I am entering week 2 of WAW sitch and have a lingering question. What are the do's and dont's of successful DBing while WAW is still living in same house, albeit in a spare bedroom. Any and all advice is greatly appreciated. Thanks!
Make sure you stay living in the same house. One of the biggest mistakes I made was saying that one of us needs to move out after she filed. That was before I read DR and found this site. I am paying for that now.
Keep the faith!! One Goal! Thanks CZ me: 34 XW: 29 D: 5 T: 13 M:9 Dday: Sep 18, 08 joint legal and physical custody of child XW recently told me, she d me, cause she tought I would abandoned her!
Thx. That, along with getting WAW into see C again are top priorities right now for me. To elaborate a little more on my question, a week ago, W broke down and said she wasn't happy, needed independence, and didn't want to work on saving M. We talked for about 2 hours and I said that I don't want a D or Sep and would be willing to do whatever it takes...even writing her a letter the next day (her b-day) saying that these changes are her b-day gift. By Friday, I had finished DR and had implemented LRT. Was this too premature? Should I be engaging in talks about us at this point? Also, it is very hard to GAL when we have a 2S and 4D but I try to get out when I can and I keep my distance in the house when I can (reading on the deck etc...). Any advice/thoughts? How can I be a friend without feeling like I am chasing her?
Me 34 W 33 D 4 S 2 M 5 T 8 Bomb 6/17/08 Served 7/17/08 I hate Tuesdays! Current Thread
I can identify with what you are going through since my W started her in-house sep at the beginning of the year (see my thread in Hopefulness for details). I wish I could say that things have gotten better but in all honesty - they haven't. GAL is extremely important - we have two kids and W does not carry her share of the load in terms of household activities. It sounds like you made your stance clear to her - which is a very good thing. I wouldn't write W a letter but do give her the space she needs. As for the LRT - it may be too premature for that but GAL activities and keeping as high a PMA as possible may make her begin to wonder. Work on the friendship first and through your actions remind her what attracted her to you in the first place.
We are a safe haven for you - feel free to vent as needed.
Me 52, STBEX 52 D 17, S 12 M 20 years Em Sep since 2002, Phys Sep Sept 2009
Thanks Daybreak. My response to the bomb (actions) was completely non-characteristic of me and whereas I am not to distant with her I have been hesitant with engaging in a lot of small talk outside of things with the kids. I guess I'll try that tonight to see what kind of response I get.
Me 34 W 33 D 4 S 2 M 5 T 8 Bomb 6/17/08 Served 7/17/08 I hate Tuesdays! Current Thread
I know that in my sitch is that W and I do care very highly about our kids' welfare and that we are greatly in sync when dealing with them - so it is a positive that the two of you appear to be as well. Perhaps that is why we're still in the same house even though sleeping in different bedrooms. Maybe something interesting in the news will appear that you know W sees as important and you can use that as a testing point.
Have you given any thought of having alone time this weekend - even if it is just to run an errand while W watches the kids?
Oooo - another quick thought. There was a long time poster ANS (Andy) who still is in pretty much the same boat we are. His old hangout (as well as mine back in the day) was in Piecing and he checks in from time to time. If you have the time, it may be worthwhile to read back through some of his threads...
Me 52, STBEX 52 D 17, S 12 M 20 years Em Sep since 2002, Phys Sep Sept 2009
Thanks. I'll check into ANS. As for this weekend, W sent an email this morning asking if it was okay to go to a friends and cook dinner for them as a thank you for being such great people. W also asked if I had plans that night..I responsded that W had a fabulous idea and that her friends would appreciate and be impressed with what she cooks for them. Also, to have fun and enjoy the evening. Not sure why W needed to give me the details...she still feels that she needs to clear things with me?
I'll be golfing Friday mid-afternoon with my former boss and will probably do the same sometime on Saturday/Sunday with a friend. I need to treadlightly with evening outings as there are alc issues that I am dealing with (stopped completely) and W probably views every outing as going to a bar or something, when I am actually getting coffee and reading....hmmmm
Me 34 W 33 D 4 S 2 M 5 T 8 Bomb 6/17/08 Served 7/17/08 I hate Tuesdays! Current Thread
I was almost a WAW, but due to the lack of finances I had to stay in the house with my H. We live in a very small home. Our children are grown. We have a grown grandson living with us right now but he is moving out in about a month.
The most important thing I wanted was freedom. It makes a WAW do crazy things when that becomes the most important thing to her at the time. I would get to the place that just being under the same roof with my H made me feel as though I could not breathe. He did not abuse me or mistreat me, but it is a long story and the bottom line was that I was involved with OM on line and it had become an EA. My H found out and told me if I ever left....there would be no coming back home again and I knew he meant it. It was killing my family, even though they were grown and my H and I had been M over four decades. Sounds terrible, doesn't it.....for somebody my age....but we all need to feel love and validated, so after going for over a decade of not being touched, I felt like I was dying inside and needed to feel loved and admired.
Anway, back to your story here......I would use all the principles in the DR book. You need to detach as much as possible b/c she does not want to be around you if she is wanting a S. Therefore, don't push yourself on her with R talks or trying to go on dates, etc. She is a very long way off from that step. Staying out of her way right now is the best thing you can do. I would suggest the best way to treat her is like you would treat a house guest except not try to "entertain her" like you would a guest. But, when you do meet up in the house whether it is to eat, or a cup of coffee or go to the door at the same time.....always be polite and act upbeat and show a positive outlook toward life. Never bring up anything about the M......wait for her to do that. Don't act clingy, pitiful, depressed or needy. That is the biggest turn-off for WAW's. Above all.....never, ever, pursue her or pressure her. She will leave and go wherever she has to go just to get away from you!
People like being around other attractive people. They are drawn to people who are enthusiastic and upbeat toward life. This is what you want her to see in you. If you've been M a long time, there are probably some self improvements that you could work on. Try some make-overs with your appearance. Buy a few new clothes. Always go around the house....and especially when you leave.....looking fresh, clean, and smelling soooooo good. I have told a lot of guys that good smelling men do have an affect on women's senses. Try to become more like the man she fell in love with. If that was too long ago and you have changed too much, then become as attractive in your looks and actions as possible and hopefully you can become a man she will fall in love with brand new. My H and I were just kids when we M, so it would be very hard for me to be that 18 year old girl, but I can try to be the kind of lady I know he admires. You know what your wife likes in men. You know what she has been wanting you to do around the house for years. You know how she like for you to act. Even though you can't seduce her at this time b/c it would be pressure on her, you can be charming and polite to her without acting clingy.
You know, we humans always want what we think we can't have. If you became attractive in every area, and you started getting a personal life (and I'm not talking about with other women....don't go there), but just going out and being with friends, doing things you like to do, but stay out of that house........I think she would see this as a little mystery about you and it would get her attention. That is a good beginning. Never lie to her. If she asks where you are going, you can just say "out for a while". You don't have to give her information if she is calling herself S from you while living under the same roof. The same rule applies for her as well. She doesn't have to give an account to you if the two of you are considered separated. If there is an emergency and she needs to get ahold of you, I bet she has a cell phone where you can be reached, or something. But, she doesn't have to keep tabs on your whereabouts. That is the point. This is for your well being as much as it is to cause some mystery and for her to see you as a more exciting and interesting person. You need to get a life for yourself. After several years of hard work and raising families, H's fall into a rut of coming home and resting for the evening and eventually, they don't appear to be all that "interesting" anymore. Also, by staying busy and/or going out and go somewhere and do something, it will help you to not be so obsessed with the stitch and what she is doing or thinking all the time.
There have been some very successful outcomes from men that have followed these instructions. You can join those ranks if you will detach and not call or try to keep tabs on her whereabouts, etc. Consider yourself separated, if that is what she is wanting. Treat the R as such, but don't date OW or hit the bar scenes, etc. That is never good. It only leads to more problems and you don't want that! You want to do all the things that will cause you to become a better more improved person and one that will get her attention in a positive manner and will cause her to desire you again. The advantage of living under the same roof is that she will eventually see these changes you are making.....but you must do them for you and it must be for life...not to only get her back b/c she may be afraid that is what you are doing the changes for. She has to wait to see if it is going to "take".
Long post....sorry, that's my style, what can I say? lol
Good luck. Don't give up! Take care of yourself. I'll check back later.
Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Thanks for the insight Sandi! Right now, the sitch is just over a week old, and I have to the best I can, stopped all of the same old behaviours for myself and haven't felt better in years. I have even taken drastic steps to remove some future stressbombs (my MBA program - I deferred it until 2009) to allow time to work through this crisis. It's just that I find it difficult to GAL, when her POV is that I was always running out (actually, runnning errands for the family - we never had the division of responsibilities talk that probably would have kept us from this sitch).
Any thoughts on how I can balance GAL when early evening time is dedicated to kids. Do I wait for GAL until after bedtime? Is it okay to not do some of the evening responsibilities (bathing kids, laying them down) and risk the situation I ran into last night (you can read on my other thread - link is above)?
I need the dust to settle and get into some sort of holding pattern and feel that I am walking on eggshells with this.
Thanks!
Me 34 W 33 D 4 S 2 M 5 T 8 Bomb 6/17/08 Served 7/17/08 I hate Tuesdays! Current Thread
I'm an almost WAW. You can read my threads. There's a lot of info in them. Lots of thoughts that the other WAW relate to.
In a short answer, right now you do whatever she asks & whatever will make her life easier, less stressful, & show her thru actions that you care & are willing to change.
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
