another date set today!

[jandn]

Dont miss is what I was going to say and then W showed up. Man oh man I DB my butt off and got some good feedback!

W starts off what I want to talk about. Couldnt think of anything right off bat but we got to some small talk, kid talk, D talk, all good and went very well. W wanted brownies so I made them for her.

Lil while into it, W starts tearing up! I jumped right on that and comforted her. I never teared up or got mad or anything during the whole time. Looked at her, asked what it was, got her kleenexes and W let it flow. Said how she didnt like the fact of spliting up the family cause so hard on the kids, failure was mentioned, how since she has been in her new place it really is hitting her, how she has been having all these emotions.

I didnt beg, plead, anything, just validated! Although C said W might want me to be chasing her and might test it and try that approach. But it was ok but got reassurance why W wants to follow through. I just let her talk and talk and talk.

W got to the point of why she is following through. Said I just couldnt forgive you for the ex parte and keeping the kids from me from Mon night to Fri morn. Now listen to this. Walking W out after she gives me hug. Had been thinking about when I should say something about "wish you could forgive me". Well she hugs me and says I need more money for July. Say well I am pretty short, I will see what I can do. Not very happy with my answer so she steps out door, and I say that "wish you could forgive me".

W's reply is "I have, but there are somethings you just dont forgot" Then "I can come out this weekend for a couple of hours so we can go through some stuff". At first I sounded like a couple of hours to hang out. But I just said be careful and let her leave.

Did have some sex talk about the other day. She asked if I regretted it, I said no. I let her look at my DivorceCare book and recommended she go, cause she is feeling like I am. I showed it to her cause I said "is this what you are feeling?" Was a ball of entangled emotions and she said yes it is and looked through the whole book, my notes and all. Said "well on these losses you never mention anything about me, just the kids and money" I countered with "thats what the whole program is about is being torn apart from you".

There is a part on sexuality so had to answer questions about that. "Really hope you havent been with anyone cause you were with me the other day" and something else about having a GF. I said "there is only one person Im trying to be with and there wont be anyone for a long time" Also slipped and said, what you got a BF? That was the only time I think I should have shout my mouth.

All in all went pretty good, but W still hopes we can get this all settled and move on. "You werent really happy while I was living here" This is where I messed up cause I dont know why. I said "you dont know how you are until you look back on it" W says "Dont you think you will be happy after this is all over" I said "Well not going to be happy about my family being split up".

Man so much that went on. Quoted a few things from the support group and even mentioned she should attend after she told me about how she had been feeling. Quoted the "once lawyers get involved is like a battlefield. You should spend the money on finding and fixing the problems instead of paying them"

So anyways, W admitted how she is a WA. I know what I have to work on! And W also pointed out, "its ------(forgot how she put it) that you are so into God now you and never were when I was around" I said "its just like I told you Sat night on the phone, something has lead me there and this is the only way I am going to make it through this time. other than that, I cant answer you why."

W also sorta thanked me for letting her not be dependent on anyone evermore. Said it was always me or her mom that she depended on and now I liberated her. How she has had to move twice this year, get a job, pay own bills, blah blah blah. Said I just want to get this all settled and Im glad we are able to hang out, then after its settled we can be friends even though you said in your letter you didnt want to be.

Its late and probably scattered brain but man. Did ask wife what miracle would have had to happen to turn this around. Her reply was "i dont know, probably nothing" So got shot down on that one. Told me I just had this feeling and didnt go away. I gave myself a month and still had it.

I told her how counselor wants to talk either on phone, or email to help me in my sessions to figure out how to guide me. W wasnt too happy cause think C will try to talk W out of the D cause she feels everytime we went did that. So i just gotta let tonight soak in with each other and go from there. Baby steps, its never too late. Goodnight.