2008 = Crazy Year (Still)

[lost_in_space]

Should also add - the more I stated my position and disagreed with hers, she said the more she was convinced that she was right in her decision.

[Hope4us]

Again, not saying you'll make it, but I think this is good. She's realizing that you're standing up for yourself and it sounds like she doesn't like that she's not calling the shots anymore.

She doesn't like it that you're fighting for the marriage and her perfect little plan isn't going the way she wants it to go. Waywards think they can have a happy little divorce and YOU'LL be ok when she shows up at family funcitons with OM on her arm. Let her see that it won't be that way. Has a way of injecting reality into the fantasy.

And if she is dead set on this and you don't make it, you'll be the winner. Because you're here and are learning about yourself and relationships.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Well, the big discussion happened tonight. WW convinced she wants D. Asked if I would go to a C to help us work out the details as adults. I said no, my position hasn't changed (see above). Had to say this a few times.

Well we ended up talking for 90 minutes. I validated her feelings, had to express mine on a few things (like how I could not D with kids as I feared it would really impact them). Of course near the end she was taking my justifications for my feelings and turning them into me attacking her and making her feel guilty.

Anyway, she said she doesn't want to work on R. I said I hear you, sorry you feel that way. I, however, cannot agree without turning over every stone to try and make this work. Again, I do not want D. She then said but you will have to accept it to which I said we will each do what we have to.

She got angry with me not agreeing to work with C. I said why, just cause I do not agree and have the balls to stand up for what I believe? Made her more angry.

Anyway that is where we left it. Not sure what will come tomorrow.

Lost,

You handled this beautifully. Phenomenal job!!

I know it hurts, and it's scary as hell to hear the "D-word" actually coming freely out of both of your mouths for the first time.

Now that you've had this talk, unless there's some new, and I mean KEY information, you should really try to refrain from ANY further relationship or D talks. SHE WILL PRESS YOU FOR THEM, trust me. Your recalcitrance will drive her batty, and she's going to keep saying "I can't keep living like this." Your response needs to continue to be "Well you do what you feel you need to do; I don't want a divorce."

If this is what she wants, there's nothing that says you have to make it easy on her.

Puppy

[Puppy Dog Tails]

btw, why would she want to go to a C to discuss a D? Wouldn't that be best left for the Ls?

Remember:

"There's really only two things to discuss, dear -- our relationship, or our divorce. The latter is best handled by the attorneys, and there's no sense in discussing the former as long as one of us is having an affair."

[lost_in_space]

Thanks for the comments. Really can use some positive thoughts this morning.

I think she thinks C to see how we would best handle K's if an amicable split happened. Sorry, can't go there.

Got all of the lines about how I am incapable of meeting what she needs - may have slipped a bit but I disagreed and said with help you never know what is possible.

Funny, but as soon as I disagreed I was labelled as "all mighty" and that I "must have it my way which is the only way that is right". Then was told that I didn't value her opinion here. I said why, because I do not agree? Response - yes. Sheesh.

Anyway, I am rambling / venting / etc. Not sure what I will accomplish at work, but need to go in (although I would rather stay in bed).

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Thanks for the comments. Really can use some positive thoughts this morning.

I think she thinks C to see how we would best handle K's if an amicable split happened. Sorry, can't go there.

Got all of the lines about how I am incapable of meeting what she needs - may have slipped a bit but I disagreed and said with help you never know what is possible.

Funny, but as soon as I disagreed I was labelled as "all mighty" and that I "must have it my way which is the only way that is right". Then was told that I didn't value her opinion here. I said why, because I do not agree? Response - yes. Sheesh.

Anyway, I am rambling / venting / etc. Not sure what I will accomplish at work, but need to go in (although I would rather stay in bed).

. . . which is pretty much why you don't want to get into anymore 90-minute relationship talks with her anytime soon.

"I'm sorry you feel that way" or "I understand" answers should be your stock in trade right now.

DO assure her (but only once or twice -- don't keep harping on it) that you are willing to put ANY AND ALL ISSUES on the table, including yours, if and when she ends her affair and returns to work on the marriage. She needs to get a strong sense from you of "Oh, I fully realize that you have grievances against me, and I AM willing to address them. But first you have to end your affair."

Puppy

[lost_in_space]

Puppy,

The more coffee I have, the more I am recalling. I did say last night that I believe we had a broken R that needed not to be repaired, because we both had areas we were not happy with, but rebuilt to something we wanted. So she knows, or at least I put it out there, that both sides had issues to deal with.

The day is dragging soooooooooooooooo slooooooooooooooow.

[lost_in_space]

One more thing (I should get these all in one post). WW asked if I wanted to be in a R with someone who didn't love me? Is this typical script as well?

[Puppy Dog Tails]

One more thing (I should get these all in one post). WW asked if I wanted to be in a R with someone who didn't love me? Is this typical script as well?

Yep.

My wife actually said I made her "physically sick to her stomach" at one point.

SCRIPT.

A good answer would be "I took my vows seriously" or "I understand that's how you feel RIGHT NOW, but I still don't want a divorce".

[lost_in_space]

Wow I must be learning something

I actually did say "I took my vows seriously and I said for better or worse, til death do us part".

Interesting sidenote. She asked last night what my plans were this weekend. I said going to the lake (to her parents' cabin with rest of her family there).
She said "But that is my family".
My reply: "I am going to the lake"
WW: but i am going to tell everyone what is going on.
Me: good, I will be at the lake as well.

We will see what happens before Sat morning.