Officially Here Now

[mishka422]

I'm which you Chris. My M was certainly SS too. H and I working opposite schedules and never having time together along with his "man cave" really did in our sex life. If I had realized just how much damage it was doing then he probably wouldn't have turned to the OW. He also never initiated or even attempted to and never voiced his feelings on anything so I don't feel 100% responsible that I didn't make it a priority. A rewind button sure would be nice.

[klm]

Funny that you are both Chris.

You sound like you are doing a lot better. Glad you have some friends coming over Sunday. That will keep your mind off of it and help the time pass by quicker.

You have done a lot to the house! Has your H said anything about your painting or staining?

Good luck with your H tonight. To look on the bright side, he is making A LOT of effort to spend time with those girls. Seeing them every other day and all the driving. There is something to be said for that.

[7 Year Itch]

Absolutely Kris. And that is ONE thing in this that I am so very thankful for. I will always be so greatful that he is their Daddy. He is a very great and devoted one. HE is killing himself to see them, and it does mean the world to them and me.

I just wish the other part of that picture was if he'd work as hard to keep their family and parents together. HE keeps telling me things like.. "we will always be a family. IT'll just look different". I personally don't see that. I see that we will always be their parents. My family will be me and the girls, his family will be him and the girls, but I don't see all 4 of us as a family after a divorce.

Just a difference in the view of family between us I guess.

Chris

[7 Year Itch]

So I've been having some thoughts in my thread ,and through some other responses in journals today, and I decided to write a letter to H too. I've been inspired. This isn't the first letter I've written him, but I feel it's the most complete and to the point. Would love some input. Planning to give it to him as he leaves tonight, so he doesn't have to read it in front of me, and will be on his own to process it.

Here goes:

Dear Chris,

I write this with no expectations. Simply some realizations I’ve come to, and things I feel need to be said.

I know I hurt you. So deeply, so completely. Without malice, and through depression, but hurt you the same. It does not matter where it came from, you were hurt, and your pain is and was real. I am so very sorry for all I caused you. I pray one day you can find the peace that forgiveness offers.

I know that I too have had a hand in not upholding part of our marriage vows. I did not honor and cherish you the way you deserve the last 2 ½ years. Again, I realize it does not matter the reasons, what matters is you felt taken for granted, and unloved, and I realize the damage that did to your heart and soul. Again, I wish there were a bigger word for sorry, it seems so small compared to the regret I feel. But I am, and forever will be sorry. I am so sorry I was never aware of the deep pain you felt with issues in our marriage. I never would have wanted you to walk that alone. I’m sorry that my pain kept me from hearing yours. You were always there for me, and I’m sorry I let you down and could not be there for you when you needed me.

Perhaps I have made the mistake of making you feel that I NEED you, and need you only. Am I scared to be on my own, scared of trying to build a career at this point with the pressure of trying to keep this house? Am I scared of never having love again? Am I scared of you moving on? Am I scared for the girls and their adjustmen? The answer is YES to all of these things. But do I realize they are all possible, and that I’m a strong capable person, yes. The unknown is always scary, but the unknown is not what has driven me to fight for our marriage and for you.

The real point is, is that I WANT you. Want our family, want our marriage. Want that fun, and companionship, and partnership we have had. Want to restore your faith in me, and to restore your heart to a place of desire for us. You are desired, wanted and loved. And while I realize that most likely these words are coming too late, and I will live with that regret forever. It’s important for you to know that.

I thank you for loving me, and giving me two amazing little girls. I thank you for giving me a life that allowed me to raise them completely for the last several years. I thank you for your support and confidence in me that allowed me to try new things in this life, I might not have otherwise been able to experience. I thank you for things you introduced me too that I would not have probably experienced without you. I thank you for bringing me to the country, and converting this “suburban”girl. I thank you for sharing your amazing family with me, and those are truly things I will miss and cherish, not having that on my own. I thank you for always creating a place where I could feel safe and taken care of when the world came crashing. I thank you for coming into my life. And like a song once said……. “I could’ve missed the pain, but I’d have had to miss the dance” I don’t regret the dance at all. My love always.

Chris


I know, I know, probably shouldn't have written the love part, but I feel it. So thoughts?

Chris

[ms ladybug]

Take out the love part. Let me re-read it and get back to you.
It's almost too long, and too persuing.

[klm]

I don't know Chris. I know you want to get these things off your chest. I am just not sure that now is the time. I think the time for it is after you have already given him ample time to think.

I wrote my H a letter and MichelleLT did to....both with positive results....but both were after months of no R talk.

He will see this as pressure. Believe me I know where you are coming from, but remember you can't convince him of anything. He has to figure this out on his own as hard as that is to accept.

[ms ladybug]

I guess I need more info. What are his biggest complaints about the marriage? About you?
Did he feel respected as a man and a caretaker. Did you acknowlege to him that you appreciate that he risks his life to take care of his family (that was a biggie with my h. Not that he just provided for us, but that he put his life on the line for us)?
Does he appreciate your independance, or does he want to feel NEEDED?

Wanted to add that I to got good results from my letter, but timing is everything. He may see this as pressure, because you've been so weepy, and pressuring lately. He may see it as another attempt. Perhaps he needs to see you letting go a bit before a letter like this?

[7 Year Itch]

I know you guys are right. I probably do need to give more time before giving something like this. I think I just keep feeling those D papers hanging over my head ,and feel like I don't have time to wait.

I need a rewind button to go back and fix things, and a fast forward button to know what is going to happen. LOL

Chris

[klm]

Chris, I do know how you feel. But, you haven't given him time. You are still trying to convince him to see things your way.

Perhaps I have made the mistake of making you feel that I NEED you, and need you only. Am I scared to be on my own, scared of trying to build a career at this point with the pressure of trying to keep this house? Am I scared of never having love again? Am I scared of you moving on? Am I scared for the girls and their adjustmen? The answer is YES to all of these things. But do I realize they are all possible, and that I'm a strong capable person, yes.

He knows you feel all this, just let him think about it. SHOW him you are a stong capable person. He will start to believe it when you show him consistently for a while.

You already tried the letter once....remember?? Just try no R talk. Start with a day, then try a week. He needs to feel comfortable around you and if he is worried of a R talk or a letter everytime he sees you.....he may start avoiding you.

Like I said, there may be a time for the letter....I just don't think it is now. He hasn't had enough time.

[7 Year Itch]

You're right. I need to do more non R stuff. So so hard for me. Why can I not GET this concept? OK, so is seducing him out of the question? We are still ML at times, and I know it would pretty much a given (he's turned me down a couple times ,but not often). I still look for that closeness in anyway. Bad idea, or go with the flow?

Chris