Does a WAW want you to fight for them?

[sandi2]

I'm really glad that you responded. I hit you so hard that I was afraid you would not take it very well, but if that was my only shot, I wanted to make it count. I am not as cold hearted as I may have sounded, really, and I want to help any way that I can. Your anniversary will be a tough day if you focus on "that", so try to stay busy focusing on your D. (BTW, how old is she?) Just for the record, your W may be dreading the anniversary, concernced that you may want to do something "special" so I wouldn't be surpirsed if she did not try to have some type of prearranged plans made to avoid that. When you go to get the D, just try to be upbeat and polite as best you can. Don't ignore your W, like some men do by not looking them in their eyes,etc. Look at her and smile, but don't try to hug her or make any moves that would cause her to think you were trying for a kiss or anything like that. If she brings up the anniversary (which I doubt she will), but if she asks if you realize what date it is, be honest and just say "yes" I do. But, don't go off into saying anything else. If she wants to, that is fine, and just validate whatever she says. You, however, do not need to say anything about it. do not get into a R talk. Like I said, I think she will head any of that off if she is afraid you will do that. Just stay sweet but strong. In fact, why not make that your new motto.....sweet but strong!

Some LBH's have said that they get a non-romantic card to give their WAW's, but if people are S, I don't think a celebration of the wedding anniversary is approbriate. She is probably dreading the day, afraid of what you may get her or want from her, so it will be a relief when she discovers that you haven't done anything at all. And, it will get her attention....and that will be a plus for you. At first, she will be relieved....and that will cause her to relax...and that is good. Then when you don't call from the vacation, and wait for her to call....that will be good. When you say good-bye first.....that will be really good, and she will probably be surprised and think it is b/c you and D are busy with fun, etc. So, you will have to continue to do that with phone calls after you return. Tell yourself that each time you are able to be sweet but strong you have gained a tiny bit more ground. However, every time you backslide, you lose ground. That will give you determination to stay with it.

This is a perfectly good time to start the real detachment process while you are on vacation. I know that is the hardest thing for a LBS. You see, the WAW has already detached herself emotionally before she ever left the M. So, then you, the LBS, has the shock of her leaving, then beg her to stay and do all the wrong things to try to get her to come home and then finally realize that you have to detach.....and discover it is hard as nails to do it. Just keep looking at the finished picture of all of you back together again and it will give you the strength to do it. Stay busy....that is important. When you are tempted to make contact....come talk to us here on the board or just journal your thoughts down. When you need to ask questions, please do so before you leap into a situation you are not sure about.

Two words you will get sick of hearing is "time and patent" b/c she needs the time and you need the patient......and lots of it. Any LBS can tell you it takes lots of time and even more patient. But, in the end, it will be worth it. Please be realistic and understand that we aren't talking about a few weeks here. But if you know she is worth it.....you can wait it out and you can DB like the book instructs. You are only human and you will make mistakes from time to time, but you'll get better as you go alone.

I answered your first question in my post last time about "do WAW'S what their H's to fight for them", but I don't think I answered the last two questions that you asked on your first post, so please allow me to do the best I can to do that now.

Do you walk away just show your H what they lost hoping they will see and fight to get you back?

Quite honestly, the typical WAW does not walk away feeling that way. She has given up all hope of having the MR that she had always wanted. She feels that she has tried her best, and that her H will never change. She does not want to hurt her H, but at the same time, she does not feel in love with him any longer. It is her great over-whelming sadness and the need for freedom to get out of that environment that makes her walk away. B/c of her history with him and b/c she does care about him and the life and love they once shared, she will be emotional at times....and that is what confuses the LBH, b/c he sees it as meaning something else. He thinks she is sorry for leaving, but that is not it at all.

Are there sign I should be looking for from my WAW?

Not in the sense that I think you meant this question since you were talking about whether she was wanting you to fight for her or not. If you do the DB principles and pull back like she needs you to do now....and you work on you making any and all changes in self improvement, etc. like the book says....then down the road when she is convinced that you may be serious about these changes and that they are for life and not just a trick to get her to go back home.....you will see her start to warm toward you. In fact, she may even become more friendly and have a sene of being relaxed around you long before she is ready to make that final move......b/c of your changes. If you see those signs....it is good....very good. It's funny how we are....but when the LBS pulls back, the WAW moves in closer. But, give it some time before you actually see this happen. Remember, she will be a little leary at first....wondering what's up. BTW, you never, never tell her that is what you are doing!! You never tell her about the DR book or this board or any of that. Those are your tools. That is your game plan....not for her to know about.

As I said in my last post, I see your wife as being a classy lady. I doubt she would be rude or vulgar to you in front of others and I'm sure she does not want to get into arguments with you at all. She probably "endures" what you have done since the S simply b/c she is a lady of this quality. If I am wrong, you can tell me. But that is not to misunderstand her poise and classiness as some sign of "acceptance" of your actions.

So, have a good time with the daughter on your vacation. Maybe after D has gone to bed, you can freshen up on the DR book. You probably were in so much pain when you read it the first time that you did not process it well. So, give it another go.

I have seen men that started out just like you and finally "got it" and started doing the DB the right way and it paid off. So, don't give up. The book doesn't come with a promise that your wife will return home again, but I can almost promise you she won't if you don't go by the book.

At first, she will enjoy her freedom and the fact that you have back off and are leaving her in peace. But, I believe that when she starts to see some real changes, it will get her attention, and the attraction for you will be renewed and her desire will start to stir......and then it is only an amount of time before she will be wanting to try again. If you don't think you can be the man you were when she married you....then become the man she can fall in love with afresh. Okay? If a man wants a woman badly enough....he can do it.

Take care,
Sandi