2008 = Crazy Year (Still)

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Puppy, she knows something has been going on but said all she has been told is that they are "old friends".

Have you talked to friends up north to find out if your wife stayed there both nights?

No, have not yet done that. My plan was to ask OMW whether OM was away last week at all. The friends are very good friends and I do not want to get them dragged in the middle of a pi$$ing match if there is no need. If there is a need, gloves are off.

Then I would telephone OM's wife just ONCE, and say "If you are OK with their 'friendship,' then I will leave you alone. I wanted you to be aware. But I will ask you one final question: was your husband home on thus-and-such a date?"

And then I would drop it.

Puppy

[lost_in_space]

I have no problem letting her do all the work on anything other than working on the R; if we get there, I am obviously willing to roll up my sleeves.

I am a little troubled by WW's latest comments. I know I have heard them before, but I am not sure OM is really a current factor (although what they shared, the "rush" and "intensity" of it all may be).

Actions before she went away last week were very positive in my view. When she was home Sunday, something happened to set her off.

Anyway, I am confident and comfortable in my position. I AM NOT GOING ANYWHERE. This conviction grows daily!

Thanks for the advice folks. All appreciated.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Lost,

I would suggest to you that THIS:

I am a little troubled by WW's latest comments. I know I have heard them before, but I am not sure OM is really a current factor (although what they shared, the "rush" and "intensity" of it all may be).

. . . doesn't jibe with THIS:

Actions before she went away last week were very positive in my view. When she was home Sunday, something happened to set her off.

I am nearly certain that your wife was with OM. All of her words AND her actions are classic affair "script," and you will continue to see these ups-and-downs so long as she is in contact with him.

It's good to hear that you're not going anywhere. You will, however, need to put the other pieces of your plan in place, or she will either:

1) Totally disrepect you and your boundaries in your own house, and you will be miserable; or

2) She will push her affair further underground, and you will only be delaying the inevitable.

Puppy

[lost_in_space]

Puppy (et al),

When the inevitable discussion about what I am thinking comes up, my response will likely be as follows (at least this is what I am thinking):

"WW, I have said from the start that I do not want to be out of this M or this familiy. I do not want D. I cannot control what you do - I know that, so although I ask you to stay, you are obviously free to choose what you would like to do. My decision is to stay - I am not going anywhere."

This will again be met with the "so, it is your way or the highway", or "but I am not happy", etc., but I am used to this.

Thoughts?

Puppy, on your getting the other pieces in motion, I agree.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

When the inevitable discussion about what I am thinking comes up, my response will likely be as follows (at least this is what I am thinking):

"WW, I have said from the start that I do not want to be out of this M or this familiy. I do not want D. I cannot control what you do - I know that, so although I ask you to stay, you are obviously free to choose what you would like to do. My decision is to stay - I am not going anywhere."

I think that's excellent, LIS. Honest, and hits all the points.

This will again be met with the "so, it is your way or the highway", or "but I am not happy", etc., but I am used to this.

She says "So, it is your way or the highway, huh?"

You say: "No, that's not what I said. I said, 'I have said from the start that I do not want to be out of this M or this familiy. I do not want D. I cannot control what you do - I know that, so although I ask you to stay, you are obviously free to choose what you would like to do. My decision is to stay - I am not going anywhere.'"

She says, "But I'm not happy."

You say: "I'm sorry that you're in pain; I hate to see you this way. I would like to work with you, together, on how we can both be happy without sacrificing any of our personal integrity. I have said from the start that I do not want to be out of this M or this familiy. I do not want D. I cannot control what you do - I know that, so although I ask you to stay, you are obviously free to choose what you would like to do. My decision is to stay - I am not going anywhere."

[lost_in_space]

Perfect!

[james85395]

Been reading your thread. We are going through the same sitch. My heart goes out to you. Please keep us "chickens" informed on what can happen when you stand up for yourself in the marriage.

Been listening to what Puppy has been saying as well. He has gone through it, with success. I wish you the same. And hopefully in the near future I can follow suit as well.

[lost_in_space]

Well, the big discussion happened tonight. WW convinced she wants D. Asked if I would go to a C to help us work out the details as adults. I said no, my position hasn't changed (see above). Had to say this a few times.

Well we ended up talking for 90 minutes. I validated her feelings, had to express mine on a few things (like how I could not D with kids as I feared it would really impact them). Of course near the end she was taking my justifications for my feelings and turning them into me attacking her and making her feel guilty.

Anyway, she said she doesn't want to work on R. I said I hear you, sorry you feel that way. I, however, cannot agree without turning over every stone to try and make this work. Again, I do not want D. She then said but you will have to accept it to which I said we will each do what we have to.

She got angry with me not agreeing to work with C. I said why, just cause I do not agree and have the balls to stand up for what I believe? Made her more angry.

Anyway that is where we left it. Not sure what will come tomorrow.

[Hope4us]

LIS, Perfect. Don't know if you guys will make it or not, but you can see from her reaction that her perfectly designed plan isn't going as she thought it would go.

Stay the course. You're making her feel guilty? Uh..No....she's feeling guilty because she knows this is b.s.

You made her more angry because you have the balls to stand up for what you believe in? GREAT. She's mad because it's not going her way.

I think you're doing great. Just keep doing what you're doing.

[lost_in_space]

H4U

Sure doesn't feel right I must admit. I did slip a few times in our discussion, but never let the weepy / begging side of me come out.

Yeah, she was "disappointed" that I "couldn't find it in heart to do this in an amiable way". WTF!

I did say this decision (D) would obviously split the family. She had the gall to say we would still be a family - just with mom and dad not living together. Whatever...

She said she was proud I was their dad because I was an awesome dad. I did say thank you to that. But I think I ticked her off again at the end by saying "good night" when we were through.

Frick this is tough! Today will be a struggle (2 hours sleep).