Officially Here Now

[7 Year Itch]

Wow, there are a lot of us police wives. I even brought up that connection with him ,and he is adament NONE of this has to do with his job. Which I KNOW we had real other issues ,but the change in the person he is most definitely has to do with his job.

He was the optimist, always saw the good in anybody, mr. friendly. Now he's much more a pessimest, thinks people suck, and looks for the bad. Pretty much what I think he is doing now. He can't even imagine that the GOOD could come from working it out. I think he can only imagine it as settling, even though that is NOT what I want either of us to do. So frustrating.

Well, yesterday I got some painting in my bedroom done and I love it. H came to D6's T ball game yesterday then took the girls for the rest of the day until 2pm. Then he had to bring them home early because he was working an off duty job at 4pm. He was out the whole time with them so I didn't see him much. Probably a good thing. Tomorrow will be harder. Mondays are one of his days off, so he will be out her ALL day with them tomorrow and has promised to stay for dinner with them and put them to bed. So LOTS of hours to try to avoid R talk, not an easy task for me these days. Hope I can do it.

Hey, at this point, if I could get through a freakin' visit without crying in front of him, I'd call it good. LOL

Today I got the front yard and backyard mowed, so now along with the field mowing I got done last weekend now all 4 acres is nice and groomed. That combined with the painting, and lots of weeding and stuff I did in our gardens should show him, I'm standing on my own just fine.

Not really, but I figure it looks good anyway.

I'm really annoyed with the situation right now, but I know I have to let it go. For financial reasons, we cannot afford an apartment, and he only had this option to stay at. I know it is what it is, but I'm annoyed that I will NEVER get to sleep in, I will NOT get to go out unless I make a point to have someone here with them etc......... Meanwhile, he calls tonight to say goodnight to our D's and tells me he's at our friend B's house for a BBQ. I feel like instead of missing those days with us, he's just having a ball.

UGH.

Oh well. I think he is going to take them swimming tomorrow so they'll love that. I might try to do some more painting while they are gone. I scored some AWESOME paint deals at Home Depot last weekend in their bad mixes. I always check those out ,because you can't beat a gallon for 5 bucks! So I really scored where there were 3 gallons that matched. Plenty to do our living room too.

I'm painting how I've wanted to, and I sure hope it's not a mistake if we end up having to sell this house, but I'm trying to plan as though I (we) will be here. And it gives me something to do.

Chris

[7 Year Itch]

Ugh, what a mess yesterday was.

R talk (yes I failed once again, but today is a new day, I think I finally get it, and I'm really set to start fresh and stop those). Ended up having great sex (go figure) then he was gone all day with the girls.

Ended the day after he put the girls to bed with more R talk (yes, this is why I'm now done) that ended with him saying again that it won't change, he knows his feeling won't change, and that he doesn't see a future with us.

HE said "I've heard all this before. You aren't hearing me" to which I said the same thing I always say."I do hear you. I know you don't love me right now, and can't imagine ever loving me again. But we don't know the future".

To which he said "I know it won't change"
To which I end up a blubbering crying mess again. He has like an hour and 15 minute drive to where he is staying and it was 10:00pm, so he said."I need to end this tonight and get going home to get some sleep for work. We can talk more tomorrow night if you want".

He will be out tonight for D6's Tball practice and then will stay until the girls are in bed. So my 180 tonight will be to NOT take him up on that offer. I swear if I can make it through tonight NOT doing an R talk it will be a victory for me. I've really got to try. I'm an idiot and for some reason thought MY H would be different, that I could get through to him. But I see now he is just like the other WAS's and I need to start doing the DBing religiously.

I've got the SSMarriage on the way from Amazon. Not that I can do much with it now, but I do want to read it as if we DO ever get back together we will need to work through that.

I also am starting with a new therapist. Unfortunately he is booked solid for a couple weeks so hopefully when I do get in with him it will help.

H took the girls to the house he is staying at yesterday so they could see where he was staying. He said the girls loved it there because they have dogs and they played with them the whole time. The guy he is staying with is Divorced and has a room for his D6 that my D6 can stay in, and our D2 would probably just sleep in bed with H. He says he wants to have them start staying up there with him on his nights off.

This is where I lost it and started sobbing and I said."Please don't take my girls from me." I've been a SAHM since there were born. I'm with them 24/7. IT honestly breaks my heart to no end to think of whole 24 hour periods of not seeing them.

God, I hope he doesn't want to start that right away this weekend. I just cannot take this.

I'm looking for a part time job, so maybe I could fill that time and start saving some money too, but with his job it's hard to get a set schedule going. Right now we are kind of just taking it week by week and planning around his on call and off duty jobs. So it's making it tough for me to see when I could work.

Anyway.......... wish me luck that I can actually do a major 180 on him, and after he puts our D to bed, to simply say....... "ok, we'll we'll see you Thursday. Have a safe drive". and usher him on his way.

Chris

[klm]

(((((Chris)))))

Sorry, don't have anything to offer right now except a hug. You will get it. The R talks are as hard on you as they are on H and you will eventually get tired of them yourself. It takes us all a while to get it.

[Virtually_Handsome]

(((((((Chris)))))))

Maybe this will help you with the no R talk thing. You already know the script. You know what you are going to say, you know what he is going to say. So, before you see him, run through it in your head. Maybe you can convince yourself you've already done it, and you won't have to do it with him!

[7 Year Itch]

Well, I was about 90% successful, but he threw a wrench in the plans when he wanted to talk about this weekend with the girls. He wants them to come for their first overnight at the house where he is staying Sunday and Monday. I totally started to cry.

He got pissy and said "It's only a day and a half Chris" to which I said "Yes, but you have to remember, I'm with them 24/7. With your job, you are used to having a day here and there of not seeing them at all. I'm not. And it's a different circumstance than the times I choose to be away from them when I've gone away on an occasional scrapbook weekend etc.... This is them being taken away from me. Big difference"

Then he got snotty, and did a smirky laugh and said "You know for the last year, I'd walk in the door from work and you'd declare what a bad day you'd had, and run and leave them to me. Now you suddenly can't be away from them for a day?".

To which I got really pissed because one of the things I have realized and TOLD him through all of this is that I now realize I was in a severe depression the last 2 years, which I believe affected a lot of what has happened with us. I didn't realize it until I got on Anti Depressants a couple months ago, and now realize how I felt the last 2 years was NOT normal sadness. I'm sad now, but it's different. I don't know how to explain it.

Anyway, I'm pretty sure I had Post Partum Depression, that went untreated and after dealing with all the huge life stuff we had with my Mom and other stuff, I think it just progressed.

So I said "Chris, I can keep saying it over and over. And YOU may not believe it, or understand it. But that was NOT me. And even in the midst of all that. I have NEVER not loved those girls more than life itself. I was sick, I was treading water, and just surviving day to day. I can keep apologizing over and over, but it's obvious you don't accept it. But do NOT imply that I do not love those girls"

To which he sort of slunk back and said. "fair enough".

So this weekend has to be yet another huge sucky milestone for me. I'm dreading it. I'll take the girls to church on Sunday then he wants to pick them up after that have them the rest of Sunday and ALL day Monday. He'll then bring them home after dinner.
I think it will be the longest day and a half in my life.

I'm going to try to line up some stuff to do with friends if I can to try to keep myself busy.

Chris

[7 Year Itch]

Coming back to ad some "pluses" from yesterday with H.

I think after each talk or in person meeting I'll try to write those in here. I am trying to get more in the habit of taking it day by day, instead of focussing on the long term goal of reconciliation. Perhaps if I can focus on the little positives, -it'll help me to stay positive, and not have my feelings turn for him which is somthing I worry about this as it goes on.

Positives from MOnday and Tuesday:

-We ML
-He acknowledged that he puts me on the defensive when he "accuses" me of stuff (like the comment about my interactions with the girls in the last year, and realized that he has to give me a chance to respond to be fair)
-He brought up the trash can from the end of the driveway last night even when I told him not to worry about it, that I'd get it tomorrow
-HE offered me some of the dinner he had bought for him and the girls last night (has to do his week night visitation here due to his work schedule and how far he is staying from us right now)

Chris

[girlfromipanema]

Chris,

I like your new idea about taking it day by day. I all else fails, you could employ the rubber band on the wrist trick when he's around. Give yourself a real good snap if you feel the urge to initiate R talk.

Is his name Chris as well?

Have a happy day.

[ms ladybug]

Wow, there are a lot of us police wives. I even brought up that connection with him ,and he is adament NONE of this has to do with his job. Which I KNOW we had real other issues ,but the change in the person he is most definitely has to do with his job.

He was the optimist, always saw the good in anybody, mr. friendly. Now he's much more a pessimest, thinks people suck, and looks for the bad.

Yep. That job will change a person whether or not they want it to.

You're doing BETTER in your interactions with him. Somehow, he need to suck it up when he's around. No crying. No complaining.
Plan to do something this weekend while the girls are away. If you stay home, you'll focus on how quiet the house is, and how lonely you are. Go out with some friends. Have a scrapbooking night at a friends house, just do SOMETHING.

Wishing you the best.

[7 Year Itch]

Well I lined up a couple of friends to come over Sunday night (my first night with the girls gone to where he is staying). So at least that should help. I'm going to cook us a yummy dinner and eat out on the new stained patio, have some wine etc......

One of my friends that is coming has been in a loveless marriage (basically only together for their kids) for almost 5 years now. She says in some ways she's jealous of my situation because if this happens I get to move on. They are both just stuck (mentally) and she is scared of being on her own financially since she's been a SAHM for a lot of years, no college degree etc.

Honestly, I wish my H would just sit like that for awhile. Not that I'd want to live like that for years and years, but I feel like at least if we were in the same house still, and we could settle into a "routine" a bit instead of everything being so emotionally heigtened all the time, that maybe we could just start to relax, have fun experiences and find our way back to each other.

Who knows. I suppose either situation is pretty sucky. It has helped talking to her though. EVERY friend I have is married, so it's been really hard to find anyone that can identify with me besides her, and you all on here of course.

Well, tonight H will come out again. Going to try for another night of no R talk. Hoping I can do it. Depending on his "mood" I may try to initiate some physical contact. I had some wine with dinner last night and when he called to say good night to the girls I made a joke and said...

"It's a good think you aren't here tonight, I had wine with dinner and I'd probably be jumping you right now".

He totally laughed so that was cool.

Then I said."Ha, you laugh now. You better be careful when you come over tomorrow". HE laughed again.

So we'll see. He is always sure to tell me nothing changes, but I feel like I need to keep some connection with him, and physical is a good one I think, especially since it was one of our issues.

I've been staining all our decks, and then this weekened painted our bedroom, and on Monday painted our livingroom. I have this burst of energy to like makeover the house. I guess either way it'll be good. Either it will look great for all of us, me and the girls, or be more ready if we have to sell. Sucks to think of that last option. But I realized I feel like I did when I was pregnant with both the girls. I'm NESTING. But for him this time. I feel like I'm trying to get everything in order so that when "he arrives" I can just sit and focus on him, and all the have tos will be in place.

Pretty sad eh?

Oh, and yes, we are both Chris and Chris.

Chris

[7 Year Itch]

Forgot to mention in my earlier post today that I got the SSM book in the mail 2 days ago. Read it cover to cover. I swear we are the poster children for this book. I so wish I could get H to read it. I honestly think for us, the state of our sex life lead to a lot of the problems we had in other areas. I think if this had been healthy and we had had that emotional connection that my H was not getting, we would have been able to weather and communicate over all the other stuff too.

I just so wish I had known the damage it was doing. I'd give anythign for a rewind button. And of course now it's probably too late. And everything in that area has already changed, and would continue to be great now that I know what was at stake, and how it was damaging us so much. This sucks. To have all this clarity and drive for change, and no partner to do it with.

Chris