he thought we were solid enough. I am very analytical and asked for time to think it over. She was going back to New Zealand for three weeks for a wedding and said I could wait till she returned to give her an answer. She thought the time apart would make me appreciate what I had and give me time to think. This was her first time back to NZ in 12 years. Well after only being gone one week, she e-mailed me to tell me that she wanted a separation as she knew we wouldn’t work. That I should have wanted kids without question and that she wanted to live in NZ and she thought I wouldn’t like it. This was all without waiting for my response. I carried on my thinking and reseach and aweek later said yes to children and yes to NZ. She said it was too late, that her mind was made up.
She came back for a month, we got along great and went on dates. At times she questioned her decision, but stated that if she went back on her decision, she would feel extra weak, and would feel useless and her self-esteem would be zilch. She packed what she wanted and she was gone. We hung out everyday while she was here, she said goodbye to friends and wanted me there, she asked me to take her to the airport, and we cried before she boarded the plane.
I say it was a perfect storm for her to leave becasue. 1. It was winter here and summer there 2. She went to one wedding and two bachelorette parties so she got to see and party with all her old friends. (now most of them have gone back to their normal life of jobs and spouses, not in party mode like they were when she was there) 3. Her first time back to NZ in 12 years 4. Her sister, who is her best friend and the only constant in her life the whole time has just moved back to NZ after being away for 4-years. 5. She was a realtor and the market had just fallen apart making her job really tough.
So her tone has changed since she left. In the first month or two, her tone was more angry and she stated many times how happy she was that she could do whatever she wanted whenever she wanted. She then changed over to just always saying how great her life is now (seemed like defending her decision). And just recently (third month) she has seemed sincere when asking how I am doing. But still hasn’t said anything positive about me or anything about the good times we had. Oh yea, I got the “I love you but I’m not in love with you”. I also got the “I always doubted whether we should be married but never had the guts to leave”. She has asked a few time about whether I am dating or not, but I don’t answer (I have dated a bit). She said it wouldn’t affect her at all, but I don’t know why she has asked multiple times. A month ago, she said she wasn’t dating, and stated that she didn’t want a boyfriend for at least a year so she could find herself.
Other facts. 1. We did couples counseling for about 2-years but she would never want to do the homework so I gave up trying 2. She did personal counseling for depression but it seemed like all they did was put her on meds and let her bitch, but whenever I asked what the plan was and what were their goals, she never gave me an answer 3. She hated being on meds and it made her depressed that she needed them 4. She stopped drinking as she usually had a good time, but was more depressed the next day. 5. She has stated that she likes hanging out with 30-year olds as opposed to most of my friends that are close to 40. She has been loving going to 30 th aprties instead of 40ths 6. She would rather be with someone who is 30 and they can make mistakes together 7. That she wants to wait to have kids but feels pressure to have kids now becasue of my age.
I feel for us to get back together and for the relationship to work: She: 1) would have to figure out that happiness comes from the inside and not the outside 2) to look at her role in things and not blame everything on everyone else 3) work for solutions rather than just try to defend her position. To try to understand my (and others) perspective 4) that you can't have everything, sometimes sacrafices are made (can't have me as a 30 year old).
Me: 1) Show appreciation of her. 2) Do not judge her and be compassionate 3) Give positive reinforcement 4) Make her feel secure in our relationship, that we will never ever split 5) Cut way back on suggestions. Be able to let her fail on her own and learn on her own.
Just wanted to reply, because I know what it's like when no one does. I think your wife just needs some time to think about what she's leaving behind. It's a big step to let her know that you're willing to move to NZ, she'll keep that in her mind once she's settled in. With all her friends settling into married life, she may not want to be the single friend.
DO NOT focus on what she would have to do to get back together. Not now. FIRST, you focus on what YOU have to do, because that's the only thing in your control. You've already figured out what you need to do...now do it. With no expectations!
Welcome here. We're a good place to bounce off ideas and get hugs.
Me 36 Husband 35 D5 S2 separated: 10/29/07-present Served divorce papers 1/22/09 "When the world gives out beneath your feet, it is time to learn how to fly."
Maybe you can just mention about visitng her. See what her reaction is on that. I'm pretty sure if she had a boyfriend, she would tell you BEFORE you come visit and find out on your own. Feel the waters and see what her moods are.
Me 36 Husband 35 D5 S2 separated: 10/29/07-present Served divorce papers 1/22/09 "When the world gives out beneath your feet, it is time to learn how to fly."
thanks for replying. she sent me a list of jokes by e-mail and I'm wondering if I should reply with a list?
also, when I told here I was reading the echrt tolle book and asked if she wanted me to send a copy, she said yes. that was a month ago and she hasn't mentioned it since. should I mention the new stuff I have read that I'm excited about?
Are you talking to her on a regular basis? I wouldn't send a list of jokes. It seems she was trying to lighten things up and see where you stand. You should send her the book that you told her you would. Attach a note saying, sorry it took me so long to send this out. Hope you enjoy it. Exactly WHAT other stuff are you reading? Anything that she might feel pressured by?
Me 36 Husband 35 D5 S2 separated: 10/29/07-present Served divorce papers 1/22/09 "When the world gives out beneath your feet, it is time to learn how to fly."
We were talking by Skype before I moved (6/1/08), but I haven't had interenet service, so I haven't been accessable. We have exchanged short e-mails, about once a week. She has checked in to see how I was doing, in another, she stated that she has remained friends with all her ex's (past boyfriends), and that I am still her "best friend" right now and she knows we will be friends for ever and that she "will always keep track" of me.
She just sent me another e-mail with a funny bilboard and said she "knew i would like it".
As for the book, I did send it a month ago, and she said she received it when it arrived, but hasn't discussed it since. I've also read "art of happiness", it's and interview with the Dalai Lama. Also, "Getting Unstuck" by Pema Chondron.
I don't think she would feel pressured toward geting back together, but one of the pressures she felt from me was always suggesting ways she could be happier (she sometimes had a negative outlook, and also got stressed and tense and I would try to give suggestions to change her frame of mind. Sometimes it would help and sometimes it would back fire and make things worse.)
Your w is hard to read! I don't know anything about those books, but if she feels pressured when you suggest ways she could be happy, I don't suggest you send the books. Send her this for a smile...
Me 36 Husband 35 D5 S2 separated: 10/29/07-present Served divorce papers 1/22/09 "When the world gives out beneath your feet, it is time to learn how to fly."
