Tim, hi, I'm just going to throw some things out here & you tell me if anything resonates....okay ???
The first thing I needed from H was for him to provide empathy when I spoke to him about any issue that was bothering me. I wanted him to listen, make eye contact, lean forward, pay attention. Care about what was important to me. Rule #1 When a woman cries offer to hold her. No matter what she's crying about, sad movie, happy tears, hallmark card commercial, offer to hold her.
Here's my worst extreme example of cold non-empathy DAM. I tried to talk to him about being abused as a child. He wants to fix it right. He wants to make it all better, he says "you need to get over that, it was a long time ago". What I needed to hear was "that must have been horrible", or "what was that like for you?". That's empathy. Trying to put yourself in the other persons shoes. Imagine how they might feel to say what they said.
I needed verbal affection. I needed compliments & approval & acknowledgement. He was afraid to compliment my appearance because he thought I'd get a big head. WTF ??? Every other man I've ever talked to mentions my appearance, but the one I'm sleeping with doesn't ? That one really threw me. He would always say "you look nice". Nothing else. No creativity, no specificity, nothing. You look nice. When I spend an hour getting all decked out, trying to look super sexy & appealing, & he says "you look nice" in the same tone as when I was cleaning the garage the other day.......not good. DAM. I want a "WOW, d*mn woman, you look amazing". At least four times a year. I also want to hear compliments about my character, my integrity, my tenderness, my sensitivity, all the things that make me special to him & our kids.
I needed non sexual physical affection. Hugs, holding hands, touching. No groping, copping a feel, squeezing my butt, brushing against my boob, none of that. Nothing sexual. Just physical affection.
How's that for a start ?
Thank you for the input SC.
For me it is really hard because when I try and get close to her it feels like she does not want me there. I want to hug her or snuggle with her while we watch tv or when we are in bed but she just does not seem open to this.
I do tell her that she looks good in that outfit, or I really like your new shirt but maybe you are right and my compiments are not creative enough. I am just so unsure where the line is between showing concern/affection and pursuing/ not giving her enough space. I don't want to push her away but then I don't want to not give her what she needs.
My biggest problem is I don't know where we stand. I am still concerned that she might be having an A but have no way to prove/ disprove it. I want to ask her about our progress but am not sure how to do this without her getting all defensive.
She is just so damn hard to read. She has been doing some nice things for me but I just don't see any improvment in the affection department. Meaning hugs, snuggling or simply touching me when we talk. I brought this up and she said when I touch her she thinks that all I want is sex.
I think she is still upset with me from all that went down in April, the accusations, the phone calls to OM, the snooping and the constant talks to reassure me that it was not physical. I keep it all inside now but the not knowing is killing me.
I am just lost and confussed and I feel like I am going to just explode which will lead to a R talk which will lead to me asking about OM. I am so glad I am at work because I am getting close to doing that and I am afraid that it will distroy all the positives that have happened in the last two months. But something inside of me just wants to know.
I want a "WOW, d*mn woman, you look amazing". At least four times a year. I also want to hear compliments about my character, my integrity, my tenderness, my sensitivity, all the things that make me special to him & our kids. 
