Today I feel like I can not continue with this marriage. I really waffle between my desire to honor my commitments and my need for self preservation.
Girl, I know where you are. I feel the same. I don't waffle but do know where mine is heading. What will be will be.
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Why do I want to work so hard for someone to love me?
We all want what we see true love to be. What we see in movies. I always imagined true love being what you see in a movie..The little old man holding the old ladies hand walking in the park..the old man holding the door open for the little old lady..still kissing and hugging at 90 years old..that's why and what we want. Someone to care about us when no one else does.
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Is there no magic bullet that can extinguish the love for my husband and the disgust for the OW? Is there no pill that can make me apathetic? Why do I care? Why am I fearful?
There is no pill, no magic bullet. You care because you love him. Your fearful of going on alone..I am too. I want someone to love me. I want to grow old with someone.
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I just feel extremely hostile and volatile today. I (lightly) slammed a door (yes, it's possible to lightly slam a door!) this morning at home, pretending it was an accident. I know, I'm emotionally immature, but it made me feel a tiny bit better and allowed me to hold my tongue.
Anger and hostility, I know them well. It's all natural. Better to slam a door than to let it manifest itself on something else.
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In real life, I seem very much my normal self today. I'm so grateful to have this forum to unleash all the ugliness inside of me. I'm determined to take the high road. I'm determined to never allow my emotions to dictate my actions again.
All good things. Taking the high road always keeps you out of the mud..
Hey Girlie, what type of friends would we be if we "skipped" the downer posts. Sheesh !!! We love you no matter how your attitude is ! I for one totally understand fickle. One day I want it to work, the next day, I'm done, ugh, it's too exhausting. Course that was a really long time ago, like a few weeks ago. lol
If only there were a magic pill. I'd personally deliver yours.
You think lightly slamming a door is emotionally immature. lmao Slam away darlin'. I wrote the book on emotionally immature & that's not in there.
I think "this" is as real as it gets. I care more about you guys than some people I've known for years & years.
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
Hola, Karen. "He" is very much a "she"! And she is a smart cookie for sure. ;-)
Thanks for more love, ya'll. It really helps when I'm feeling so alone. I'm very happy this is real. It feels real, but I've not experienced this before and things are so confusing right now. I've been really sad today, but I'm thinking some of it has to do with PMS (sorry guys).
I'm exhausted today.
Gypsy, I'm working on a list. Just not in much of a mood to "do work".
Hugs*Hugs*Hugs
M: 37 H: 36 Married: Aug 13, 2004 Decision to Divorce: July 20, 2008 Reconciled: September 2008 Current: Ambivalence
Hola, Karen. "He" is very much a "she"! And she is a smart cookie for sure. ;-)
Sorry, smartcookie!!! And I should have figure that out b/c that is kind of a girly name, too!!! I guess I've lost some IQ points lately!
So sorry you're having a bad day, Girl, but at least the one consolation of PMS (sorry again guys) is that it only lasts a day or so usually and then gets better??? When I was in college I broke up with my bf (of over a year) one day I felt so cranky and then the next day I realized it was PMS (sorry again), and I actually called him up and said never mind, I had PMS yesterday and he totally understood (luckily he had a sister) and we went on like nothing happened! I finally started paying attention to that kind of stuff so I would know what was going on and not do stupid stuff like that again; but still get cranky and sad of course!!! Karen
Hey Girlie, just stopping by to give you more love. xoxoxo
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
Write down what bothers you.. sets off what my brother calls the "bullshit meter"..
I've been working on this, Gypsy. My bullshit meter went on overdrive and I'm pretty close to making a decision to end my marriage.
When my husband and I had our last relationship talk, I asked him how OW responded when he told her all that B.S. about me being disgusted by children, etc. His answer was "I can't remember." I gave him plenty of time to think about it and to let me know what she said. He refused. He protects HER and doesn't protect me AT ALL.
I don't want to be married to this man.
I have to get out of here... go hiking or to the beach. I need a respite. I feel like a heavy weight is on my chest. I hate this.
It HURTS.
M: 37 H: 36 Married: Aug 13, 2004 Decision to Divorce: July 20, 2008 Reconciled: September 2008 Current: Ambivalence
Hey Girlie, if you can, go to the beach. Sit. Take in the fresh air & the magnitude of the ocean. Just be in that moment. You don't have to decide anything TODAY. Just take care of YOU. You are all that matters today. You're valuable & special. Things will get better.
xoxoxo
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
Karen
And I should have figure that out b/c that is kind of a girly name, too!!! I guess I've lost some IQ points lately!