I was almost a WAW, but due to the lack of finances I had to stay in the house with my H. We live in a very small home. Our children are grown. We have a grown grandson living with us right now but he is moving out in about a month.
The most important thing I wanted was freedom. It makes a WAW do crazy things when that becomes the most important thing to her at the time. I would get to the place that just being under the same roof with my H made me feel as though I could not breathe. He did not abuse me or mistreat me, but it is a long story and the bottom line was that I was involved with OM on line and it had become an EA. My H found out and told me if I ever left....there would be no coming back home again and I knew he meant it. It was killing my family, even though they were grown and my H and I had been M over four decades. Sounds terrible, doesn't it.....for somebody my age....but we all need to feel love and validated, so after going for over a decade of not being touched, I felt like I was dying inside and needed to feel loved and admired.
Anway, back to your story here......I would use all the principles in the DR book. You need to detach as much as possible b/c she does not want to be around you if she is wanting a S. Therefore, don't push yourself on her with R talks or trying to go on dates, etc. She is a very long way off from that step. Staying out of her way right now is the best thing you can do. I would suggest the best way to treat her is like you would treat a house guest except not try to "entertain her" like you would a guest. But, when you do meet up in the house whether it is to eat, or a cup of coffee or go to the door at the same time.....always be polite and act upbeat and show a positive outlook toward life. Never bring up anything about the M......wait for her to do that. Don't act clingy, pitiful, depressed or needy. That is the biggest turn-off for WAW's. Above all.....never, ever, pursue her or pressure her. She will leave and go wherever she has to go just to get away from you!
People like being around other attractive people. They are drawn to people who are enthusiastic and upbeat toward life. This is what you want her to see in you. If you've been M a long time, there are probably some self improvements that you could work on. Try some make-overs with your appearance. Buy a few new clothes. Always go around the house....and especially when you leave.....looking fresh, clean, and smelling soooooo good. I have told a lot of guys that good smelling men do have an affect on women's senses. Try to become more like the man she fell in love with. If that was too long ago and you have changed too much, then become as attractive in your looks and actions as possible and hopefully you can become a man she will fall in love with brand new. My H and I were just kids when we M, so it would be very hard for me to be that 18 year old girl, but I can try to be the kind of lady I know he admires. You know what your wife likes in men. You know what she has been wanting you to do around the house for years. You know how she like for you to act. Even though you can't seduce her at this time b/c it would be pressure on her, you can be charming and polite to her without acting clingy.
You know, we humans always want what we think we can't have. If you became attractive in every area, and you started getting a personal life (and I'm not talking about with other women....don't go there), but just going out and being with friends, doing things you like to do, but stay out of that house........I think she would see this as a little mystery about you and it would get her attention. That is a good beginning. Never lie to her. If she asks where you are going, you can just say "out for a while". You don't have to give her information if she is calling herself S from you while living under the same roof. The same rule applies for her as well. She doesn't have to give an account to you if the two of you are considered separated. If there is an emergency and she needs to get ahold of you, I bet she has a cell phone where you can be reached, or something. But, she doesn't have to keep tabs on your whereabouts. That is the point. This is for your well being as much as it is to cause some mystery and for her to see you as a more exciting and interesting person. You need to get a life for yourself. After several years of hard work and raising families, H's fall into a rut of coming home and resting for the evening and eventually, they don't appear to be all that "interesting" anymore. Also, by staying busy and/or going out and go somewhere and do something, it will help you to not be so obsessed with the stitch and what she is doing or thinking all the time.
There have been some very successful outcomes from men that have followed these instructions. You can join those ranks if you will detach and not call or try to keep tabs on her whereabouts, etc. Consider yourself separated, if that is what she is wanting. Treat the R as such, but don't date OW or hit the bar scenes, etc. That is never good. It only leads to more problems and you don't want that! You want to do all the things that will cause you to become a better more improved person and one that will get her attention in a positive manner and will cause her to desire you again. The advantage of living under the same roof is that she will eventually see these changes you are making.....but you must do them for you and it must be for life...not to only get her back b/c she may be afraid that is what you are doing the changes for. She has to wait to see if it is going to "take".
Long post....sorry, that's my style, what can I say? lol
Good luck. Don't give up! Take care of yourself. I'll check back later.
Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
