The Ultimatum

[fooled again]

Journaling,

Not much to report today. H is still away on business, but has called everyday at least once. At first he sounded anxious about his training as it is outside of his comfort zone. I tried to support him by giving him a few other ways of looking at it and by reminding him of his strengths. Today he sounded much better, despite the fact that his dire financial straits have caused him yet another glitch to be dealt with and which he had to ask for my help on.

I was disappointed last night when he told me that he will have to delay his flight home by a day b/c his training will end too late to make the flight he originally booked. This was something he did several times in the past few months, where he would send me a text saying his flight was delayed, then I wouldn't hear from him till the next day. I suspect that he did in fact come back on his original flight, but spent the night w/ OW before coming to see me and D with some story or other to explain. The one positive this time is that last night he discussed it with me in advance - I feel that he did that not just as a courtesy, but also to help ease my mind.

Of course, H may still be lying, and if so that will be the end of us. So it is his choice, and if he is choosing OW and deception it is b/c that's what he wants more than to be w/ me - I can't change that. I told him to choose and be sure of his choice, and I suppose I will only know for certain what his choice is when he either moves back home or doesn't. Either way, by the end of July I start to live "My New Life". In a strange way, it's refreshing not feeling the need to control what will happen, but simply trusting that the future will unfold the way it is supposed to. I have truly let go of the rope and detached in a way I never thought I would ever be able to do.

But it's a bit scary too, since in my heart I know that it could go either way. I have been lurking on alot of other threads and have read so many times about MLCers who continue to flip flop and are simply unable to come home, so I have no illusions that this is a sure thing just b/c H said he "knows" what he wants. My H is still in his MLC - hopefully in the Acceptance stage - but he is not out of it yet.

I awoke from a dream this morning that my H had died. Now in some traditions if you dream of death it could represent the end of a cycle, a transition or sometimes a birth. In my dream, I remember that H's family did not invite me to the memorial service, but instead I unwittingly walked in on it. There was an OW (not the one from real life) but she was not an important part of my dream. In reality, my in-laws never met OW nor would they ever wish to - they are 100% supportive of me. At some point H was talking only to me but I don't recall if he was a ghost or if he was actually still alive.

Of course dreams can be interpreted many ways, but in the end they are the musings of our subconscious, not predicting the future, but often revealing solutions to our problems. I could interpret mine as telling me that I believe my old H has died (or even that our old R has died), and OW may still be on his mind but is not important anymore, either to me or to H. That my in-laws had a service for him despite the fact that H was still alive could represent my feeling that they believe that H is lost and will never come back. That H was talking to only me could represent my belief that he is coming back to me, but it could be a long time b/f H is able to open up to his family and talk honestly with them, if ever.

I have not had many dreams that I remember in a long time, so perhaps this is important in itself. I remain cautiously optimistic, and will leave it to the universe to reveal my future in good time.

FA