"We're in "good company". Uhm... Christy Brinkley, Sarah Evans, Shania... ah hell, love her or hate her... even Hillary. All women that had the world by the whahoo, if you know what I mean. All cheated on. They're not failures,... they were failed on by their spouses. We've (men and women here) have been failed by our spouses."
I think on some levels many of us probably internalize and feel like failures or other such emotion. Reality is, it takes 2, but at least we on this board... we've *tried*... for some of us it will work out... for others, it won't.
Working on us, regardless if we DB or do a combo of another marriage saving technique, or positive "law of attraction" type of program in conjunction with it or not... it really comes down to us having to work on us... and if the spouses don't come round,... it's their loss. I've had to come to that conclusion - "full stop". In my sitch... especially knowing what I do now that he truly believes I screwed around on him... when I didn't, everything that happened, including his own affair makes a lot more sense. I have to say, there's a strange calm that comes with being totally defeated, knowing that there is NOTHING more you can do to turn the lie he believes on it's ear. I mean the cold hard facts is that it'll take a lightening bolt or a miracle to turn that around in his head. Maybe he'll figure out he misses me enough to want to "over look" what he believes someday.... who knows. All out of my control.
My H is "hurt".... regardless of his own transgressions, it's quite obvious that he thinks I'm one hundred and ten percent responsible for this marriage melt down. (It's par for the course with all the re-writing of history they do in their heads, is it not?) Anyhoo...
With the calm also comes the realization that... I still am committed to becoming the person that only a total moron would not want to be married to. HOWEVER, for me, it does spell that I don't want another relationship... I just simply do not. I'll be happy "being me".
I hung out with my one of my best friends I've had in the last 11 years. We spent the whole day together and talked on the phone again yesterday for 2 hours. Her comments were interesting to me... that it was "good to have me back". I quizzed her more on her comments yesterday and she confirmed what I was "hoping" was happening to me... that the ADs are working. The old "me" is starting to re-appear. I finally confessed what I've been hiding for the last 4 years... which was the depression I should have sought help for a long, long time ago. She said it explained a lot of what she couldn't figure out with me... why I'd go into hibernation mode etc.
Her comments were extremely encouraging... that I'm starting to "become" like the person she knew when we first met. Those were magic words to my ears. Those were happier times in my marriage... those where happier times for me "as me", if you know what I mean.
Maybe someday my H will notice the same changes in me, ... more stuff in God's hands, I guess, isn't it. Still leaves me leaving the door 1/4 of an inch... it's all I can do.
Abbey
T:22, M:20 H:55 Me:45 H-OW PA: N/07 OW Jan08 Bomb:Feb/08 S: Apr/08 Back together Ap1/09-Sept/11 Oct, 2011, uncertain future/H is a mess. Dec/11 - Doin'friend mode. Some days are better than others.
