Withdrawal of OM and coping

[Hope4us]

Jeff, Kat, and h4u, thank you. Ok, just keep trudging along here. Hope, I was reading a lot of your threads. I want to thank you for sharing your story because I see more of my H's side as he goes through this with me. I see how he may be feeling as we work on this. He doesn't share his feelings so much, and really focuses his energy on me and how to help us, but I'm sure he has the anger that you have as well. It's a good reminder for me to hear this. It keeps me grounded a bit.

Patience, time, time, time, time, patience, determination, time, time, time, ........

I've learned a lot reading your story also. And although we've had a very passionate marriage until not too awful long ago, going through this has taught me a lot. No one would ever question how much I love my WW. And I showed that love by buying her anything she wanted and doing everything for her. Got her flowers a couple times a month. Did most of the housework in addition to the "manly" work. We went on multiple vacations per year, at least two of which was just us. Bought her a very big past, present, future diamond ring for our 20th anniversary a few years ago. Worked and worked to climb the corporate ladder so I could buy her the big house she always wanted and could give our kids the best advantages growing up they could have. But I know now, I wasn't showing her love in the ways she wanted/needed. And I'm paying for my short sightedness. Not that I'm taking responsibility for her affair. Far from it. But I'm taking responsibility for my portion of the condition of our marriage that made the affair possible.

So what does all this mean???? It means we've got to rebuild our marriage. We've got to learn to really pay attention to each other. And once that foundation is laid, our marriage can be better than ever. But it will take time.

I was talking to a friend of mine Tuesday. I told him that I was frustrated by how long this is taking (which it really isn't, but I'm impatient) and he said, "think of it this way. When you start a new relationship you start with no ill feelings, no baggage etc with the other person and everything goes up. With what has happened in your marriage you're starting way in the hole and it will take a while to get to the normal starting point before you can really move forward". And he's right.

So, in your sitch and mine it's going to take a while because the first thing that needs to happen is you have to get past the WD from the OM. Only once that's happened can you (and my WW) begin to see anything your H does in a positive light. So it just takes time. Time for those OM feelings to fade and time for your feelings to rekindle for your H.

Again, can't promise you'll make it in the end, but trading your H in for OM without giving H a real chance is just trading one set of problems for another. And I guarantee there are problems with OM. You just didn't see them because you were in the honeymoon phase with him.

You've said many times that besides that "it" feeling with your H, he's got everything you could want. I say, work on those things and you very well could get those "it" feelings with him. But it won't happen before you get over OM, which takes TIME.