That is a great exchange. He almost seemed defensive about working on it....like he wants this. Looks like you have some celbrating plans to put together, perhaps putting that nice gift certificate to a restaurant to work.
I thought you handled the lawn thing very well also.
I would probably get him something very thoughtful for him for the Anniversary, not anything mushy but something to do with stuff that he loves to do....at least that is what I would do.
It is also like he is looking for you to be positive about your M. Add that to your todo list. You have a lot of reasons to be positive, things are heading in the right direction. He may withdraw a little bit from time to time....don't lket this de-rail you. Sometimes we take one step backwards to go 2 steps forward.
TwinDad Me 39, W 36, M 11 W - MLC, WAW???? 2 Kids B/G 3 YRS Old Start of the Long and Bumpy Road..... On the verge of piecing.....a new beginning
I totally hear you on the "he changes his mind daily" just remember the whole rule here about not listening to anything they say, and only believe half of what they do. I try to remind myself of that often especially as I get mixed signals too.
But for TODAY (take one day at a time) you have something positive to take in. Enjoy it. I'd plan something nice for your anniversary, but not OVERLY romantic so you don't have that added pressure. I think it's HUGE that he wants to recognize that day with you.
As for the lawn. I don't know if what I'm doing is good, but I'll tell you. We live on 4 acres, and taking care of the property by myself was really daunting at first. But you know I think my H has been noticing that everything is getting done just as well, and actually I've done even more (been doing some deck staining, interior painting etc.)
It's a way I'm showing him that I don't "need" him for all the things he does. I WANT him because I love him. I CAN be ok without him, it's just I don't WANT to be without him. I don't know if he'll get that message but that's what I'm trying to show by keeping up with everything. That I am capable, and that my wanting our marriage is not out of being scared ,or for security, or for what he can provide. It's simply because I love him. His first week gone he called the night before our trash night to say goodnight to the girls ,and then told our D6 to tell me to put out the trash (he always did this), happily she told him "OH, Mom already did". I think he is seeing that while those things were appreciated, they do still get done.
Chris
__________ Me:39 H:39 D:8 D:4 M:9 (T 13) Bomb 4-5-08, H moved out 6-16-08, Reconciled and H moved back in 5-31-09 Still doing GREAT a year later!!!
"It's a way I'm showing him that I don't "need" him for all the things he does. I WANT him because I love him. I CAN be ok without him, it's just I don't WANT to be without him"
this is great 7YI-
it shows me exactly what i want to achieve with all of this BD'ing!
we WANT them- but we dont NEED them...too much of a burden for them
Pisces M 31 H 32 M 7 yrs S 5/10 Beginning Contact! Vibes Hot Tub Cheese
But you know I think my H has been noticing that everything is getting done just as well, and actually I've done even more (been doing some deck staining, interior painting etc.)
It's a way I'm showing him that I don't "need" him for all the things he does. I WANT him because I love him.
A side note: there are a lot of things suggested in the DB book(s), and on the forums, that in the general case, are just the ticket.
HOWEVER:... they are not a magical fix for everyone. I mention this, because I think if ladybug got fixated on showing her H, "i want him but I dont need him".. it would damage things.
I think her h already has the feeling that she doesnt NEED him, and he's not that sure she wants him either.
if ladybug showed him more of a "needed him" side.. I think that would actually be seen as a positive for him. whereas for other peoples' spouses, it would be a negative.
My current status: june 2006. Wife ran out and filed D. Finalized Jan 11, 2010, after 12.5 years M. 3 wonderful sons caught in the middle
Dom's right on this one. Last weekend while we were shopping, I asked him to stop by the party store so I can get supplies for s2's party. He at first just pulled the car up and was going to let me out. I asked him if he'd come inside and help me pick things out. He replied, "you never wanted my input as far as parenting our kids, and now all of a sudden you need help picking out Elmo plates?"
My motto has always been "I can do it myself. I don't need you or anyone else." He complained about my independance before we were even married.
So, for the lawn, even though I've done a pretty good job, he's quick to point out the weeds, the unedged edges, and anything else he notices to remind me of what he would have done.
In all reality, I DON'T need him. But, it wouldn't be good for him to know that.
Me 36 Husband 35 D5 S2 separated: 10/29/07-present Served divorce papers 1/22/09 "When the world gives out beneath your feet, it is time to learn how to fly."
Ms ladybug you know what thought stuck me, maybe he's looking for a bit of humility from you here as well. Yes it's awesome that you are independent and can take care of yourself but remember for us men being the provider is a big deal. Force us away from that and it can strike deep down at our own self image.
If we really want to love, we must learn how to forgive. - Mother Theresa
Me 36 Husband 35 D5 S2 separated: 10/29/07-present Served divorce papers 1/22/09 "When the world gives out beneath your feet, it is time to learn how to fly."
See, that's what I get for not reading through the whole history! LOL I'm glad you all know exactly what he needs to hear though that is huge! Don't be what you aren't or it will be fake and temporary (I remember that in one of Michele's books about change)... but maybe there are some things you wouldn't necessarily mind turning over control of. Things that you could ask for help on, that wouldn't leave you feeling poorly about yourself.
Sounds like you are already doing that right now with asking help with the edging etc.....
Chris
__________ Me:39 H:39 D:8 D:4 M:9 (T 13) Bomb 4-5-08, H moved out 6-16-08, Reconciled and H moved back in 5-31-09 Still doing GREAT a year later!!!
Oh no, I'm not suggesting that you try to be something you aren't at all. I was thinking that what your husband may be looking for might be as others suggested you showing a bit of "need" with him. Not in a negative or "needy" manner but in a positive, appreciative, manner. For example, he offered up "constructive" criticism on the yard work you did. It sounds like you took it in a somewhat negative light. You could take that and turn it around a bit by saying in a positive, appreciative way, "ok yeah I see what you are saying. Would you mind giving me some pointers or show me a better way to do that?" In that situation you are asking him for his expertise and for him he may feel like he's helping you, providing for you.
So like Michele suggests, test and monitor. Think back on a few of the more difficult situations, conversations and such and think about how you acted, reacted and spoke. Then look to see if there is a way to change what you said or did so that its a positive rather than a negative, especially if it was something he perceived as overly critical of him.
If we really want to love, we must learn how to forgive. - Mother Theresa
