I have to laugh sometimes. We all just look for what we want to hear, don't we? We take everyone's advice, and then go with the one that we like to hear the most. I am the same way. Just interesting, anyway. Not that it is wrong. Just interesting.
I think it's interesting how many people base their advice on thier own experiences rather than carefully reading the words of the introductory posts, asking questions, and then tailoring the advice accordingly.
Why would he "want" to be advised to do what he feared the most?
And why, pray tell, would he "want" to hear that he should do what is uncomfortable, namely face issues within himself, rather than keep doing more of the same thing that caused the last "relapse" in the relationship they'd worked so hard to build in MC?
This is a couple who have never cheated on each other. I know, I know, I can hear what some of you are thinking: "That he KNOWS about." Guys. You're hurting. I've been there. But ya gotta believe not everyone, given the opportunity, cheats! Come on. I know there are great techniques and advice givers for those that want transparency and boundries in sitches where a spouse that has cheated wants to help you heal-- and in some circumstances is the only way to begin. But that's for YOU. If you had the chance to make sure your spouse never felt like that in the first place, wouldn't that be the best way to go? Lots of us have/had jobs that put us in much more "red flag waving" situations, PawPaw included (I too was in a band), and didn't cheat on our spouses.
When you are afraid (jealous/insecure) it is VERY hard to admit. What is hard is learning no one, ever, can "affair proof" a marriage by taking away your spouse's joy and that an affair is the symptom of something else that is really wrong.
It is harder still to let go of any control until you realize we never had any control (and don't want it) over a spouse's actions in the first place. What is a promise good for if no one believes in them anymore?
I wasn't trying to start an argument here. Just stating what I felt I was seeing. I heard him say their marriage was rocky, and she was going out with divorced friends, dancing with guys, and he didn't like it. I have done SOOOOOO much reading about this, and the books/research shows that usually those ill feelings are founded in some way or another. He came to an infidelity/extramarital affairs/jealousy forum and asked a question. We gave him our answers based upon what we know and our experiences. Nobody is right here. I merely pointed out that one usually goes with the answer that they like the best. I knew from his post the first time that that is what he wanted to hear. Nothing wrong with that at all. Who knows who is "right". We don't know this man and woman. You supported him, and that may be exactly what he needed. I was just making an observation. Wasn't trying to start anything. Really.
I was referring to the fact that he got some "WARNING! RED FLAG! INAPPROPRIATE!" advice, and he got some "don't worry about it -- lighten up" advice, and he liked the easier path. Most do; that was my point.
I do think it's instructive that both WAS and BS agreed that his wife's behavior, at best, was inappropriate and making her husband uncomfortable, and -- at worst -- was something perhaps more.
I do think we all carry strong biases toward our own sitches, and especially toward what has worked for us. That's natural. Hopefully, we do all try to read what's posted, and be as objective as we possibly can. The recipient, of course, is alway free to use or discard as they wish, and as it should be.
