A continuation of the Friday call where my wife told me about a potential personnel problem in Australia which was one of her big stressors. Sadly my wife had to let her right hand employee in AU go over the weekend. This spiraled to a point she had to cancel her trip to AU with the girls that was supposed to begin the 29th. Because of the personnel issues and office fiasco she flew to AU on Tuesday and returns next Wednesday.
We talked a number of times over the weekend and Monday about the schedule and such. She has been really stressed by all the recent events and having to change plans so drastically. She also told me she was angry about how this employee failed to see her actions would impact a lot of people in the office, in the company and outside of both. So in the interest of doing the right thing, I changed my plans for this weekend and the 4th. This means the girls are with me this week and next too. I also agreed to take the dog since she was having trouble finding housing for the dog on short notice.(Yes I love her dog and the dog loves me.) In all of this, if I have heard "thank you" once I've heard it dozens of times. She really appreciates my flexibility and willingness to step-in.
I took this as an opportunity to talk with the girls about "doing the right thing." Sure I could have told her no a number of times and been within my rights given we are now "living separate and apart." But would saying no really been the right thing to do? I don't think so. The girls really understand how I've had to change all of my plans to accommodate my wife's change and how being flexible has been a positive for all involved. They also observed keenly, "well if you weren't nice there'd be no chance Mommy would want to get back together." True, very true and I told them that hadn't entered my mind(and it hadn't), it wasn't a reason for me to do the right thing. But they were right, if I were not nice of helpful about all of this, it definitely wouldn't help matters. I also told them its things like that which can't be considered because it means I would be trying to manipulate things for me to get what I want and that's selfish and not very nice either. In the end they are glad I was flexible because we get more time together and as D11 put it, "Mrs. Catfan's dog gets to be with us too and she LOVES you Daddy." (It's true, the dog gets extremely excited when she sees me. She doesn't do this when she sees other people. I love this silly dog!)
So here's something that is really bothering me. I'm a member of a local divorce/separation support group. Several of my very good friends in the group have criticized me over being so flexible. I've had a few other non-divorce friends do the same. It's really bothering me and honestly alienated me a bit. What is so wrong in being flexible with my wife who by all accounts has really shown lesser concern for me and greater and greater distance between us? Sure a lot of her actions seem to say she no longer views me as her husband and views us as truly not married. But dang our kids are involved in this situation and being positive and flexible now makes everything a lot easier on all of us even if it means we end up divorced? I mean come on if I wasn't cooperative what would have been gained? All I see by being uncooperative was a reintroduction of resentment, bitterness, anger and all those other negative feelings. Don't need that!
If we really want to love, we must learn how to forgive. - Mother Theresa
