Quoting LL:since alot of what you feel and hear from w is so very close to what I feel and hear from h I can kill two birds with one stone so to speak.
Yeah...I hear ya on that one...
Quoting KAW:You say your W returns it in spurts. What were you doing just before or during those spurts?
Well, I have to say that SB answered this pretty accurately: "What J does before these "spurts" of his W's, is become so dispondent with her growing apathy that he REMINDS her that she needs to be working on the M. Right, J? So it's not like he's just doing some day to day stuff differently that brings on these improvements. Now, that WOULD be frustrating, no?"
Yes, and at the same time I remind her I tell her I really dislike having to remind her.
So, yes she likes to coast. Thing is, like many people, she gets lost in the day to day stuff. Where I would buy a little gift for her or do something like you suggested, KAW, she won't...or just doesn't think about it. Now, to her credit, she does make a point of doing other things, but they seem more like a chore to her...at least that's MY perception.
Frankly, I just don't know where I stand any longer. She's more attentive than she has been for a long time, but she's a "hard" person that keeps "barriers." These barriers are real hard to break through...if I can break through them at all. She just has a general coldness...as though our R is business-like. Now, I have a feeling my perception is a bit more harsh than the reality of the situation, but... We have great sex, we laugh together, enjoy each other's company, talk (for the most part), but she doesn't "melt" into me. Do you know what I mean? It's that damn barrier.
For example, all day yesterday she was pretty cold. Not mean...just cold. Our day was busy 'cuz it was her mom's b-day and her folks were coming over for dinner...so there were preparations. I asked what was wrong and she said she just felt tense. Maybe she was tense about getting all of this junk together. Heck, it wasn't like I wasn't helping. However, she seems to very frequently feel tense...and she will admit this herself. Now, I try to probe, but she won't really talk to me about it...and I'm not sure why. It's possible she doesn't know why she feels tense, maybe it's about OM, maybe it's about being a W and mother with responsibilities, her childhood...who knows.
I suppose that this tenseness, keeps the barrier up, and thus, keeps me at a distance. I understand this is hers to deal with, but am I going to have to settle for this for the rest of my life...this coldness? This lack of intimacy? Ironically enough, she's frustrated with it too, but is only willing to do so much to rid herself of it.
So, I think this is where her apathy comes from. When I think about it, it's a vicious cycle, as her love language is acts of service. I perform act after act to try and reduce her stress, make her feel less tense, just so I can experience some "softness." I work hard at this, and when I see her apathetic about working on our R...it becomes frustrating.
You guys have any suggestions? 180s won't work here, as it's really her own sh!t that she has to deal with...as it has always been. The irony here is that she has always complained (her biggest complaint) about how tense I am (was), yet she's the one that continues to propagate it...as I have significantly mellowed out via DBing and such.
