ROOT- This isn't my thread, but I'm taking your advice anyway!! I often get worked up myself and have a hard time focusing on how I should really be reacting.
I'll remember this.....he's a spoiled child, he's a spoiled child...
SueS
ME: 42, H: 42, D6 Together: 18 yrs. Married: 15 yrs. Attended Retrouvaille - December 2009 Status: Working on it day by day
I get worked up, too. I try really hard not to let it show but I still often get sucked in.. Trying, trying, trying to detach and not get sucked in...
I recently proposed some stuff regarding the D settlement and haven't heard one word! He's not po'd or shooting it down or even agreeing so I'm just sitting here wondering... and, tired of THIS limbo!
OC - good to hear from you, too.. It's been a while. How're things??
Being nice and good is not weakness. It's strength. Anyone can react, get angry and yell. No one will regret leaving that and in the long run you end up looking like "the bad person."
The friend I was describing earlier. Her husband has become so mean and bitter that even though originally she was "the cheater" and left a pretty decent guy, he has come out looking like the mean, unreasonable, "bad guy."
Don't give the x2b this type of satisfaction!!!! You only validate them and make it easier for others to support their crummy behavior.
Be so wonderful that anyone would regret not being with you. Be so amazing that no OP can compete. The x2b may not see it now, and they may push your buttons, but you get nothing from reacting... just looking weak, out-of-control and helpless.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
Regarding the blaming.... Even in piecing, I see H blaming me in many ways. He left his keys somewhere and couldn't find it. My fault that I put something on top of it. I cooked great food and it's because the ingredients are fresh. I cooked it bad and it's because I added too much salt, etc.
We are still in piecing. OW still around trying to get back in the picture (or did she ever get out of it?????)
L2, If you've always been one to hold your temper and always react with dignity then you are already strong . I used to be the one who always reacted, someone hurt me or did something wrong and I'd react and let them know... and somehow that ALWAYS flew back in my face. No matter what they did to start it, I'd always be the one looking bad.
I'm not saying to be a doormat, I'm just saying be emotionally detached so you can look at a situation logically and respond diplomatically.
OC, Has your H always been that way? A little picky and difficult to please?
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
Mini hi-jack to root, but I hope useful to all of us...
Root --
Quote:
I'm not saying to be a doormat, I'm just saying be emotionally detached so you can look at a situation logically and respond diplomatically.
But what if you have been somewhat of a doormat over the years? I held my temper, but it wasn't always out of dignity; it was also at times when i should have spoken up, held my ground...that's more what i meant.
But maybe that's what appropriate boundaries are about...maybe part of that 180 would be knowing how to frame it...
ROOT, H has high standards so he rarely praise anyone directly, me or others. That's just his personality. I think he is more like "I am not to blame so naturally someone else caused it to happen". For example, since he does not want to admit that he is careless in putting keys everywhere, then it must be because I put stuff on top which caused him the 10 minutes to look for them. Not exactly blaming, but avoiding self-conviction. And no praising other people. I have learnt to let it slide. I notice that this is his first jerk reaction in many things. But after he calms down, he would be nice (pretending or not, I don't know). I have watched his action. Still using keys as an example, he would say something funny like "Your memory is good. See, I don't even remember where I put my keys." A way of apoligizing if he knows I am upset. I have learnt not to get upset right away but wait and see what his "delayed" action is. And oftentimes he would have a "corrective" action and I appreciate that part.
Sometimes I think I am a doormat. But I am telling myself that just as I cannot control not being "hormonal" at that time of the month and he is tolerant of me, I learn to accept that this "first reaction" is part of his personality and wait for his more thought out reaction.
I know the doormat feeling. I let myself be that for many years because I tried to please my husband. I think you are right L2 the 180 is how to frame it. You can stick to boundries without getting mad or out-of-control. You can even twist logic to make it seem like you are going a long with them, but not really. For example, I have a very strong-willed child. When she was younger she would get angry and frustrated because her friends might not want to do what she wanted to do. I told her she had to make what she wanted to do sound like the better choice, the most exciting and fun thing. Then her friends would want to do what she wanted to do. And if that doesn't work, always try negotiation. I'd suggest, know your opponent, get on their level, and use good and appealing pursuasive arguements. With men in MLC and affairs being insane, you have to make it appear as if you are always supporting them. Think about what you want and how you can twist it to appear to them what they want.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
A couple that I know had an A - he was married, she was already d'd. He d'd his wife and two kids and married the ow. They had children together and are now having marital problems and the woman is now accusing the man of cheating on HER! All this in 5 years... Just goes to show you the most likely result when they d for the op.
