I Think I Have Officially DB'd Guys!!!

[sage]

jethro --

For years I've been head over heels for my W, and she's made "unhealthy" decisions over the years that should have been big red flags...that should have "shown" me what she is capable of. Well, because of my infatuation, I chose to ignore those signals and live in an illusion of putting her on a pedestal and thinking she was incapable of doing X, Y, and Z because she married me and when two people marry, promises are made that CANNOT be broken. Well, we know where that got me.

You've mentioned on my thread a couple of times that you shared the "destined to be cheated on" mindset. Do you consider that separate from what you've written above? (Like, it seems like you're saying that you had an image of w that was very positive despite some red flags. You also seem to have an "image" of m. that suggests that once promises are made they can't and won't be broken. So, how does the "gonna be cheated on and left" thing fit in?)

Do you think that everyone is capable of cheating on their spouse or that some people are and some people aren't?

So, the sh!t hits the fan, I begin to DB and see my own shortcomings. At the same time, I do my utmost to improve my R with my W because I had the tools at my disposal to do so. Heck, I began to feel like a DB zealot, chomping up every bit of information I could get my hands on! By reading how to use these tools I came to create an image in my mind of what a "true, healthy R" should be like. Well, I think I've created some utopian illusion of something I will NEVER be able to achieve. Rather than be happy with how things have progressed in my situation, I'm instead focusing on what's still missing... Thus, I imagine my situation, even with all of the associated sh!t, is likely much better than most peoples' Rs!

What does that picture look like? How is it different from what your image was before?

In general I would say that DB'ing (combined with "mars and venus" and a few other books on "letting go") has actually enabled me to get rid of my "image" of what m should be like and embrace the way that mine actually is. I DO get caught up sometimes in feeling like it should be A LOT easier for me and h to "talk" about r stuff. I dunno....I think it's that we have lots of years of bad talking to erase first...AND, we're probably NEVER gonna be big talkers anyway.

Have you done the "positives" thing? That really made a BIG difference for me in terms of viewing my m.

So, this leads me to not "knowing" my W. Since I've built this grand illusion of what I "thought" she was, with all of her previous deceptions, I now don't know who she really is. Does that make sense? It's rather hard to explain. In fact, she'd say she didn't know who she was too...which makes this ever more difficult!!! Part of it is my insecurities...what is she thinking...is she happy...will she have another A if things get tough...and so on. I guess, in a nutshell, it comes down to not trusting her...

So...let me ask you this (and forgive me if this sounds too simplistic). Do you think that there is a blueprint of your w (of everyone, I guess) and that if you had and understood that blueprint you could predict how she would act in all situations?

I can understand the yearning to KNOW what she's thinking, what will happen, if she's happy. There are days when I worry that h has lulled himself into what he'll eventually feel was a false sense of security and happiness...that he hasn't "learned" how to identify his unhappiness and deal with it constuctively and honestly, etc.

But, isn't that terribly limiting of h? (and w?) What about growth? What about learning?

I'm sorry for the wordy response....there's a part of me that thinks it understands what you are saying and can completely relate -- this is what I thought I knew, this is what happened to completely reverse that, this is what I think I know now, but do I?

There's another part of me that thinks that "things" and people are more dynamic than that. That there's no certainty that anyone will behave one way or another and that you can go with the "odds" but that in the long run, all you can do is be your best true self and hope that others are doing the same.

Sage