still back

[phoenyx]

everything with xf, xw, and my mom just got to be too much to handle.....

i started lexipro(thanks frank) and xanax today. xanax rocs out loud. I would recomend this for anyone who needs to get the edge of once in a while. This is from an anti meds guy also. Hope everyone is well, I know I am.

[phoenyx]

Friday morning at exchange s4 told me that mom says you make her sad. I said, "she didn't say that" both boys said yes she did. Ugh, I sent her an email telling her that not only was it against the divorce decree and parenting agreement it was hurtful to our children. Still very worried about XF. Haven't heard from her, but it's just not right. I don't know. I sent her an email today just saying hi and wishing her well, maybe shouldn't have broke no contact but I did. She was confused, lied to and taken advantage of. I just wanted to put something positive out there so she knew that she could reach out. She is in some kind of crisis mode. I would like everyone to pray for my mother, she is fading fast and I guess at this point, I just want her to go with as little pain as possible.

[phoenyx]

please check in on mdw2388 today/tonight in newcommers. i have been consumed by my mom being on her deathbed and want to hang with my kids tonight. he has been doing well, but tonight could be bad

thanks

[phoenyx]

i'm tired of a lot of things. i have to vent somewhere, so it may as well be here and in prayer. i'm tired of having instinct, i'm tired of knowing that my xw is having a difficult time of things, i'm tired of knowing that my xf is so damaged that she doesn't think she deserves a good man, and i'm tired of knowing that both of their decisions will come with regret. i'm tired of having any love or compassion for either of them. i'm tired of not having another adult here to help or to talk to. i'm tired of doing everything alone. i'm tired of learning lessons. i'm tired of knowing that great things are around the corner once i get my house in order. i'm tired of losing people. i'm tired of forgiveness. i'm tired of my boys asking me about xf, i'm tired of them not seeing how a woman should be treated. i'm tired of not being able to be the parent i want to be, i'm tired of not being the man that God wants me to be, i'm tired of being alone, i'm tired of knowing that as long as i have faith everything will work out how it should. i'm tired because i have no time to sleep. i am just so tired. sometimes i'd rather i was still lost.

[sofaraway]

Phoenyx, reflection is always the bear that chases us when things occur in our lives. We fight that reflection and isntead choose to wallow and allow ourselves to get down.

Take your time my friend, pray and pray and pray.

You deserve the time to grieve, you deserve some time for you, and you deserve to feel good.

Don't let the world overwhelm you right now, your boys need you to much.

Your in my prayers friend.


Ian

[phoenyx]

"“More marriages might survive if the partners realized that sometimes the better comes after the worse.”"

i just don't want to do it anymore

[sofaraway]

You need sleep dude. Recharge those batteries and get refocused. Your lack of sleep is showing in your postings......

[Jack_Three_Beans]

That's a whole lot of tired.

Ian is right sleep man, call in sick if you have too.

Your laundry list is huge,

i'm tired of not being able to be the parent i want to be, i'm tired of not being the man that God wants me to be

Those are the two things you can control on your list.
So if you are tired and don't like them, change them.

[phoenyx]

i can

[phoenyx]

in my life everything seems to happen in a group.... i don't know why this is, maybe i get too cocky, maybe i forget who i am, what i am suppose to be doing, maybe He is getting me ready for something. i can't pretend to know what God's will is for me, all i know is that right now, this second as i type this, i am sick of losing, sick of whinning about it, i am ready for a change. i have learned a few things in the last few months that i would like to share. God gets your attention, life is about serving God in anyway you can, anyway he calls you to. He will give you the tools and the means to do it, but when you don't do his will, when you are lazy, or vengeful, or too proud, or you don't appreciate the gifts that you have in your life, He WILL allow them to be taken away. i have learned more about myself and God in the last 2 months than in the 32 prior years.....
the fact is, until about I learned HOW to pray about 3 weeks ago, I have never prayed for a damn person on this earth except myself. please fix kari and send her back, please restore my marriage, please make the loss of my father easier, please do this for me, please do that for me. the fact that i can walk into a store or a bar and flirt with 23 and 24 year old girls means nothing when the woman i want to marry, the woman who 2 and a half short months ago was moving my stuff into her house, wants nothing to do with me and seems to be going full speed ahead into another R. she is doing crazy stuff, moving in with dude she hardly knows, same kind of guy that has been somehow abusing her in her past 3 r's.....and i pray for myself? it's MY problem that she is trapping herself? it's my problem that my xw has went down the road she did? forgiving someone for doing things to you is great for yourself and everything, Rah, Rah, yeah me. but what we need to do is ask God to forgive that person for them. know that things that come about based in lies or manipulation or confusion are from the enemy, Take into consideration that they are messed up. Take into consideration that they need compassion. Realize that maybe, just maybe, your "sitch" isn't all about you. Realize that the fact that they are the way they are, maybe has a little to do with you. My father died 2 months after my D was final. I ignored the wake up call. I blew myself up for over a year. People on the MLC board could ask me what I was thinking durring that time for insight on their sitch. You want anger, and self pity.... Ask Amy C about some of my 3 am drunk emails durring that time period. A man keeping it together on the outside all happy and strong, on the inside... I was more wicked then any aldulterer, I was more rockstar than gene friggen simmons. It shames and pains me to thnk that there are people that I love and respect in heaven that saw the things that I was doing durring that time period. and i pretended that it was all because "kari left me" and did this and did that. BS.... I wasn't read for any R much less working on a restoration of a M. I cannot do that again. It is up to us to learn from the past, do not ignore His signs or the instincts that he gave you, listen to your heart not your head. People in our lives need to be prayed for. Their souls need to be prayed for. We need to help people and have compassion for the weak, especially when WE are the weak. This morning, I wasn't very strong. The catch 22 is that I know now that I am supposed to be, His word tells me that I am going to be okay, that I am going to thrive in Him. I now have no more excuses, and neither do you.