I think I was just weaning myself off the BB as you were coming on. I remember your ID though. For some reason it always reminded me of the little Green Giant Vegetable kid.
[quote] You're in a rut, you can only control yourself...control your ass out of your rut.
Strive for the life you want, grab it with both hands and wrestle it to the ground. : ) [quote]
That's hilarious! Thanks for the laugh and yeah, I get the point. A "date" and the PO-LICE might have issues with me wrestling that to the ground, though.
Well, in my pity party and angst last night of searching for that immediate and complete answer that is never there....I read an entire book that I ordered, had laying around, and didn't want to upset my equilibrium for the last two years by even cracking the cover (very awkward sentence, I know...it's been a while). It's called "Uncoupling - Turning Points In Intimate Relationships" by Diane Vaughan. It was awesome and now I wish I would have read it when I got it. I would recommend it to anyone here or elsewhere that has or had a alleged WAS or MLC spouse.
Here is the summary on the back cover:
"Uncoupling begins with a secret. One of the partners starts to feel uncomfortable in the relationship. The world the two of them built together no longer 'fits'"
How do relationships end? Why does one partner suddenly become discontented with the other - and why is the onset of that discontent not so sudden after all? What signals do partners send to each other to indicate their doubts? Why do those signals so often go un-noticed? And how do people who saw themselves as part of a couple come to terms, not just with absence and abandonement, but with a new single identity?
This groundbreaking book, which combines extensive research with in-depth interviews, offers a startling vision of what happens when relationships come apart. What it reveals is a process that begins in secret but gradually comes public, implicating not only partners but their social milieu. The result is an enlightening and affecting book that is invaluable both as a work of soicology and a guide for anyone who wants to prevent - or weather - the collapse of a relationship.
The book basically details the end of a R from the inkling of thought in the initiator's (usually WAS or MLC S as we know them) to S, D and reconcilliation if that is a possibility. The author does not even venture into "Why" but "how" the whole process is carried out by initiator and partner. She does not point fingers but outlines the process in great detail. This is one of those books that shows yourself and spouse on every page and you can relate the actual events of your life to the process. There are logical explanations why we "don't get it" when WAS has really felt they "tried." And why they are already done and gone when we get first wind of their decision to leave and we don't get that chance to "try." Our first inkling is the "confrontation", affectionately know here as the BOMB. Anyway, no one is villified and in fact I have another facet of compassion and understanding of XH thoughts at the time that I did not have previously. It follows the principles of what we like to call MLC but I prefer to call that in my mind a "personal" or "identity" crisis. I think that is more apt. It is nice to get a glimpse of what is going through the WAS mind when we still have no clue. It fits the patterns we have read over and over again but makes clear what the "silly justifications" we hear sound like in the WAS mind.
There is one point in the book that I have not come to terms with yet so I might as well spit it out. When my XH left he said he was "in love with someone else now" and "I don't love you like a husband should." The book has a lot of accounts of "falling out of love" and "I don't love you anymore." They do also touch on how WAS rewrites history to justify the actions. My point is I have never believed XH didn't love me, particularly prior to the bomb and I hold to the belief that he explained it away for the justification. I am wresting with the idea that maybe he really didn't love me at all or fell out of love with me. A while ago that might have been devastating, it might still be. I just know I would not like to hear that from him right now.
Get the book! Thanks for responding to me. It's nice to know you are not alone sometimes.
