You are not the first to stare in utter horror at the person your spouse has become.
Some are worse than others, but you are seeing pretty typical MLC behavior. That in no way makes it easier or more acceptable. There is a reason why so few MLC relationships heal properly.
Now that the bad news is shared, the upside (hard to think there is one) to MLC is that it IS a crisis and there is a chance at least that the crisis will end one day. Still no guarantees, and it can be quite awhile.
She's on a high right now. There is literally a chemical rush accompanying this illicit relationship. You remember it as falling love and this is it's bastardized version. The "fix" of the OM provides her with that ecstatic feeling that makes all seem right with the world and allows her to forget what's wrong inside of her.
Rather than emmersing yourself in her illusions, you need to remove yourself from them. In the future, feel free to end your dinner engagement if the text messaging continues. And take Abby with you. You can always make up a reason to have to leave.
The message to her is simple. If the OM is being dragged in to your time together, your time together ends. You will not share your life with her other man.
And the kids, yeah that's a killer. Mine were older, so I didn't have to endure much of the sad faces of a child who misses one of their parents. But I know my boys have suffered just as much. All you can do is YOUR part to love and cherish her, and continue to keep her Mom involved in her life as much as possible.
This is a long, hard road. Another reason why the best thing you can do right now is devote time and energy to you and Abby. Make your life as special and full of good things as possible. When your wife has those moments of disengaging from her madness, allow her in to particpate.
Keep your expectations in check. If you expect little out of her, you will rarely be surprised.
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
I actually called her about something else and told her about "texting" anyone while she is over. She said fine.
I don't believe too much in karma, but....
Talk about a lot of problems with her new place. She's had ants, a inhuman snorer next door, took a month to get a stove that works, the cold water faucet in the shower broke and then today the shower wouldn't stop, still hasn't got cable and the electricity stopped working for a day.
She must really like being on her own. Oh and they sent her a homeowners assoc. fee of $300 bucks.
M 35 W 28 D 4
Bomb 4/28/08 Found out about PA 05/14/08 Separated 5/25/08 (not legally)
Our contact if very limited now. Yesterday we had a short text convo followed by a quick call because she didn't pay for preschool and a few days ago she told me she had. So I get a bill from Ds school for the whole month. Obviously she's very irresponsible. MIL wasn't happy as well. Later they talked and MIL said I told W that she had to pay the whole thing and that she was crying. My bro was over as well, so I showed her my text that said "I'll pay half if you pay half". Proved W to be a liar....nice.
Then today, I get an unusual text. W asked if she could have Abby for the evening and "is that okay?". I was amazed, like she wants to borrow her. Where is her head? I just responded. "You are her mom and you really don't need to ASK?" Wow. She is really detached from her old life. She doesn't talk to any of her old friends....just the new ones (who knew what was going on). She even has a new friend from work she's hanging with. Must be shame, etc.
One thing I noticed on these boards is how many new people post on here and get little responses or almost none. Yet, some threads (with crazy drama and that hardly listen to advice) get all kinds of responses and locked threads. Guess Boards mirror life.
M 35 W 28 D 4
Bomb 4/28/08 Found out about PA 05/14/08 Separated 5/25/08 (not legally)
Well AD yes, to a certain extent the squeaky wheel gets the grease. Also keep in mind that to a certain extent people tend to respond to newcomers who are in a bad state. Kind of a triage thing.
Whereas, in your situation, things are about as stable as they are likely to be for awhile. You've weathered round one fairly well with but a few missteps. Hopefully now, in the relative calm, you are back to focusing on you and Abby, and working on coming to grips with the situation.
As I told another member in their thread earlier today, it is very important to continue to remind yourself that this is NOT about you or Abby. Your wife is going thru "something," whatever you choose to call that something. These are HER issues and unfortunately there is little you can do to help.
When she acts out or spews out at you, remind yourself that the anger and recklessness is inside of HER and she is manifesting on to you. Try to remove yourself from the drama and hope for better conditions next time you interact.
Make yourself strong by finding a new focus, other than your relationship troubles. Trust me, they won't wander far from your thoughts ever, but you can at least occupy your time with things that are somewhat beneficial to you and/or your relationship with Abby. Rebuild some of those friend and family relationships that might have gotten burned out a bit by your rough times earlier in the sitch.
It's summer. Go play golf, frisbee golf, go walking/hiking, start jogging. Work on an outside project that will keep you occupied on something productive.
When you do find yourself focusing on your sitch, remind yourself that this is your wife's journey. The best you can do is try to understand, love unconditionally from a distance, and show her the confident and well adjusted guy you are becoming every time you interact.
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
Hey AD just checking in on ya man. I hear you about the posting by others, but Bill is right. Our sitch's aren't in turmoil like newcomers, they seem to be as stable as bad as that may seem. We just have to remember that we need to focus on becoming a better US and not read into what the WAW is thinking or doing. It is hard to top what Bill said as he hit the nail on the head. I haven't had any responses to my thread in a long time and like you I was thinking WTF!!! But then again there has not been much action in my sitch as me and the WAW are interacting quite well and I am playing the waiting game on this hellish ride.
Just stay strong and I will keep posting to keep you company. We can shoot the breeze to keep our minds occupied so we don't have to think about the S or our sitch.
I know what you mean about drama getting the most traffic. I've seen it other places as well. I think it's that more active topics always appear at the top, so they get clicked. Besides, we can't help it...we want to help people, even when it doesn't seem to get through. When the person "gets it", there isn't as much to advise anymore. Take it as a sign that you are doing as well as possible. The sad thing is wasting time on certain individuals when there are so many hurting people interested in actually trying something different.
AD, the truth is that I think your course is pretty well set. You are doing great with your daughter and you are doing the things you need to do in terms of being the man that she SHOULD come back to. That's all you can do...she's chosen the more destructive route that involves OM...everything else is secondary. You can only give it time and distance. She has to implode on her own. You take care of yourself and your daughter until then. Be kind and friendly to her without being outwardly hung up on her.
Me
You cannot be lonely if you like the person you're alone with. Dr. Wayne Dyer
I just want to "lock a thread" and I can't do it alone....haha.
You are right, my course is pretty much set. I really don't know what she does with her free time or who she's doing it with. She did say the other day "that I look good" but she said it as a nicety.
Jonzy, sorry I haven't been chimin' in on your sitch but been following. With GAL, life and Abby, my computer time is limited. I read people sitchs during the day (I work in front of a computer all day) but its hard to post.
M 35 W 28 D 4
Bomb 4/28/08 Found out about PA 05/14/08 Separated 5/25/08 (not legally)
Hey don't worry about me, you take of yourself and Abby!
I understand about working in front of a computer all day. Although it is not my job, it is my schooling that does it for me. I post in between study breaks and writing research papers:(
Just remember this is about us and our family and our WAS are on their own course. We just need to show them how great we really are!
I will help you out as much as possible!!