Also, at least he isn't scared to meet with me anymore. That has petrified him for months and months. My pressurising him to meet me was what sparked off saying he couldn't go on. My backing off and going dark has achieved him feeling easier being around me, even if it is to discuss selling the house, so maybe I am seeing results...
Julia...I am going to follow your path, because it really seems to be working for you!!! Fabulous!!!
Im still standin better than I ever did looking like a true survivor feeling like a little kid Im still standin after all this time and Im picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind..
Just checking in, wow, you are getting such a good conversation going on your thread! Thanks for visiting my thread too
I am SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO glad you can see how pushing/pressurizing for a meeting didn't work, but going dark made it easier for him to see you! It is SO counterintuitive, but I am so glad it is working for you! You are seeing results, they are just subtle and counterintuitive, and thus harder to see for the untrained eye
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I suppose I was thinking that I had detached too much because I was actively resenting him so much that I couldn't imagine having him anywhere near me ever again! I realise this is just a feeling and it has kind of past but I have definitely detached more now., and that is a scary realisation for me.
Wow, this is a great observation! Two thoughts--forgive me if you've already posted about this--are you in counseling ?? It is really normal to have intense feelings of resentment, hatred, whatever towards the WA. Dealing with those feelings is SO important, both for detaching and also for laying the emotional foundation *inside yourself* for reconciliation. Otherwise, if & when reconciliation DOES occur, all that unprocessed resentment/anger/fear/whatever bubbles up to the surface. Dealing with it NOW will help you in the future! and for me, I really needed a C to help guide me towards dealing with my "negative" feelings.
The other thought--don't be scared of detaching. You are detaching from your Alien H, and maybe the H from your past, but this is actually part of laying a foundation of clean, empty, healthy space in your heart for a new R in the future with H. Does that make sense? Maybe I am talking crazy talk!
One other thing that just occured to me. Something that helped me get to where I am now, is the idea of "being the greener grass". Whether or not there is an OP in the situation... you can also interpret it as being greener than you used to be Doing things that truly make you happy and help you grow. Like teaching yourself a new instrument and making plans to tipsily paint pottery
Keep us posted on your birthday plans! I will be sending you some Virtual Birthday Muffins full of DB'ing love!!!!
I am not in counseling. I know it sounds weird and I see all the positive aspects of it but it is so ingrained on me that it is a sign of weakness, in fact in my family talking in general is a sign of weakness that I am not quite sure how to handle it or what to expect. I went to Relate (counseling charity for couples/ relationships) for a few weeks by myself when we first started having difficulties and that experience was quite uncomfortable for me. H has always refused to come – he also sees it as a sign of weakness and he generally finds it difficult to talk under pressure. I suppose I am a little scared generally of counseling and pouring out my feelings to a complete stranger, although effectively I suppose I am doing that here. Generally with my friends and family I give and find it hard to accept in return. I actually love getting help and feedback from all you guys and it is helping me so much. I find it hard to lean on people as I have always been the one that was there. I found posting really difficult to start with and hate confrontation, in fact I actively run from it! Agh, it's all pouring out now...
I will think about it though as it seems to help a lot of people here. Has it helped you guys generally?
I think a big issue for me has been acceptance. I have only just been able to say the words 'my husband and I are separated' recently. I think, why I am scared of detaching, is that I have to accept that it is happening and that it is not closing any doors. Stop clinging onto my ‘old life’. T you are very right in that respect. I also have never accepted what my h has been saying to me since the separation and I think that has been fundamental to driving him further away. DBing has made me realise that. Maybe it is because I am finally accepting that things are starting to get better with both me in myself and my attitude to him.
I sent him a text this morning saying that I couldn't meet him tonight but suggested breakfast next week sometime. It is a 180 for me as I would have dropped everything to see him before. I am a little anxious that I am being too harsh but I genuinely am busy this week. Hmmm, a little scary as I don't want to push him away as he is making the effort to see me. The whole balancing act thing is hard and dealing with the counter-intuitiveness (is that a word?!) aspect is new and scary! Will wait on his reply!
I know it sounds weird and I see all the positive aspects of it but it is so ingrained on me that it is a sign of weakness, in fact in my family talking in general is a sign of weakness that I am not quite sure how to handle it or what to expect.
I have felt the same way for a number of years. I find it has helped a little bit, mainly to get a third parties perspective and opinion on the relationship dynamics going on.
Like you, I have found this site to be immensely helpful, essentially taking the place of counseling. IN my last IC session yesterday, I actually talked more about how I was applying some of the DB principals and they seemed to be pretty effective. This site really helped me regain my self and my confidence. The most helpful part is hearing the honest perspective of people on the other side (the WAWs and former MLCers)
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Also, at least he isn't scared to meet with me anymore. That has petrified him for months and months. My pressurising him to meet me was what sparked off saying he couldn't go on. My backing off and going dark has achieved him feeling easier being around me, even if it is to discuss selling the house, so maybe I am seeing results...
It is dialog and is definitely an improvement. Continue to evlauate what you are doing for results and make changes as necessary. You are startig to make inroads....keep up the good work!
TwinDad Me 39, W 36, M 11 W - MLC, WAW???? 2 Kids B/G 3 YRS Old Start of the Long and Bumpy Road..... On the verge of piecing.....a new beginning
C is good for some people, and not so for others. It depends on the C, and whether or not you can handle the situation on your own.
I saw a C for two years after my ex and I split, and although she did help identify some key issues that were effecting my life. About 2 months ago, I started seeing another one, and she is great. But I wanted to see a counselor because I felt I was not handling the situation.
The choice to see a C is an individual choice, and if it is something you are not comfortable with, then there is no point in doing it. From what I have read on your board, you seem to be handling the sitch really well, DBing and doing 180's that are showing promise.
(((Julia)))
Im still standin better than I ever did looking like a true survivor feeling like a little kid Im still standin after all this time and Im picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind..
I know this is incredibly boring and insignificant and I am being an over-analysing woman but that isn't his way of speaking. He doesn't use the word 'good' although interestingly I did in my text. Is he mirroring my language? Is acting 'as if' having an effect. It does mirror the tone of my text, is he taking his lead from me?
Guys on here, tell me reading way to much into it!! The thing is I don't get much to go on from him so any clue is a bonus. Phew, got that out of my head :-)
Wow, thank you for sharing your feelings about counseling!!! Just let it all pour out!!!
Just to share my experience.... counseling REALLY helped me. I thought I was awesome at dealing with my feelings. Actually, I was really good at analyzing my feelings and then reciting my analyses to others. Which is COMPLETELY different from actually feeling my feelings, and definitely made it hard for me to be emotionally intimate with my friends. It seriously would have probably taken me a couple more lifetimes to figure that one out... but my counselor called me out on it. My view on counseling is that when it's good, it just speeds things up. It just acclerates the growth process and helps remove obstacles to your growth. But it took me a couple months for me and my counselor to really "click", and I only kept going because it was free through my school! However, now I think of my counselor as a precious jewel!
I do think that the BB can replace counseling. But in my situation, my counselor was able to see and help me adjust behavior that only shows up in real life, that wouldn't show up on the BB.
Sweet Julia, acceptance is HARD. It's still really hard for me to tell people "B broke up with me". If I do I kind of make a joke about it and laugh (to soften the blow to my own still-tender heart) or use some kind of euphemism like "I'm single now" or whatever !!! Essie has a really good way of thinking about it, like "Even though H and I are separated, and I don't like it, I do accept it."
BRILLIANT job on the text this morning suggesting breakfast next week!! I love how you are setting the parameters. Don't worry about being too harsh. Part of LRT is not always being available. And you were just being honest about your schedule and what works for you. The balancing act IS hard and the counter-intutiveness IS new and scary!!! But you are totally getting the hang of it, and we are here to help you!!
His text sounds good in that it is leading to a face to face meeting which is your goal. Some of the first communications from my B when he contacted me after months of NC didn't sound like him at all. I think it is hard for the WA's to find a way to relate to us as much as it is hard for us to relate to them. Um, I am totally with you on the over-analyzing thing too, I picked apart everything about every communication he sent me down to the placement of the stamps on the envelope
So, I'm sorry if you already posted them and I forgot, but could you share some of your goals with us?
I am not certain if I am typical,but I do tend to draw my happiness in my M based on how happy my W is with it. Lets face it, if the queen is not happy.....no one is happy....lol.
It is very possible that he is mirroring you. Remember you two have been very dark for a lon g period of time. Now you are starting to enjoy some positive interaction (albiet about the sale of your house)....but it has been friendly and upbeat.
Continue down this path. The text might have been minor, but you have to start somewhere. The rule of thumb I used typically, is that when I recieved a text, I would respond to it upbeat and see where it went. I let her be the one the end the conversation. If I didn't get a response then I wouldn't follow it up.
I would probably consider responding with something like
"Cool, where/when would you like to get together"
if he repsonds with a time/place then respond with, that sounds nice they have good bagels there (or something like that)
Correct me if I am wrong, but you feel your H might be a QLC and might think youhave always taken the lead/control.
If this is the case then allowing him to make the decisions on the meeting places might work to your advantage....etc.
Just some thoughts
TwinDad Me 39, W 36, M 11 W - MLC, WAW???? 2 Kids B/G 3 YRS Old Start of the Long and Bumpy Road..... On the verge of piecing.....a new beginning
I really don't know why I did it, well I do but I don't know why I responded in that way to my feelings when I have been 'training' myself not to do the very thing. All I can say was I was feeling emotional! I sent a text back saying
'Cool, do you want to organise it now? Tuesday is better for me but any day is fine really. Let me know when and where you're ready. Hope you're ok.'
Could there be anymore conflicting messages in there?! - I want you to organise it now, but only when your ready - wtf??? - Tuesday is better for me but any day is fine - basically I'm ready to see you but I'll bend to your every whim.
I was tired and my brain said don't do it, consult the board :-) but my heart said send it, send it. Can I rescue this or should I just leave it and chalk it up to experience and see what he comes up with?
The reason I was a bit emotional is that I had to close my bank account and open one in my maiden name for various reasons. It was a bit upsetting. No excuse though, will try not to beat myself up and at least I can see the conflicting messages.
Just had a really nice evening though on the upside.
Thanks for visiting my thread too