Oh that's great Jethro, there ARE a lot of books out there but this one is my top recommendation.

I have to address your feelings of not really knowing your W.

I've gone through and am still going through this very thing.

I, too, had a very idealized view of CJ for our M. I believed him to be VERY moral, almost prudish, very much a truthful, honest, stand-up reliable guy. A big time success at work, vice-president, world traveller, public speaker....

Well I HAD to reassess all of this in light of this past year. There were MONTHS when he seemed to be a complete and utter (scary) stranger to me.

I didn't know WHAT was real . Were all of those qualities I thought he possessed just a lie? Was our whole marriage a fraud? Was he trying to "be" something he was not for...me??? The world????

Now that it seems that CJ's MLC is easing and he's finding his way with school etc, he is not so much in flux. But I have had to take him off that pedestal and take a good hard look at the man....basically good, but not strongly motivated, somewhat lazy, a procrastinator...but still loving, kind, funny, smart...he does have values (which I strongly wondered about!).

So I THINK this is a process of actually getting to know the real him for the first time....it's a process for both of us, as like your W, CJ really didn't know who he was, and I believe is still in the process of finding out.

Stay cool, J

Shiny