Quoting SB:So I THINK this is a process of actually getting to know the real him for the first time....it's a process for both of us, as like your W, CJ really didn't know who he was, and I believe is still in the process of finding out.
Perhaps you're right, SB. I find it uncomfortable that I have to "re-learn" who my W is. Odd...
Quoting lettie:It is detrimental to a marriage and a R, and I think that this is when the R becomes imbalanced. Too many people trying to reconcile go back to their old ways, with one trying too hard to make it work, being too passive, and the other in time taking advantage again, only to get tired of the R all over again. A "taker" in a R will most definitely take complete advantage of the "giver", and one person does all of the giving, the other all the taking in many cases. We have to think more of ourselves, even though we might not want to, and address what needs to be addressed. People really deep down want a strong, confident person in their life.
Good points, lettie. It is true...balance is everything...the ying and the yang... I have put so much focus into making sure I'm doing the right thing for "us" that I've somewhat neglected to do the right thing for "me." Only recently have I begun to readjust... Thanks.
Quoting Sage:You've mentioned on my thread a couple of times that you shared the "destined to be cheated on" mindset. Do you consider that separate from what you've written above?
Oooo...thanks for pointing out this interesting contradiction. Hmmm... So, how can I simultaneously have had the "destined to be cheated on" mindset while also putting my W on a pedestal? That's a toughy, but a real juicy topic. I think I'd have to say that I truly loved my W and my love blinded me in some cases; however, the depth of that love was likely an illusion because I feared losing her (fear of abandonment from childhood), so I "chose" to overlook things. Yet my subconscious would only allow me to get away with overlooking certain things, and thus, I frequently had dreams about my W cheating on me. I think that's it...
Quoting Sage:Do you think that everyone is capable of cheating on their spouse or that some people are and some people aren't?
Well, I used to think that some people had characteristics that were inherently flawed, which would lead them to cheat, while others wouldn't...ever. Now, I think I'd have to say everyone is capable given the right set of circumstances. And yes, even myself.
Quoting Sage:What does that picture look like? How is it different from what your image was before?
That my W actually "acts" like she loves me. The best way I can put it is that she melts into me, gets that look in her eyes, etc. (which she did many years ago). You know what I mean. Interestingly enough, from my image before, I paid less attention because I didn't think she didn't love me. I simply came to the conclusion that she showed me this differently than I do her. I guess I need to kind of get back to that mindset while integrating what I've learned.
Quoting Sage:In general I would say that DB'ing (combined with "mars and venus" and a few other books on "letting go") has actually enabled me to get rid of my "image" of what m should be like and embrace the way that mine actually is.
It's a little different with me. Before I didn't know what a good M was and now I think I do. I just have to temper my unreal expectations with real ones. Through this I too can "embrace the way my M is."
Quoting Sage:Have you done the "positives" thing?
I started to, but I don't post every day. Perhaps I should...
Quoting Sage:Do you think that there is a blueprint of your w (of everyone, I guess) and that if you had and understood that blueprint you could predict how she would act in all situations?
Well, I was working off the assumption, that yes, there is a blueprint. Thing is, that's an issue of control...an issue of which I need to rid myself. Basically, I agree with what you are saying when you indicate that people are simply more dynamic and change/evolve over time.
