Officially Here Now

[7 Year Itch]

So I've been having some thoughts in my thread ,and through some other responses in journals today, and I decided to write a letter to H too. I've been inspired. This isn't the first letter I've written him, but I feel it's the most complete and to the point. Would love some input. Planning to give it to him as he leaves tonight, so he doesn't have to read it in front of me, and will be on his own to process it.

Here goes:

Dear Chris,

I write this with no expectations. Simply some realizations I’ve come to, and things I feel need to be said.

I know I hurt you. So deeply, so completely. Without malice, and through depression, but hurt you the same. It does not matter where it came from, you were hurt, and your pain is and was real. I am so very sorry for all I caused you. I pray one day you can find the peace that forgiveness offers.

I know that I too have had a hand in not upholding part of our marriage vows. I did not honor and cherish you the way you deserve the last 2 ½ years. Again, I realize it does not matter the reasons, what matters is you felt taken for granted, and unloved, and I realize the damage that did to your heart and soul. Again, I wish there were a bigger word for sorry, it seems so small compared to the regret I feel. But I am, and forever will be sorry. I am so sorry I was never aware of the deep pain you felt with issues in our marriage. I never would have wanted you to walk that alone. I’m sorry that my pain kept me from hearing yours. You were always there for me, and I’m sorry I let you down and could not be there for you when you needed me.

Perhaps I have made the mistake of making you feel that I NEED you, and need you only. Am I scared to be on my own, scared of trying to build a career at this point with the pressure of trying to keep this house? Am I scared of never having love again? Am I scared of you moving on? Am I scared for the girls and their adjustmen? The answer is YES to all of these things. But do I realize they are all possible, and that I’m a strong capable person, yes. The unknown is always scary, but the unknown is not what has driven me to fight for our marriage and for you.

The real point is, is that I WANT you. Want our family, want our marriage. Want that fun, and companionship, and partnership we have had. Want to restore your faith in me, and to restore your heart to a place of desire for us. You are desired, wanted and loved. And while I realize that most likely these words are coming too late, and I will live with that regret forever. It’s important for you to know that.

I thank you for loving me, and giving me two amazing little girls. I thank you for giving me a life that allowed me to raise them completely for the last several years. I thank you for your support and confidence in me that allowed me to try new things in this life, I might not have otherwise been able to experience. I thank you for things you introduced me too that I would not have probably experienced without you. I thank you for bringing me to the country, and converting this “suburban”girl. I thank you for sharing your amazing family with me, and those are truly things I will miss and cherish, not having that on my own. I thank you for always creating a place where I could feel safe and taken care of when the world came crashing. I thank you for coming into my life. And like a song once said……. “I could’ve missed the pain, but I’d have had to miss the dance” I don’t regret the dance at all. My love always.

Chris


I know, I know, probably shouldn't have written the love part, but I feel it. So thoughts?

Chris