that is SO COOL Nik!! I'm so happy for you! and Great 180s! Isn't it so funny how we do these little things now and how they work, and what we had done so many times years before that NEVER worked!
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
Things sound so good for you right now, I wouldn't expect yopur H to tell you that he is recomitting. DOn't think guys want to admit to anything most of the time.
Your Vacation sounded wonderful.
JAK
You don't get to choose how you're going to die. Or when, you can only decide how you're going to live now. ~Joan Baez
SD You are SO right about the sweeping it under the rug thing. He'll vaguely mention things about that time last year, but not often. And a few times I've thought things were fine, and found out (either via snooping or a confusing comment H makes) that I was totally wrong and he is again unhappy/miserable/etc. in our M. When he acts like it's fine and everything seems totally fine. It is confusing!
Interesting that you asked and then he replied in MC. That's a good thought.
And yes - I do think I need to open up some kind of R talk soon. Right now I constantly feel like we're going along and things are going well, but there's this massive elephant in the living room. I find myself wanting to just ask "So are you faking it right now, or are we working on making our M better?" (obviously that's not quite the right way to phrase it ).
The main issue I think we need to work on is the same one we've had for a very long time - communication. I have made changes (I think) in that I am a lot more open to listening to H's concerns/complaints about the M. I used to get either really defensive or really quiet (my alternate defense mechanism), rather than listening and talking things through. It made H just stop talking to me and try to ignore whatever was bothering him... leading me to think all was fine or mostly fine. The thing is, I haven't had much opportunity to test myself and make sure I really HAVE changed in this area - and H hasn't had much opportunity to see that change - because he's still afraid to talk to me on a lot of things. How to work on that? Maybe opening up to him more and hoping he does the same.
Overall though I'm happy with how things are going right now. What I want more than anything is to feel "safe" in our M again. I'm not sure what it'll take to get there.
Michelle Thank you - yes, it was a GREAT vacation!!! Soo tough to be back at work this week.
ST Thanks! You're so right about those 180s working sometimes when they didn't before. I think half the battle is actually recognizing your own patterns and ACTIVELY working to change them.
Jak Thank you. I think you're right - particularly guys like my H who just DON'T TALK much. It bothers me to think that practically the ONLY woman other than his Mom he's opened up to a lot is OW. Quite a bit more than me, even, from what I can tell. I wonder what it was about her in particular that made him really "talk" to her. Probably circumstances more than anything since they were both wanting out of their M's at around the same time. Anyway - trying not to dwell on it! And yes, vacation was sooo nice.
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
Not much new... "back to the grind" this week. H has a race this weekend so we're busy getting ready for that. They have a long summer break so this is the last one til October. I'm kinda anxious about that because he's told me before that the only reason he was "able" to stay as long as he did is keeping focused on racing. Which I know in my heart is BS... I actually called him on it once by saying "H I don't understand something. You were totally obsessed with racing long before I met you - you didn't pick that up to avoid our R, did you?" He thought about it for a minute and then said no, maybe I was right on that.
That might actually be a good "opening" for an R talk, share with him my anxiety about that. Hmm.
I need to get back to some GALing on my own. Vacation was sooo great!! But I tend to forget about taking care of "me" so that will be one goal of mine after we get back from the races - set up some get togethers with friends.
One HUGE positive this week, or potential positive anyway, is that H is looking for another job!!! I know this wouldn't automatically 'end' things with OW (whatever is still going on), but I would feel so, so much better knowing he's not working with her. It's not "about" her or our M at all - it's because of the recession hitting his particular company really hard and his hours have dropped to practically zero - but I don't even care what the reason is at this point.
I get the sense that he's broken off most of the inappropriate contact with her, but that he keeps getting sucked back in (larely due to working so much with her, is my guess). I could be totally wrong, I know, it's just the gut feeling I have. What seems like forever ago, just when things started crossing the line with OW, he actually looked for another job specifically to get away from her (this was when I stupidly didn't recognize what was going on, saw how much he missed his/our "friend" and said I'd try again to be friends with her... duh..). Anyway - at one point he told me that he "needed" to be away from her in order to cut off the friendship with her. That was a lonnng time ago but I have to think it would still be pretty true.
Last night he talked to one of his friends who owns a shop and found out he's in desparate need of another experience mechanic - and tonight H is going to talk to him more about it. Keep your fingers crossed!!
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
My fingers are crossed for you and your H on the job. I feel that they have a much harder time getting over the OW if they are working with them and have contact thru work, as I well know.
I don't think that my H is having to much contact with OW either but my boundry was none outside of any work issues and he i feel is stepping on that one as you have read in my thread.
Im glad for you.
JAK
You don't get to choose how you're going to die. Or when, you can only decide how you're going to live now. ~Joan Baez
So... OMG... he got a job offer. And it is SO GOOD. Probably about a 30% pay raise JUST in hourly, not to mention the shop is actually busy - so it's probably closer to a 50% raise. (if not more).
I can tell he's really struggling with the decision. He called all his old friends AND his whole family tonight before I even got home (he RARELY talks to them, esp. old friends, when he's in "depression mode"). He hasn't asked me for my opinion but keeps telling me what everyone else says. For my H - that's a roundabout way of asking for my opinion.
I am trying not to push him any particular way because I don't want it to be my "fault" if he later regrets it. But... his old friends have all told him that he'd basically be nuts to not take the job. I did gently say "well I'm with [friend's name] but I support whatever you decide."
I am trying sooo hard to be "neutral" and asked "So, what are the upsides?" He had a TON of them. About 30 minutes later... "OK so what are the downsides?" The downsides took seconds. 1. No air conditioning. Legit complaint around here... I said I had NO problem taking $$ out of the "house repair savings" to pay for an A/C unit for his area in the shop (maybe $1500.. heck he'd make it up in 2 months working there). 2. It's a historic building and kinda dark/dingy. (all I could think was "um really.. that's worth HOW much?"). He said he might be able to get used to it - especially if he got his own "spot" in the shop that he could keep clean. Friend/owner/(future I hope) boss seemed to agree.
I imagine that downside #3 is lost contact with OW... but he didn't say or even hint at it. In fact one of the major "upsides" was "The people there are way better, they actually care about their jobs and the people around them." Hmm.
Oh and he used to work for this company years ago - so he's got some "clout" in that he knows the founder really well, and he knows the politics. He struggles some in his current company of 20-30 year olds who are trying to make "corporate" perfect (and making all the same ol' mistakes along the way).
Anyway.. rambling a bit. If anyone has ideas on how to "encourage" him to take the new job without being totally obvious I'm all ears. Think I'm doing OK so far but suggestions are definitely helpful.
I am just thrilled the offer's even out there. It really IS an offer he'd have to be "crazy" to pass up... granted he might be but I am so hoping.
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
You could tell him again that you support what ever he decides But, that you also think that they desrerve to have someone so talented in their Company and that by offering the job to him so quickly that they must think so too.
Good Luck to you and H
JAK
You don't get to choose how you're going to die. Or when, you can only decide how you're going to live now. ~Joan Baez
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