Let me say that usually these "measuring rods" are based upon their past experiences with us.
Did you tend to opt out of family time under the guise of work or school?
Were you overly critical of her and some of the things she did?
Were you hesitant to allow her to do things on her own without becoming suspicious or hurt?
If she's measuring these things now, there's a good chance that these are some of the issues she had with you in the past. And if that's the case, measuring is exactly what's going on here. You say you've changed, she's trying to see if you really have or not.
This is exactly why it's important that we figure out what OUR contribution to the marriage mess was, that we FIX those faults, and that we do it for real, not just to win them back.
The walk away spouse may be irrational at times, but they have keen eyes and they can smell bullshit a mile away. You would do well to keep that in mind.
You can't play games with her and win her back. You can't "technique" her back. You can't trick her back.
You have to win her back legitimately by taking ownership of your faults, correcting them, and being real in your interactions with her.
The idea is that she fell in love with you once before. Something there connected between the two of you and then was lost. Rediscover it, then BE REAL.
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
You will be reading about a man who neglected his wife for a long time, was given a couple chances to change but only did so temporarily, and now is faced with a wife who proclaims herself done.
Mostly read about how it changed HIM. Read his first post to see how he USED to be.
Then read the rest to see how he is NOW. And pay attention to the thoughts he writes down concerning how he FEELS about who he was versus who he is now.
You're early in this marriage Jonzy. Your wife put her foot down and said that it can't be this way anymore.
No doubt she has her faults as well, but you're the one who got called on yours. Have you changed? Have you at least identified what it is that needed changed (and I mean in HER eyes, not just in your personal assessment)?
I read your thread detailing your conversations and interactions. You come across as a scared child when interacting with her. You are tip toeing on egg shells, scared to death that you're going to say or do the wrong thing, and in the process you say AND do the wrong thing too often.
Worse yet, you come across to her as someone who is ok with your separation, who isn't exactly sure WHAT he wants. And you come across as kind of weak.
A woman does not want a weak, indecisive man.
When you've gone through the personal side of this process and made good and significant changes, it gives the ability to interact with your spouse from a position of confidence and strength. That's what you need desperately.
You're treating her like she's a friend. Starting treating her like your wife, the woman you love. And I know, there are certain things that from a marriage saving standpoint you can't say or do right now. But that should NOT impact your ATTITUDE when you're with her. That ATTITUDE is driven by your perception of her as your wife.
Would you truly be happy if she left for good but it made her happy? Hogwash. That's one of those greeting card things we say to make it look like we're selfless. You love this woman, you want her to be your wife forever. If she leaves for good you will be devastated. That's the truth.
And if that's the truth, you need to step up your game.
No more cowering, tentative, hesitant Jonzy. Be the man.
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
I agree bworl but the thing is I never did opt out of family time because it was hard to come by as a complete family. She was either busy or I had something going on. We never took time out of our schedules to actually make a family night.
As for the interactions I must admit that I am/was very hesitant on acting how I want to just for the fact I don't want to upset her. I was always afraid of saying what I wanted to because I didn't want her to think I was being fake and that this was just a ploy. The other day I told her that I am not going to walk on these eggshells anymore and I am going to be me. So I have started interacting the way I want to now and am not going to be the timid little guy who is afraid to state what he wants. The way I am approaching this now is that I am just a guy who sees something that I want and am going after it. I am putting myself back to square 1 when I met my wife and how things were. I know it can never be the same but the attitude can be.
I have realized my faults in this marriage and am changing them as we speak. Of course this does not just happen overnight but it is in progress. I know how I treated my wife and it was very unfair to her and the kids. But I know how I want to treat her now, but I don't know if I will get that chance. She knows that I am not ok with this seperation and where I stand on the whole sitch.
And yes I would definately be crushed if she were to leave for good and I need to step up my game I agree. No more being the cowardly dog, it is time for me to show her that I want to be this "other" guy that she fell in love with.
Thanks for all your input tink and Bill and all the others. This is a really tough time for me now, as I am in the process of looking for another job and have finals for school this week. But I feel that I am more focused right now than I ever have been and I owe alot to all of you for the support! Thank you!
Nothing much happened today. I have my S all weekend and have lots of plans with him. Had minimal contact with the W but she did call to talk with S. Me and Jr went to play mini golf tonight and are going cosmic bowling tomorrow.
That is all I have today hopefully someone is still reading this, gets lonely tlking to myself
Well another update today. My W called and wanted to know if WE, being me and my son, would like to go eat with her. Of course I jumped at the opprotunity and accepted. The food sucked but the conversation was good. She was telling me that she got a bargain from the attorney for her DUI. We discussed that for a while and then she was telling me about her work schedule and how it is super busy. I just listened to everything she said and replied when it was my time. I felt really good about the way we interacted today, but no hopes or anything like that. It was just nice to see my wife the way she used to be.
The only thing that annoyed me about today was the phone calls. We were at the resturaunt for a little over an hour and she had 5 phone calls and 1 she had to go outside to talk! I should have said something but I did not want to ruin the time with her.
Well tonight was a fun night. Took my son bowling with some friends of mine. My wife called me and asked how to get the garbage disposal working which I explained to her.
We were bowling and having a good time when our waitress came up to me and asked what I was doing when we were done. She asked me to go to the bar next door for a drink, and after I told her that I had my son she then asked for my phone number, very uplifting, but I had to tell her sorry that I am married. It is still nice to know that I am attractive to someone!
Oh well going to hit the hay and get some snuggle time with my son!
Hi good for you. Maybe since it seems what is bothering her is that you don't make the extra effort, it would be good to go the extra distance and instead of just explain how to fix the garbage disposal, you offer to stop in when you drop off your S, to fix the garbage disposal.
I guess I could have said tat but we were going bowling and she needed it then cause she had a bunch of crap in there. She was laughing and telling me what happened and then told us to have fun.
It is very strange that when I go out she asks who was there and what time we left. Everytime I mention one girls name she always asks if this is my new girlfriend, all I can do is just try not to laugh and tell her no.
Today when I dropped my son off we talked for about 30 minutes or so about nothing. She was telling me about her weekend and the such. She then wanted me to call the cable company for her to fix the cable box, which I fixed for her instead. Overall there was no tension at all but she seemed a little down or maybe it was because she was tired.
So going the extra mile since the tree needs trimmed because she has slacked on the yard work, should I just go ahead and do it while she is at work? Or do you think that will be to uch?
It seems like according to Bill (Bworl), what she is looking for is to see if you have changed and become more thoughtful, conscientious and attentive. So I'd think your plan to do it while she's at work would be a pleasant surprise for her!
Nothing major to report on the homefront me and the wife have been interacting well which is almost scary. I have been interacting with her the way I want to without being the modest almost scared guy who was walking on eggshells around her. I am in the mode where I see a beautiful woman who I want to "court" and am going after her. I am in the first stage I guess you could say and am just focusing on being a friend. She seems to be confiding in me more by telling me mundane stuff and other problems.
We went to dinner the other day and she was asking me what to do about her mother finding out about her DUI, and I just said we all have to face our demons someday and that something like that is public knowledge so if you mom wanted to find out she could. Told her not to sweat it that we would get her through it.
Other than that I am just posting so my thread does not disappear into the DB abyss!
