JWS, that's great you are learning what works and what doesn't. It is the hardest thing to let go... you know I struggle from my thread... but keep going with what works and be prepared to refine your technique by keeping your eyes open to her reactions. Keep updating, I am really willing this week to go well for you!
I hate that it is so hard for me to let her go and so easy for her to let me go.
I had thought this quite a bit as well. My W would talk about the sep like she was making a grocery list.....it would always make my jaw drop. I couldn't believe she could talk so casually about something that was devestating me so much. But don't believe for a second that this is easy on her, she has either mourned for quite some time as a lot of WAW's do or she just will not show it to you. Don't expect to see it you most likely won't.
If it was me I would continue to be her friend. Help her get set up in her apartmanet after you separate things etc. There are plenty of "manly" type things that come along with moving (hanging pictures, moving furniture, killing bugs, etc).
Have you ever mentioned to your W that you were thinking about getting out of the military? If not let that into some conversation. It might help to start the conversation with something like "What type of law do you want to get into following law school" Let her talk then say something like "I am thinking about getting out of the military and pursuiting a career in xyz" and then tell the reasons YOU want to get out for YOU (Stable environment, not being a servant, etc). Whatever you do don't fall into any trap and say something about it being better for the two of you, she will know that and doesn't need to be told, if you tell her then you only make it same like you are doing it only for her which will make you feel desparate.
Hope the remainder of the week goes well
TwinDad Me 39, W 36, M 11 W - MLC, WAW???? 2 Kids B/G 3 YRS Old Start of the Long and Bumpy Road..... On the verge of piecing.....a new beginning
we have had talks about getting out before. lately i have been doing just what you said above, instead of saying i want to get out, i have been saying I would like to be this, or that. that is still a few years off so either way we have to struggle through that I just want her to know it won't be a life time thing, witch we bother assumed it would be in college.
I came from a family that talked about every thing so it just seems natural to tell her everything i feel and want to do, but her family never said a word. they just interacted without talking but I guess there actions spoke for them self’s.
yesterday was great when i let my actions speak for them self, I even got a hug, and thank you for helping with all the apartment and school stuff.
it strange but the part where she was gone for so long and i only could work on my self was a bit easier because if i messed up she could not see that. I like what you said about having limited time to see her so make it good. Once she is all moved in the ball is totally in her court and who knows when i will see her. I am anticipating her going silent again for a while while she adjust to all the newness down there but hope she will share bits of info about school and not just call for money or support.
Me 27, W26 T-12 M-4 SEP 4/29/08 Holding 250 miles Awaiting Support Current
Once she is all moved in the ball is totally in her court and who knows when i will see her. I am anticipating her going silent again for a while while she adjust to all the newness down there but hope she will share bits of info about school and not just call for money or support
JWS, "Act as if", play it by ear, but it sounds like you two are rebuilding your friendship. If after she moves in, I wouldn't think too much about checking in with her a few days later.....no R talk just stuff like how is the apartment/school etc....talk to her about her classes etc. You will be able to tell by her tone if she is enjoying talking to you.
It is good that she knows the military isn't a permanent choice, it will give her much more hope in her dreams together with you.
TwinDad Me 39, W 36, M 11 W - MLC, WAW???? 2 Kids B/G 3 YRS Old Start of the Long and Bumpy Road..... On the verge of piecing.....a new beginning
Well so far it is going ok. I have laid off trying to talk. I feels like we are just two strangers sorting through someone elses house. It has gotten to me several times and I have had to leave. I went to a funny movie by myself and out to eat with friends. Yesterday I only saw her for about 5 hours it was all I could stand. I know weeks ago I would have killed just to be by her and in a few weeks I may regret wasting these moments. However if I can’t be a strong happy guy I don’t want to see her and every timei look at this woman and don’t see my wife another part of me dies. she is my best friend and that part is going well but I would go nuts trapped withay friend for days not talking and packing away memories. I hope that I doing things right by leaving the house. I am not sure if she wants me saround or not. Every time I leave she either plays her game or watches tv until I get back. I have offerred for her to come just as a fun break to packing but she says no.
I wish I could stay constant on one emotion. The otherday I was a peace. But I keep bouncing back and forth from anger to hurt to scared and everything in between not to mention lust. All of witch seem overwhelming right now.
Well back to packing. I get my palce tonight. Not sure weather to say there or at theold house with her??
Me 27, W26 T-12 M-4 SEP 4/29/08 Holding 250 miles Awaiting Support Current
It could be she needed the break as well from you and the memories to be sad. Although she may not show it....this is likely not easy for her as well.
Quote:
I wish I could stay constant on one emotion. The otherday I was a peace. But I keep bouncing back and forth from anger to hurt to scared and everything in between not to mention lust. All of witch seem overwhelming right now.
This is very normal. In the early days leading up to my sep, I went from very intense anger for her saying she didn't want to work it out despite the kids, to intense (I mean very intense) sadness and guilt for the things I have done wrong and the apparent loss of a friend, to empowerment (after reading DB).
As far as where to stay play it by ear, allow her to set this boundary and respect it. It could very well be that her mouth says one thing (stay at your place) but she might be showing sadness which says another. I would respect what she says under this circumstance, anything else would just make her defensive
TwinDad Me 39, W 36, M 11 W - MLC, WAW???? 2 Kids B/G 3 YRS Old Start of the Long and Bumpy Road..... On the verge of piecing.....a new beginning
