Real life is----part 5

[SDFoundGirl]

Just one thought~Do you have a cell? Then why not get rid of the house phone? H and I have no landline as it seems a little redundant. That way if he wants to get the phone reconnected, it has to be in his name.

He is acting out like a child. Of course he's poking at you--you have set boundaries, and he is a spoiled baby who wants what he wants.

I wouldn't get sucked into the drama. If he tells you you're evil, it's, "I'm sorry you see it that way," and go to another room. If he says, "I don't have to sign the agreement," then you reply, "Yep, you absolutely don't have to. It's your choice." And again, walking out of the room as if you have not a care in the world.

He knows he's wrong, so he's got to try to prove his rightness. You aren't defacing his character, you are responding truthfully to questions about your situation.

Don't argue with him. He is embarrassed and ashamed, and he's dug himself a giant hole he doesn't know how to get out of. Best to treat him like a piece of lint.

Hang in there, and ENJOY Disney!

SD

[karen43]

He tells me that because I am telling everyone about what he did, I am "defacing his character" and I have "no right to do that. It is just as bad as what I have done." "Two wrongs don't make a right." Honestly, is it bad that I am telling anyone who asks that my H cheated on me and wants to be with the other woman and he won't leave the house? Don't I have the right to say that?
Sara

No, I don't think so. I think it wouldn't be good if you were just telling everybody without their asking or complete strangers or something, but if a friend asks you I don't see anything wrong with you telling the truth and not having to lie. (I have been doing that recently as well: telling the truth when friends ask me, so if that is evil or wrong, I guess we both are evil then.)

I think only a WAS would equate their cheating on you with you telling the truth. Obviously, that's crazy and something only a WAS would think or say! And he has made his own character, and if his behaviors and actions reflect poorly on him, that is his fault and not yours. Karen

[kat727]

It is funny, I have only begun to tell people that I am getting divorced. I don't offer it up by any means so I think people get that it wasn't my idea. It hurts me when people know before I even say anything, for example two ladies I am acquainted with and I were talking about this group we are involved in and I said I would be happy to help more but right now it is a little difficult with everything that has been going on. Yes, they said, we saw that in the paper.

kat

[Puppy Dog Tails]

H and I have this awful conversation. He tells me that because I am telling everyone about what he did, I am "defacing his character" and I have "no right to do that. It is just as bad as what I have done." "Two wrongs don't make a right." Honestly, is it bad that I am telling anyone who asks that my H cheated on me and wants to be with the other woman and he won't leave the house? Don't I have the right to say that?

Sara,

I suggest you say to him "I will no longer lie to cover up your affair," and leave it at that.

You should be fully honest with both families and close friends. Acquaintances, I would advise that you just say that "you're splitting up" or whatever, and not go into too much detail. If any of these people later ask you if what they heard was true, then tell them the truth.

Never separate an adulterer from the consequences of their adultery.

Puppy

[Starshyne]

Thanks everyone! I guess what he was ticked off about was that I had called the car insurance to get it split and explained to the insurance guy (who H has used since before we were married) that we were in the process of divorce. He said, oh I am sorry and I said, "well there is another woman." Because I want people to know that this all wasn't my doing or my choice. Well the conversation went on and he wanted to know H's address to send him his new bill. I then had to say how H hasn't moved out. The guy says, "Wow! What a jerk! First he runs off with another woman and then he expects to live in the same house as you?"

So in a way I am telling strangers, but I don't feel regret about it.

I got the mail thing worked out. I can put my mail on hold and have his still delivered. That way I won't be "breaking the law" and he won't have to "sue me" for withholding his mail. Geesh!

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Thanks everyone! I guess what he was ticked off about was that I had called the car insurance to get it split and explained to the insurance guy (who H has used since before we were married) that we were in the process of divorce. He said, oh I am sorry and I said, "well there is another woman." Because I want people to know that this all wasn't my doing or my choice. Well the conversation went on and he wanted to know H's address to send him his new bill. I then had to say how H hasn't moved out. The guy says, "Wow! What a jerk! First he runs off with another woman and then he expects to live in the same house as you?"

So in a way I am telling strangers, but I don't feel regret about it.

Sara, I would strongly advise against this. I did a LITTLE of it, and later regretted it when my wife and I reconciled, and now some people treat us strangely.

Plus, it just makes you look petty.

Keep the moral high ground here.

Just my 2 cents,

Puppy

[Starshyne]

I am very concerned about what people think of me. I know I shouldn't care but I do. I want people to know that HE cheated and not me. I know that I looked down on divorced people and wonder what the wife did in order to not be able to keep her marriage. When people wonder that about me, I want them to know that I was the hurt one and not him. There is no way in heck H and I are getting back together. He has made that crystal clear.

H has sunk to a new low in his stealing. He took a wine cooler. I know it is petty, but I paid $4 for a 4 pack. I only drink wine coolers once in a blue moon and I didn't even share one with my own mother! He knows this and he took one anyway. I knew I should have kept them over at my friend's house. Was planning on taking them over there the next time we had a movie night. I can't trust H with anything and it breaks me up inside.

[kerrysal]

starshyne,

I've been lurking here for a while...I was DB'ing for the last part of 06 & most of 07. My heart goes out to you and I feel deeply for what you are being put through. No, it's not fair to you at all. A little word to the wise on something...You have no idea where the path is going to lead you with your H. The shock and hitting rock bottom of losing you *just* may be the jolt for him to repair what he needs to within himself. Right now, you see no future because of his behavior. You are 100% justified in this as he has made his bed. Taking the high road shows you are the responsible one. People know. They can most likely take one look at you, then look at him..and the haggardness of all his sneaking around is clearly written on his face. You don't need to say a thing. And if people would 'judge' you for being divorced, they aren't much of a friend, are they? Take care of yourself, and be very careful w/your guy friend. Again, BTDT, and what makes it feel so good is this guy probably validates everything you are feeling ..he validates it in the most honest & raw way, he's been through it himself. BUT...that doesn't answer the questions of how you & H got to where you are...even though I see H at "most" of the fault, I know in my situation I had a fair share of blame to take too for not maintaining my marriage, not making it a priority and getting lost in life. Work on you. In previous posts, I saw how you were trying so hard to do things 'on your own'. Work on this...the more you engage yourself, the more you are going to surprise yourself at how wonderful you are, and how you are OK being alone for a while.

As I said, I've been reading and wanted to offer support. Your H is being childish and mean and I hope the comments he said to you (you're ugly, etc.) rolled right off your back. He is probably shocked you are taking a stand, you are in control and the only thing he can do is lash out at you like an immature child. His words mean nothing, being verbally abusive is all he can right now because he knows he's lost big time. If he doesn't sign the agreement, retain an attorney and file an immediate 'sole use of marital property' order and get his girly t-shirt wearing ass out of that house. It's time for him to face reality. I wish you the best and KNOW you will come out of this so strong. Good luck.

Kerry

[Puppy Dog Tails]

starshyne,

I've been lurking here for a while...I was DB'ing for the last part of 06 & most of 07. My heart goes out to you and I feel deeply for what you are being put through. No, it's not fair to you at all. A little word to the wise on something...You have no idea where the path is going to lead you with your H. The shock and hitting rock bottom of losing you *just* may be the jolt for him to repair what he needs to within himself. Right now, you see no future because of his behavior. You are 100% justified in this as he has made his bed. Taking the high road shows you are the responsible one. People know. They can most likely take one look at you, then look at him..and the haggardness of all his sneaking around is clearly written on his face. You don't need to say a thing. And if people would 'judge' you for being divorced, they aren't much of a friend, are they? Take care of yourself, and be very careful w/your guy friend. Again, BTDT, and what makes it feel so good is this guy probably validates everything you are feeling ..he validates it in the most honest & raw way, he's been through it himself. BUT...that doesn't answer the questions of how you & H got to where you are...even though I see H at "most" of the fault, I know in my situation I had a fair share of blame to take too for not maintaining my marriage, not making it a priority and getting lost in life. Work on you. In previous posts, I saw how you were trying so hard to do things 'on your own'. Work on this...the more you engage yourself, the more you are going to surprise yourself at how wonderful you are, and how you are OK being alone for a while.

As I said, I've been reading and wanted to offer support. Your H is being childish and mean and I hope the comments he said to you (you're ugly, etc.) rolled right off your back. He is probably shocked you are taking a stand, you are in control and the only thing he can do is lash out at you like an immature child. His words mean nothing, being verbally abusive is all he can right now because he knows he's lost big time. If he doesn't sign the agreement, retain an attorney and file an immediate 'sole use of marital property' order and get his girly t-shirt wearing ass out of that house. It's time for him to face reality. I wish you the best and KNOW you will come out of this so strong. Good luck.

Kerry

Kerry, that's great stuff. Couldn't agree more, and your "girly t-shirt" comment made me laugh my ass off this morning!

Puppy

[cat03]

hey sweets, hugs))))))))) you are dealing with a big baby right now (I think I'm insulting babies now). He's having a hissy fit so he comes up with stuff to try to hurt you (calling ugly,evil,etc), sort of like my d5 and s10 when they fight each other, a childish thing to do. I was told one day to rot in heck by stbx during a hissy fit, it passed. Don't give him fodder nor let him dump his internal garbage on you.

I agree with the land line thing, cut it. Keep your food at your friend's or in your room (can you padlock your room?) If he doesn't want to sign the agreement I believe he can be served and taken to court and he'll be fried there without a L since he has no $ for one.

It is true, all Ds are ugly, I've gone back and forth with stbx about stuff a few months ago, we'd have good talks, then we'd disagree and he'd threaten a bunch of stuff, it's bound to happen.

I haven't told my family my S is about him having an ow (that's not the whole reason but a big one) I decided not to spread the ugliness around and that it was too personal for everyone to be talking about it. It also helps you heal and put behind you all that crap he put you through, the few times I've talked to other people about my S I tear up, so I rather just keep it simply and let my wounds heal.

Take care hon)))))))